Criss Angel: MindFreak: The Show You Totally Wish Was Faces Of Death That Isn't. Sadly.
[Ed. note: it is with great excitement and enthusiasm that I introduce to you the newest member to the Videogum family, Mary H.K. Choi. She is the founder and former Editor-in-Chief of Missbehave magazine and currently writes for TheAwl. She will be bringing her love of superhero comic books and action movies to bear on things that are neither superhero comics nor action movies. Say hi, monsters.]
In this, the hotly anticipated A&E season premiere of The Five Lives of Criss Angel Mindfreak, Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos aka Criss Angel, a master illusionist and escapologist hailing from Long Island, New York, will attempt a transposition. Basically he'll disappear from one spot and before any of us can feel a hint of relief that this time he's really gone will show up in another, indicating his reappearance from a parallel universe of rampant awesomeness by yelling at us triumphantly *fist pump, fist pump* to yell at him fawningly.
And because this is Criss Angel, said transposition (dubbed "Terminal Velocity") will occur in Las Vegas, where he now lives, within striking distance of his retail store at the Luxor, with no less than 17 Chrome Hearts metal rings, a rosary or two, 18 mg of kohl encircling his fetching Grecian eyes, atop a 400 lb blood red motorcycle, suspended in an exploding cage above a thousand screaming fans of a cumulative I.Q. of around a rainbow plus a Jesus fish fridge magnet.
But first, to whet our appetite and to whittle down the 36 minutes and change of show that needs to precede this 10-second magic trick, Criss must first attempt a mini transposition from the roof of the 22-story eastern tower of his favorite hotel the Luxor where he'll throw down a weighted bandana and appear at ground level to catch it. To prove to us "skeptics at home" that this is a real bona fide Mindfreak and not a sleight of video technology, there is a little logo on the bottom, left hand of the screen that our vantage point is a "continuous" shot and therefore mystical.
But even before that, there are potential "escape routes" that need to be debunked on how he'll get downstairs within the 11.81 seconds it takes the bandana to. First, its proposed that perhaps he'd take a high speed elevator, but his earnest sibling who clearly and gratefully cuts a consistent check to vouch for his brutha (seriously, they're like two Linda Richmans from "Coffee Talks") notes that this is impossible as if there were an elevator, it would be indisposed for all the guests "trying to get to their rooms." Natch. Then, some other guy named Doug who is allergic to sleeves for a glandular condition that has nothing to do with glands and everything to do with LIVING IN LAS VEGAS runs downstairs with a video camera to the tune of 4 minutes and 9 seconds which is just way too slow.
This is when Criss Angel's manager who looks to be sculpted entirely of tanned newspaper pulp interjects that despite Criss "being bigger and working out more" (proven with an earlier montage sportif) couldn't do the stairs fast enough either. Then they have a stunt guy rappel and it takes him 16 seconds not counting the putting on of the gear. It is by this air tight reasoning that this trick is wholly impossible to everyone in the world except that embroidered jeans and wallet chain guy Criss Angel who has a Cirque du Soleil show called "Believe" that we'll get an exclusive sneak peek of later, a show that was critically panned by Perez Hilton last Halloween and now my eyes are bleeding from having had to type that sentence at all.
But even before we get to witness the building trick, we get to go visit Criss's store where his mom is sitting like she's loaded on dumdums and sorta pissed about being on camera (because she has no idea what time it is and is feeling lightheaded from all the extra oxygen being pumped in) and Criss does this trick where he pokes a hole in a $100 bill (borrowed from a lovely black gentleman that swiftly proves that Criss is loved by all and that black people in Vegas have huge knots of Benjamins) with a pen and moves the pen around without tearing it and everyone goes bezerk and Criss maintains the veracity of his mastery by asking everyone if that was "completely fair, right?" and they scream and nod with their eyes wide like they're being held hostage by a million assault rifles pointed directly at them from behind the scene.
Now, to the building.
I mean, he does the trick. There's no way else to put it. Buzzkill, right? He brings a bunch of people up to the roof, has this one "totally random" lady write on his arm to prove that the dude downstairs isn't a body double, he tosses the bandana and our view becomes a split-screen and then he's down there to catch it. We look at the pen on his arm and everyone screams. I know. I rewound. Twice. I looked and looked and honestly the "catching scene" is like he walks from off camera on camera and that is it.
