The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Don't Judge A Face By Its Surgery
We need to get to Danielle, obviously, since this whole season has clearly been predicated on her from the beginning, and fair enough to the producers for even dragging the rest out this long until we can finally get to IT, but so let's just burn through the rest of the episode Chris Evans style (Flame On! Get it? Gay). Dina is sad because her daughter is going on a two-week vacation with her father. Sure. All of the women on these shows are always so sad about their daughters leaving to prove what great mothers they are. Would a terrible, self-interested mother with little to no foresight into their child's best interest be so sad that their kid was leaving when a camera crew was taping their reaction because they volunteered the whole family to go on a show that centered around them? Don't get me wrong, I love Dina and would marry her in a small civil ceremony at the Jersey City courthouse TOMORROW if I was 20 years older and not terrified of dead eye vagina dentata. But come on, Dina. And stop saying "bubbees." You're better than these other trash beasts. Meanwhile, Teresa finishes her dream house and begins to dream decorate it with nightmare furniture*, while her daughter works hard to become a disaster. I usually try to avoid talking about the children of these monsters in these recaps because children are pure innocence, or something, but Teresa's daughter is on the express train to Nightmare Town, making zero stops. When she gets a call from her agent asking if she'd like to appear in an episode of Gossip Girl her answer is just "of course I would," and when her mother says that it is exciting that she is getting jobs she just says, "people want me." It is going to be so hard for her to adjust in later life to how not true that is.
Enough of this petty nonsense, let's get to the business.
Danielle is no different from any of the other women who have ever appeared on this show. She reached a point in her life where she decided that it wasn't enough to live in a tacky house and devote one's life to the materialistic pursuits that temporarily distract from one's own mortality and insignificance. A producer came along and offered a chance to bring that desperation and that bottomless need for some kind of recognition to make it all MEAN SOMETHING, and she leapt at it. One assumes. When Danielle is involved one imagines a lot of leaping involved, claws out. And a lot of beastial screaming.
"GET IT IN ME!"
--Danielle.
Now, already no one on the show, or in the world, likes Danielle, and there are a number of reasons for this. For one, it's a natural human reaction to shun creatures whose faces are literally glued to their skulls by magic. Secondly, she will walk into a producer-forced group event like a salsa lesson and start doing shit like this:
Instant hate. It's just nature. Of course, what's ridiculous about the other people on this show is that they feel like Danielle is some horrible person that they're being forced to put up with. Um, you're all fucking horrible people. It's a matter of degrees. Take Teresa's husband John, for example.
He hates Danielle because she feels that it is inappropriate to just randomly call complete strangers gay to their face and is willing to say so.
John is like "she's so annoying." Well, no, John. I mean, yes, she is, but not in this instance. What is annoying in this instance is your complete inability to crawl out from under the rock that your upbringing dropped on you. I know that we're all subject to socio-economic forces beyond our control that shape and determine our worldview before we're even old enough to know what a worldview is, but it's 2009, you fucking shithead. When Teresa and John are moving into their new home, she shows him the expensive new couch she just bought and asks him if he likes it. John's response is "it's a couch, what am I going to love a couch for?" Huh? Is it gay to know whether or not you "like" a couch? You can like a couch, dude. It's cool. Just look at it with your see holes and determine if your face likey. What a fucking goon. His knuckles are worn down to tiny little nubbins from dragging them on the floor of his contracting office. What a faggot.
But he doesn't just hate gays, he also hates women, because "that is what men do."
But my favorite part is when he pretends like he knows how to read.
"What is these strange dark shapes what that make my think box hurt?"
My point is that Danielle is obviously haahrible, but everyone else on this show needs to relax. It's the pot calling the kettle the worst.
But, yes, Danielle. Yikes. I don't know all the details of her scandalous past because I'm a 52-year-old man and knowing the details of Danielle's past would be the "gayest thing I ever did." But you can read about them here. What I do know is that they have been cataloged in an out-of-print book by Danielle's former-cop ex-husband, and now that book has surfaced. She is convinced that Dina did it in an attempt to destroy her. Seriously? "How could this book possibly have come back to haunt me after all of these years?" Well, for one, YOU ARE ON A NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOW.
