The Real Housewives Of Atlanta S02E08: Who Disturbed Our Swamp?!
Kim is planning a joint birthday party for her and Kandi. She explains that she was going to have a birthday party anyway, and since Kandi's birthday is coming up, she figured it would be nice to include her. Wigga, please. (Get it? Kim wears wigs. Because one time she thought she had cancer for a few days.) You're including Kandi in your birthday plans so that someone will give a shit about your birthday plans. Anyway, at the planning meeting (how many event planners are there in Atlanta, anyway? Just kidding. Trick question. The answer is: the population of Atlanta) she insists that there be no cheap wine and no cheap liquor. Only expensive wine and expensive liquor. Because Kim knows that if there is one thing that lets everyone know that you are a classy lady, it is making sure your face stops melting off of your man-shaped skull expensive liquor. She's like "I don't want people to have a hangover from my party," because Kim knows how hangovers work. She's basically an expert. I hate her.
Besides, they end up having their party in what appears to be a Knights of Columbus basement? Seriously, so high class. "This warm Johnny Walker Blue is delicious, and ooh, is that an industrial water boiler?"
Kim, in her shitty feather shoes. It's like going to Skeletor's birthday party. In a Knights of Columbus basement. You know how Skeletor was always drinking magnum bottles of white wine and neglecting his children? The metaphor just works.
But before the party, Kim has to record the rest of her hit song. I will tell you this: perhaps interest in The Real Housewives of Atlanta has peaked. Perhaps we will never achieve the communal excitement (right, excitement, sure) of Anderson Cooper expressing his love for Nene during season one. But it is and will always be endlessly entertaining and hilarious to watch Kim "sing."
It's like a Chris Kattan sketch or something. Kim sings in a van down by the river. I'm not confused and getting all my references mixed up. YOU'RE confused, and you're getting all of YOUR references mixed up. Anyway, they play "Tardy for the Party" at the birthday party and everyone has to pretend to be enthusiastic about it, because there are certain rules in television, and one of those rules is that you must always over-enthuse about terrible things. Embarrassment is derived from people's wigs, melty faces, misspeaks, and terrible decision making skills. Not from the crowd giving dead stares, which is what would happen in real life, I don't care if it is her night to shine. "Uh, I think I'm going to go home, I can't listen to this miserable song. Let me know how the shining goes."
Oh, and Kandi finally does her solo show.
I guess it goes OK? For what it is? A 30-something-year-old woman who has had a lot of success writing songs for other people performing a song on a tiny stage in an Atlanta nightclub for the benefit of a reality TV camera crew? Don't call it a comeback. (Because it's not a comeback. Sorry. And I actually like Kandi!)
Meanwhile, there is no meanwhile. No one else is even really doing anything this week. It's like even the women have given up on this show. I guess Sheree goes with her FEMALE LOVER to New York to inspect her "fashion line," and is not happy with how things are turning out. Whatever. You should be worried about how your body seems to be rejecting your head, Sheree. "The bungee straps on this dress make it look cheap." Um, the fact that it is cheap is what makes it look cheap. Oh, also Dwight has figured out what he's going to be for Halloween:
Lisa Wu Hartwell, who I am still not sure is even on this show, mostly sits on her couch and/or sits on other people's couches. And Nene's main activity this episode seems to be looking like Shrek.
Seriously, why is she 9'10" tall? Using human bones for toothpicks. So gauche.
Posted by Gabe at 12:30 PM in Recaps
Tags: The Real Housewives Of Atlanta
Nene looks like she's accidentally going to kill a puppy by squeezing it too tight. Or a delicate lady. Watch out, Lisa Wu Hartwell! Ha, get it? Because someone on this show is a delicate lady.
Score = 3
I like Nene's hugeness. She's like a crazy bitch Clydesdale. I want to smack her sturdy rump and comb her horse hair.
Score = 2
never thought I'd want autotune, but I want autotune.
Score = 8
Can we talk about Kandi for a minute and her horrible yet inconsequential life choices?
She must be talented as hell considering her success and despite her horrible life choices. I mean, really? Busted boyfriend with 6 kids, 4 baby mommas, and no mention of a job? Thinking that Kim is anything other than a monster and agreeing to help her record a song? (Did she see last season?) Her decision to be on this show in the first place? Her idea to name her new album BLOG?!? Let your haterz be your motivatorz and all that, but damn, girl!
Score = 0
Eh, it could be worse. Anyone whose birth name is "Kandi" who doesn't grow up to be a skanky coke whore with a broken weave (Kim), is pretty amazing in and of itself.
Score = 3
And Kim finally got her ring. It's just like a fairytale.
Score = 2
Say what you will about Kim's "singing", I'd rather watch her sing than Ashlee Simpson-Wentz.
Score = 3
I know Lisa is kind of boring. But am I the only one that hears Kandi's voice and falls asleep? MY LORD does that woman bore me to tears. And I bet they use "Tardy for the Party" in 2012 (THE MOVIE! DEATH BRINGS ALL OF US TOGETHER!! HOORAY!!!) as a way to either explain the world ending. Kim gets a record deal and becomes famous after birthing three demonic imp-children, as per her agreement with the Devil (who turns out to be Dwight). They use their devil-magic to coalesce her two existing imp-children into one and it turns out they are the four horseman of the apocalypse. Then the world blows up before they could actually set about their work because KIM GOT A FUCKING RECORD DEAL. I don't know that she actually has record deal, but this is fiction after all. Right? Right?!
Score = 0
Having never seen this show outside of the clips on Videogum, I had never been fully exposed to the terribleness that is Kim until those 90 seconds of her "singing." THE HORROR, THE HORROR. I mean good god almighty she is just despicable. Gabe how do you watch this every week without blinding yourself? Is it the high salary? The fame? The fans? This would kill me.
Score = 0