OK. Sidebar. I love magic. I do and I love Mythbusters which this show sort of tries to be like except that the "proofs" have little to do with anything and there is no "control" because, well, how can you have Criss do a trick that'd kill him not employing magic for the first go around and then compare it to the magic version. And by this statement I have "proven" that I'm not really as "skeptical" as most and am really good at suspending disbelief.
But wow, this trick was lame and after all the hyped up steps that we took to show that it was a real trick, I can't help but think the motorcycle version will be wack as well. And despite the loudness, despite the "pyro" and despite how beautiful the bike is to people who like that sort of thing and despite it being customized, this is where you suspect his final trick will not be that impressive but you watch anyway to see if it'll be embarrassing.
But first--another nugget of uncomfortable. So when he goes to pick the bike up the people who work at the customization place present him with this truly, mind-bogglingly fug piece of artwork with a fake diamond encrusted rabbit (from his "Believe" show) popping out of it all 3D style. It's hideous. But then everyone gets so misty and verklempt by this poignant union of fug and douchebaggery that you realize that all the people involved in this 5 episode boondoggle really, like, loves this guy.
And then there's the piece de resistance! Criss Angel revs the motor and rides in all hot, vrooms into the cage, gets hoisted up, and everyone's staring prepared to be amazed. We're all craning and it's dark so we're looking really, really hard and then there's a dramatic flash of pyro and during a collective exhaled "WHUH" sound Criss just comes rolling up again like he did mere seconds ago.
And that's it.
Weird thing is, Criss Angel isn't bad. His micro tricks with the money and cards and stuff are neat-o but this giant Mindfreak "designed and tested by a highly trained professional that should not be attempted by anyone anywhere and at anytime" is just not that cool. That "beat" in all transpositions where someone's gone and then comes back just doesn't read on camera at all. Saaadface.
But there are four more episodes to go and four more Hail Mary passes to see if the show won't get canceled which would normally mean his magical ass will have to dance for us in a reality show to hold onto the vestigial whiff of fame he once had but since he lives in LV he'll probably be fine, sell a bunch of swag, and make bajillions of dollars a year and hang out with Celine Dion. Which, well, let's face it. Is no purgatory at all because she is a goddess and speaks French.
Posted by Mary HK Choi at 2:45 PM in Pranks And Stunts
Tags: Criss Angel | Mindfreak
This is super. Welcome!
Score = 5
hahaha woooww so you write aalllll of this stuff saying how fake it is but you never prove it and i am 1,000,000% there are no assault riffles in any way that is a lie and probly the dumbest thing i have ever heard that is highly illeagal and just dont happen sorry your skeptikal ideas are a joke dude lol
Score = 0
I had to stop watching that clip after the first 20 seconds. Grown ass men dressed like 10 year olds on skateboards is the opposite of magic. It is cruel reality.
Score = 7
No, Criss Angel-Blaine.
Score = 11
He's like GOB if GOB didn't know who his father was.
Score = 18
He's like GOB if GOB had worse taste in music.
Score = 10
Criss Angel has a RETAIL store? Selling what exactly?
Score = 3
Douchebaggery (i.e., eyeliner for men and baseball caps to be worn at a 35 degree angle)
Score = 8
Whatever he's selling, you can be sure Jon Gosselin's already on the phone, making a bulk order.
Score = 25
He's definitely going to lose his security deposit on that room.
Score = 6
I love Hughr icon
Score = 3
Did you comment on St. Vincent's facebook post yesterday? Because I'm pretty sure I totally saw your avatar. My videogum life is mixing with my facebook life!
Score = 2
Yes! That was me. Wow. The Internetz. What a small worlds!
Score = 3
Saaadface. I like this new lady.
Score = 4
i dont think ill ever be ready.
Score = 3
Somebody get this guy a sponsorship from Airwalk! Those thrasher moves were sick bro! Cube, consider your ass Gleam-freaked!
Score = 3
Part of the magic is that Crisss Angel doesn't need griptape.
Score = 0
Welcome, Mary! I am excited! And hey...
"...her love of superhero comic books and action movies..."
I'm already beginning to feel the h8/
Score = 0
..love scales of Videogum rebalancing.
(Why does The Lawnmower Man hate greater than/less than signs?)
Score = 2
Can you e-mail the tips line and tell me what happened? It sounds like a bug.
