Top Chef: Like Reggaeton, But For Food
It's funny in the later episodes when they roll the opening credits with all of the contestants featured. Like Erik. What was that all about? Anyway, we're down to the final four, who arrive in Puerto Rico rested and ready to go. Oh look, Lisa has a new haircut. She was tired of just her face looking stupid. I will say that I was getting really tired of the whole Top Something series of reality programming, but this season of Top Chef has been really good because most of the chefs have been really good. They're talented and they also seem nice. I like rooting for all of them. Or almost all of them. Lisa can choke on a plantain. But she's like Gollum. You need Gollum to destroy the ring (You, not me. You are the nerd here.) Lisa plays her role, and it is not up to us to decide whether she lives or dies (thanks, legal system.)
The Quickfire Challenge is all about plantains, which are basically bananas. Stephanie nails it. The Blaise-o-troniq 3000 kind of bites it. Whatever. The Quickfire Challenge is only important early in the series when you get immunity. It's cool to see what everyone can do with limited resources, but I wouldn't throw my toque into the air just because I got to decide whether Dale or Nicki was my sous-chef in the Elimination Challenge. WHOOPS, SPOILER ALERT, so Dale, Nicki, Andrew, and Spike return to work as sous-chefs for the Elimination Challenge, and Stephanie's advantage as QF winner is to assign them. She teams up with Dale (DALE IN THE HOUSE, GRAB YOUR DICKS), and pairs Nicki with Antonia, Spike with Blaisemaster, and Andrew with Lisa. Andrew, who I hated at the beginning of the season but slowly grew to like not only in spite of, but perhaps because he was a spazmanian devil, hates Lisa (who does not?) but still had the grace to say "I don't throw anyone under the bus. I play with honor. I will do my best to help her win." Fuck you, though, Andrew. Listen all of Andrew, it's a sabotage.
Their challenge is to cook a whole pig. Unfortunately, no one goes for the North Carolina barbecue option of throwing the entire thing into a smoker. That shit is delicious, and you don't need any of this cilantro and mango jam or root beer glaze or whatever. Stephanie has a little bit of a stumble when Dale leaves the pork belly out all night. Dale. He can do no wrong in my eyes, but he did some wrong. Dale says that if Stephanie gets eliminated he will never forgive himself. Which personally, I'm a little disappointed. I thought Dale was of a different breed. You know, the breed that recognizes the importance of honor suicide. But they manage to sort it out, and by the time they get to the Governor's Mansion Party where they have to serve their food, Stephanie is clearly killing it in the garden. The other three seem up in the air.
At judge's table, The Blaiseman Cometh gets the win. And his prize is a brand new Toyota Corolla. I had a Toyota Corolla once. It was teal. I named it Eli. DON'T JUDGE. If the challenge before the season finale is to really prove who you are as a chef, then Lisa was dominating this episode in proving that she's the sourest of sourfaces from the Sour Patch Kids factory in Souristan. Gross. When Stephanie and Blaise 'Em if You Got 'Em returned to the waiting area and Stephanie announced that Richard won a car, Lisa's response was "you won a fucking car, dude?" She should try giving up being an asshole for Lent.
So, SPOILER ALERT, Antonia goes home, which I kind of saw coming. She keeps saying "I don't want to go home, I really don't want to go home. You know what I don't want? To go home." Which, a) NO ONE WANTS TO GO HOME, b) you just opened a restaurant so what is this crying? and most importantly c) YOU HAVE A FUCKING KID. Nice family. She wants to win Top Chef, sure, but mostly she just can't bear the thought of having to go home and take care of her kid. That is the hardest part of losing.
But then, after Antonia is eliminated, Lisa cracks open a bottle of sparkling petulance:
Tell 'em Blaise, you tell 'em. I don't know who will win the title of Top Chef next week, but Lisa's definitely a shoe-in for Top Ugh. And Blaise of Glory wins MVS (Most Valuable Snap).
Posted by Gabe at 11:26 AM in Reality TV
Tags: Top Chef
Did anyone else find it mildly disturbing when Antonia said her kid told her to just not come home if she loses? And it didn't seem like a joke, either. Like, reverse stage-mother syndrome? Stage kid?
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I have been a Lisa hater from the very beginner, but I have to say that it was excellent to have her on the episode for the fact that in the Bravo cell phone poll, 91% of voters wanted her stupid face to go home.
Now let sweet justice FINALLY be served!
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Give Lisa some credit. On last night's show, she told the judges that she'd wow them with her food in the finale.
Just like she told them last week. And, hell, let's face it, probably the week before, too.
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I'm calling this shit now, Stephanie's winning. She's a woman and from Chicago, double whammy.
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are women from Chicago super special cooks or something?
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No, but a woman has never won top chef, and they've been dropping soundbites about it all season, also this season was set in Chicago, so she gets the hometown hero factor.
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Gabe, that was a legendary Youtube find. I mean really... wow.
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Its nice to see my favorite cheeseball chef with a little less cheese and a little more balls.
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