Obviously, since everyone already hates Danielle, now they just feel justified in their hatred. This book is their bible, and Danielle is their Islam. But Danielle would at least like to maintain her friendship with Jacqueline, which she believes she can do because let's face it, Jacqueline is functionally retarded. Seriously, this woman is so stupid that it's actually depressing. Everyone treats her like a doormat.
Anyway, even though no one bothered to ask Danielle what her side of the story was, she knows that she can go to her friend Jacqueline and set the record straight.
Um...what? I'm sorry, I'm all for letting people defend themselves against outrageous accusations, but I also basically know how defenses work, and this is insane. "Long story short, it was a federal bust, so it's like, why me?" CASE DISMISSED! She also complains that people should have been less careless in bringing up these "allegations" (which is what you call a book about your publicly recorded legal history) because she has kids. Maybe she should have thought about her kids before she agreed to be a complete disaster in front of America. ("Do you want to sneak into the bathroom and FUCK, 26-year-old thumb head?" -- Danielle, Episode 2.) Later in the episode, she has another entire bottle of champagne in the middle of the day (fab-u-lous, the kids don't get home from school for another 45 minutes) with her "best friend of 27 years," King Gay Face of Oldopolis, and she explains the situation and offers another thin excuse. "My boyfriend had a big house, like 30 rooms, and I was young." That is how almost everyone gets arrested and charged with kidnapping, drug smuggling, prostitution, and whatever the fuck. Classic case of there being a federal bust and it's like "let me go" but they wouldn't because Danielle is a lawyer and she rests her case. The best friend is like "I'm so glad you never bothered to tell me any of this in the course of the past 27 years, because friendship! I feel like I should share a secret with you now: I dye my hair once every half hour and I am immortal."
Next week: More Danielle. She finally breaks up with the CEO of Ed Hardy Wines.
*All of these women are decorating pros.
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Reality TV
Tags: The Real Housewives Of New Jersey
wow. I think this may be the best recap of any Real Housewives episodes you've done, Gabe. These strange dark shapes make my think box happy.
Score = 11
when i looked at this article with my seeing holes my buhbees quivered with satisfaction. thanks, gabe
Score = 7
Is that really Danielle's friend or the Crypt Keeper? I know what they see in each other though...false teeth.
Score = 4
We all need to put food on our families; Danielle is just trying to put the charred meat of a thousand wandering souls on her kids. Cut her some slack.
I'm pretty sure she roofied Jacks, though.
Score = 1
I kicked my RHNY habit (after the last episode) and vowed to stay clean. These recaps make me want to relapse, BIGTIME. (littletime.)
Score = 0
you icon scares me.
Score = 4
Teresa also said that "gay" was her husband's favorite word and she smiled and giggled as she said this. Are you kidding me? Enjoy living in your tickity tack "Dream Home" made from John's "honest living" at his "construction business" and not a money laundering front! I wish Bill Murray would headbutt them too.
Gabe I love your recaps.
Score = 8
I've decided that this group of weirdo mansionwives is like a twisted, deformed version of Heathers, with Theresa, Caroline and Dina as the Heathers (Dina is Heather Chandler, natch) and Jaqueline is (an obviously less bright) Veronica. Then there's Danielle who is a beastly, wretched and even sadder version of Martha Dunnstock (Dumptruck).
Score = 5
Best recap! My think box likey.
Score = 1
King Gay Face of Oldopolis looks like a young Aaron Spelling. Also, props to Danielle for standing up to the homophobic douchetard. All the women on this show combined talk like they have a 10th grade education.
Score = 1
Dear Soul Mate,
Please don't blog about another woman's vagina. It makes things real awkward when I tell everyone how much you love me..
Eternally,
Future Mrs. Gabe Delahaye (From the Internet)
Score = 7
Danielle Beverly's gay bff might actually be Harry Dean Stanton, yes?
Score = 1
My favorite gif yet.
Score = 0