The Real Housewives Of New York: Season Finale
And so we find ourselves once again at the end of a season of The Real Housewives of New York. Did we learn anything? No we did not. Did we at least have fun? I am not sure that is what you would call it. But at the very least, we put in the time. Right? We invested precious hours of our too-short lives in the bland adventures of these garish, walking disasters of existential lack.
More than any other show, The Real Housewives series deals with the subject of inertia. Everyone is just as venal and open-jawed and un-self-consciously terrible at the end of the season as they are at the beginning. Stasis. And let's not forget that this particular season spanned Summer '08 to Winter '09. In that time period Barack Obama became president of the United States and the global economy collapsed. Historic events! But these bitches are still arguing about whose husband is the oldest and how tennis works. It's not so much the sheltered ignorance of wealth as it is the aggressive ignorance of stupidity.
But before they leave us to withdraw into their gilded caves of despair:
Jill's big charity event is coming up. She and Ramona get in a fight about signage, namely whether or not it is appropriate for Jill to promote Zarin Fabrics on the white-with-logos backdrop where the red carpet photos are taken. This, we are informed, is called a "step and repeat." Sure. I mean, sure, I am sure that is true. But I also mean, sure, of course a group of women whose sole activity is obsession with how the world perceives them would know the industry jargon for the white-with-logos backdrop where the red carpet photos are taken, and would also get in a huge argument at a meeting organized to plan their own charity event about what was and was not a classy way to promote yourself. Too many self-involved chefs in the nightmare kitchen! Ramona thinks that you don't promote your business at a charity event. It is "declasse*." Jill thinks that she planned the charity event so she can do what she wants. The world thinks they're both awful.
Ladies!
The episode takes a couple of digressions: Jill tries to talk to her 15-year-old daughter about sex and drugs, because you should always wait until your children are obviously old enough to know so much about sex and drugs that the conversation is irrelevant. That way it's less embarrassing for you as a shitty mother. Jill says that she actually tried to call someone to help her have the talk with her daughter, but that person was unavailable. Man, isn't talking to your kids the worst? Yuck!
Meanwhile, LuAnn's then-husband, Count Alex DeLesseps finally makes an appearance. Careful, or you'll miss him.
He's literally only on the show so that at next week's Reunion Episode when everyone starts talking shit about LuAnn's divorce you know who they're talking about.
Finally, it's the night of the big event. After all of that talk about what is or is not tacky to have on the red carpet signage, the women seemed to have forgotten what was going to be in front of the signage.
I think when Simon looks in his closet he just thinks "what would a gay man with terrible taste trapped in the year 2002 and trying to desperately fuck his way back to the present wear?"
Jill and Bethenny get in a fight! Oh no! They're best friendsters! Literally! They still use Friendster! They have their maids update their profile once every four months. The issue revolves around signage at the bar. More signage fights? That is how this show goes out. In a boring melt-down over branding. This is what Mad Men would be like if it was on Bravo and written by an actual retarded person.
Bethenny really lays it all out there.
Jill really the opposite of lays it all out there.
10 minutes later they hug, so who cares.
After an embarrassing charity auction (what is it with Real Housewives and bad auctions?), it is time for...awards?
Nice. Obviously, a better and more appropriate snub of Kelly would have been to literally snub her. In the face. Snub her life out. With that sharp-edged glass piece of garbage. Snub her to death. But this will do. Also, just to reiterate, the Housewives wanted to take a quick moment and GIVE THEMSELVES AWARDS. Perfect. A round of applause for these wonderful ladies. Wait, what did I say? A round of jumping off the roof, right? I said a round of jumping off the roof? Well I meant a round of jumping off the roof.
Ramona really sums everything up perfectly.
Yes, Ramona. A round of kahdooz to you all.
Now it is time to "party." Before the episode ends, we are, as is Housewife tradition, treated to a brief biographical follow up on where the ladies are now, but we know all of that is nonsense. With the exception of holding their breath, hoping for a spin-off, we know that what the women are doing now is silently sitting in the dark, stroking their hair with diamond glazed brushes made of human bone, waiting for the camera crew to return.
This guy just straight loving his life:
And so we leave them as we should/must/want to, with Simon doing what he does best: making an absolute fool of himself.
Is Simon the best dancer?
Simon is the best dancer.
The end.
*In the end, Ramona ends up putting HER company's name on the "step and repeat" too, which completely bankrupts both her moral position in this argument, and her integrity as it relates to any discussion of what is or is not classy ever**.
**As if being on The Real Housewives of New York doesn't automatically negate anyone's integrity as it relates to any discussion of what is or is not classy ever.
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Reality TV
Tags: The Real Housewives Of New York City
EWW! EWWW! Simon touched her butt.
Score = 2
Those gifs are the best. Kahdooz to you, Gabe!
Score = 14
No, your gif is the best. Don't be so modest, give yourself an ugly glass trophy or something.
Score = 11
"what would a gay man with terrible taste trapped in the year 2002 and trying to desperately fuck his way back to the present wear?"
Holy crap! I had to register just to tell you that's the funniest thing I've ever read. LOL'd!
My hat is off to you, sir.
Score = 5
Also, yikes to that spin-off link. No thank you, Bravo!
Score = 1
Even though I knew Bethenny's "meltdown" was about something stupid and really inconsequential, I felt like it was the one pivotal moment of the series, in which she suddenly has a moment of horrific clarity about the overwhelming absurdity of the show and also her existence. And with her bulging veins and eyes she was trying to convey to Jill that if she didn't concede that one point to her, the signage whatever, then it really was going to be The End for her. What is it about big pearls that make women look maniacal?
Speaking of The End, are you doing the DOUBLE-REUNION next week Gabe?
Score = 0
quddus to us all
Score = 24
If, this man's name is quddus, plus 1. Of course I have no idea who that is but the window/foot locker view yells TRL!!
Score = 0
Kahdooz is a type of gun, right? That is specifically designed to shoot yourself in the face? Because if that is so, give them all of the kahdooz, they deserve it.
Score = 8
Kahdooz to you and yours.
Score = 0
Ramona's eyes still freak my shit out. Talk about a bad facelift.
Score = 0
The awards for organizing the charity event...repulsive. I'm surprised Jill didn't give herself one, and act surprised about it.
Score = 0
All I can say is: REUNION SPECIAL. Everyone cries! It's so big that they had to split it into 2 episodes. I'm so excited I think I just Hugh Jackman'd a little bit.
Score = 0
you know, bethany didn't even use alex's AWESOME!!!!!(?) design
http://www.skinnygirlcocktails.com/
Score = 0