The Real Housewives Of New Jersey: Women Be Related!
I did not recap the premiere episode last week because I was still picking the pieces of my blown mind out of the carpet after Kelly Bensimon reshaped my understanding of how logic works. It comes from the greek word "logos," which means rambling nonsensical stories steeped in self-delusion. But I watched the premiere episode. And I watched last night's episode, too. And I think I'm ready to talk about this. I'm still trying to get a handle on who all these new ladies are, which is particularly difficult when they all seem to live in the same house or something. Is it just one lady and she is a shapeshifter, but she hates her Danielle shape? Wizards. In any case, one thing is for certain: this is probably the best Real Housewives yet, and I am going to tell you why.
Stuff happens! While money certainly plays an important role in these women's lives, it seems to have been accepted as a matter of course, leaving them with plenty of extra time to actually live human lives of substance and emotional engagement. These women care about things! So far no one has tried to brag about being on the cover of New Jersey Palisades Luxury magazine, or whatever. The status issues on display are actual status issues dealing with people's feelings of adequacy and acceptance based on their genuine interactions with each other, not handbag status issues. Besides, the opening credits are a total rip-off of the Sopranos opening credits, and the Sopranos was great!
I woke up this morning, got myself a gun. Just in case! I have to kill myself! Just in case!
So, Jacqueline has trouble disciplining her daughter and helping her get her grades up. Teresa has trouble not taking her daughters shopping at least twice a week and buying them all matching outfits. Caroline has trouble not calling her daughter stupid to her face. So, one thing is true: Housewife don't change its stripes. Negligent parents who spoil their children without providing them a sustainable foundation for self-actualization come in all shapes and sizes (until they have the plastic surgery to correct for that). Interestingly enough, Danielle doesn't seem to have very many issues with her two daughters, which gives her plenty of time to have issues with everyone else. Everyone hates this lady!
OK, I hate her too, I guess. Congratulations, this show's editors. You have won your sad victory over my capacity for making my own judgments. Mostly she just seems sad. I don't really understand her relationship to all the other women (surely someone will help me in the comments), but she's definitely on the outside of the group, and she's also hyper-sexualized, which seems like a rough thing to hyper-be when you're 46 and single. Although, at one point she does land a hot date with Baby Bill O'Reilly.
That guy is 26?! 26 what? His head is 26? Pounds? If what they mean by he is 26 is that his head weights 26 pounds, then I will believe it. If what they mean by he is 26 is that he is 26 years old then they can go jump in a lake. Of hair oil and bad decisions.
Class act. I hope she watches this show with her daughters, LIKE A FAMILY.
Already this show is pretending like I need to care about Danielle's on-going feud with Dina, which I do not. As someone who loves a feud more than most people, I also know that the baseline for caring about a feud definitely involves AT LEAST REMEMBERING WHAT EVERYONE'S NAME IS FIRST. Who's feuding? Darnella and Deandra? Eleanor and Beena? Slow down, this show.
There is one thing that I am on board with from the very beginning, though, and that is Dina.
Marry me! Dina is the best. She's the Bethenny of New Jersey, if Bethenny was even more no-nonsense, and had dead eyes. Do you guys ever wish that someone would hit you over the head and throw you in the trunk of Dina's car? No? That just means more for me! (What?)
Jacqueline takes her daughter with her to the fertility doctor because she has had four miscarriages in a row but still desperately wants another child. OK. But then she leaves her daughter in the car while she goes to a doctor's appointment? I don't know how they do things in New Jersey, and I've never been to a fertility specialist, but every doctor I have ever gone to has taken more time than running into the Circle K for a Mountain Dew Code Black. I'm just saying, I wish Jacqueline the best of luck in her attempts to conceive, but maybe she should focus some of that energy on how not to leave the kids she already has unattended in the car for hours.
Meanwhile, we learn that Caroline likes to cook big dinners, Dina hires a child to buy her tampons, Teresa's daughter has an audition for a lead role in a movie with the Rock, and Danielle is so sad always. So much happens in this show! Fuhgettaboutit!
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Reality TV
Tags: The Real Housewives Of New Jersey
If Dina looks familiar....she and her husband Tommy previously appeared on "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding"; on VH1. Caroline and her husband, Al are of course also in the ep...
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You watch too much TV.
Also, I love the fact that you watch too much TV.
Also, I love the fact that you found a clip from Scandinavian MTV to use as a reference.
PS: These women are trash. And not fun Atlanta trash. Just trash.
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Isn't Jaqueline's daughter at least 15? It's probably okay to leave your teenage daughter in the car.
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I have been sucked into this show. I have now devoted 2 hours of my life to it, so I feel committed.
How could you forget that Jacqueline met Danielle at the salon where they talked for like three hours and Danielle even showed Jacqueline naked pictures of herself on her phone, which means they are friendsforlife and get to be on reality shows together?
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we don't have many circle k's here in jerz. mainly wawas and 711s
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I hate how much I love this show. Can Kelly Killoren Bensimon be on this too? I want to see these ladies have a go at her crazy ass.
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