Score = 1
It's because greater-than/less-than signs are used to set off HTML tags. So the Lawnmower Man thinks everything you type after a less-than sign is some kind of extremely retarded HTML code and therefore becomes invisible until you follow it up with a greater-than sign to show that you are done HTMLing.
Score = 1
Free Chicken!
Score = 8
Welcome, Mary. Glad to have another kick ass lady writing for VG.
Also, thank you for this: "... his brutha (seriously, they're like two Linda Richmans from "Coffee Talks")" cause, YES.
Score = 2
He's like Mystery's slightly more talented brother
Score = 20
He magicked Gabe's mesh shirt right off of him! (and then made it black, because mysteries)
Score = 16
I love hate watching Mindfreak. His tricks are so bad they can’t even come across as “magic” on the very forgiving medium of television. Did anyone see when he was going to saw an audience member in half and he picked “at random” what was clearly two midgets with a dress thrown over them? Sublime, really. Nonstop laughs.
Score = 5
Criss, i LOVE your name its sooo dark and edgy... Mary, welcome! i look forward to your contributions!!
Score = 2
LOL I love how he's all like "i'm gonna shred on this hand rail and take it down blah blah blah i'm full of shit blah blah blah" and then the camera cuts to a different scene where he is making more false promises.
Score = 3
Anyone else notice the sweet spiderwebs in the corners of the motorcycle cage?
Score = 0
is Sarantakos pronounced "Sarin Tacos," because don't eat those tacos
Score = 11
Score = 14
OMG. Amazing. But you do realize the only conduit for his "note to self"s are skate decks, right? It's like a post-it Criss Angel STYLE. Can we also have a discussion about the fact that his logo is an anarchy symbol stylized in a manner that suggests total non anarchical tidiness? Even with the flourish that is one light-in-the-ass anarchist.
Score = 6
yeah, i was wondering when a person decides it's appropriate to create a logo for themselves. like, is it time for me to do that?
also, his training footie was so dumb looking that i thought for a second it might be a parody. seriously? you're rolling slowly at a window and that's going to prepare you for the physics defying magic trick you're planning? because i feel like you might need to roll faster than that. and more magically. and remove the glass. and stop wearing so much giant jewelry. and stop having so many things with your logo on them. also, stop signing your own skateboard, which is from 2006 but seems barely used.
Score = 4
a great introduction Mary. when i clicked the link to missbehave, i was greeted with a huge picture of bat for lashes, so even though you didn't write that article, instant credibility! yay for another female voice on videogum.
Score = 1
Criss Angel is the real deal, people. Like, did you see what he did there? He made the 'h' in his name COMPLETELY DISAPPEAR, and another 's' magically show up instead! Crazy!
But I get completely mind-blown at 0:36. He CREATES the demonstrations. IN HIS MIND, you guys. This guy is a modern-day Einsteindini.
Score = 4
this makes me even sadder about lindsay's departure. It's only been like two months. YOU'RE the monsters. YOU ARE.
(Welcome Mary! I'm really sorry about all of this. None of this is your fault.)
Score = 4
Maybe with all his death wishes, murder would be legal for Criss Angel Assfuck.
Score = 0
I watch this show. I keep waiting for him to tell me hes just joking. Hell take off the rings and the wig and the embroidered jeans and say "MINDFREAK" but this time he wont fake eating the camera.
Score = 0
I liked him better when he was in that movie "The Room."
Score = 0
One time, a guy in my building recommended a bar to me, but warned me not to go on Wednesdays because they always had "some Criss Angel type shit" there. So I obviously went on a Wednesday and it was a fire breathing act. HAHAHAHA.
Score = 0
"a thousand screaming fans of a cumulative I.Q. of around a rainbow plus a Jesus fish fridge magnet"
Oh, oh I can't breathe. Oh lord. I am dying. So so so funny. Mary, you get many thumbs up from me.
[I hope nobody thinks I'm being sarcastic. I think sincerity doesn't translate well to the internet, but I'm actually quite sincere.]
Score = 1
When I first saw Chris Angel I was really excited! I was like "cool an alternative magician with a gang of circus freaks that randomly stare at things in a desert." Then after I got home from the hospital and off heavy pain meds he was just a douche with bling.
Score = 0
Holy shit people what is with the hate? Yeah, he dresses funny. But he is pretty freakin' skilled at his craft. Can anyone tell me how the tower transposition was done? Probably not. It's a cool trick to watch. Just because the guys is a little pretentious doesn't mean he isn't doing interesting stuff.
Score = 0