Kids Give Speeches On Conservative Values The Darndest Things
"Author" Jonathan Krohn gave a speech at this weekend's Conservative Political Action Conference. Dude's like five years old.
Aww. I bet school is really great for this guy. All the bullies are like "no, take my lunch money, Mr. Krohn." And then he gives them suggestions on how their own inability to pull themselves up by their socio-economic bootstraps has led them to bullying behavior, and he gently mocks their apolitical attitudes using his mocking Kermit the Frog voice. And the bullies cheer and carry him on their shoulders.
This kid is amazing. What a little grown up. I feel like the internet is going to be really unfairly abusive towards him today. Not us. This is a safe place for young Jonathan Krohn. We may not agree with him politically, and we may recognize that the substance of what he's actually saying is paper thin, which combined with his unassailable youth and precocious poise makes him an excellent spokesman for a collapsing political ideology. But he is five! And he does have poise! And we recognize the importance of children having hobbies. And writing books. And being keynote speakers. You know, kids stuff. You go, Little Man Tate.
Posted by Gabe at 10:30 AM in Politics
Tags: Jonathan Krohn
I can't wait until this kid goes to Vassar and realizes he's a gay freegan who loves dumpster-diving.
Take that, past self!
Score = 20
As much as I too would love for that to be the case, you know that this kid has already had WAY too much of this stuff beat into him at home. He's not like one of those kids that goes on daytime talk shows to discuss their vacuum cleaner collection - he'll only get more reinforcement once he delves into saying more caustic shit. (That's how you reward the women folk and the children.)
Score = 0
Did he mention THIS?: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn16680-porn-in-the-usa-conservatives-are-biggest-consumers.html
It's not about "the economy" or any of this kid's points, but it just feels good.
Score = 2
Sexman, is that you?
Score = 10
"Hi, my name is Jonathan Krohn and I will never feel the warm touch of a woman"
Score = 15
respect for life = pro-death penalty and pro-war.
Score = 20
I hope this kid turns out gay.
Score = -1
It's obviously too easy to make fun of this kid, but to his defense, he's a good speaker and has a lot of personality. Compare this to the pathetic Mr. Rodgers-esque Bobby Jindal response on Monday, coming from front runner for the GOP nomination. I'd rather listen to this kid than Glenn Beck or Brett Hume. Although, I cringed everytime he said "ideology".
Score = 9
this kid's only a few superfluous conjunctions and dependent clauses away from sarah palin... such as.
and a wheat colored and textured wig + a bout of anorexia away from ann coulter.
once his balls drop, all of this republican non-sense should flush out of his system - he'll have butt-length hair in no time!
Score = 2
Dudes you've all been duped. This is all a viral marketing gimmick by the producers of the movie "Tiny Tucker", the heartwarming tale of how a magical fortune-telling machine changes Tucker Carlson into a tween celebrity on the Republican speaking circuit. Its coming out this Spring, so get your 3-D glasses now before its too late.
Score = 22
Signs your political party is in trouble: you take advice from a fourteen-year-old and a drug-addled radio host.
Score = 13
Charisma, fine. Frog-voice, didn't even mind it. But I still wanna give him a swirlie.
Score = 9
Shocking but true: this kid's home-schooled.
Score = 5
You can just tell that about three hours before this speech, his parents were smacking him in the face screaming "USE YOUR HANDS JONATHAN! USE YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU TALK."
Score = 5
it's sad that he's just as intelligent as hannity or limbaugh. not for the kid so much as the so-called adults.
Score = 1
Hey now, it's a bit unfair, calling him five like that, when a simple trip to Wikipedia reveals that he just celebrated his fourteenth birthday. Seeing a thirteen-year-old get up there and talk to people that effectively... why, it warms the cockles of my heart, which, at eighteen years, is six years older than his. When you consider that most other eleven-year-olds can't even tell you what an ideology is, this young man who has a decade under his belt only grows all the more impressive. Yes, the 9-year-old Krohn appears at first to be a gimmick, but you know what? I could see this plucky 8-year-old making a bid at the presidency in 2012. The only barrier will be amending the constitution to allow a 10-year-old to be elected president, but the chutzpah this 5-year-old shows in this video, I could very well see Barack falling to his wily 4-year-old charms tomorrow and not only put that amendment in place, but concede the presidency. Yes, having a 3-year-old as a commander in chief may seem odd at first. Yes, the other countries with leaders older than 2 years will laugh at us, and say we aren't to be taken seriously. But Little Johnny Krohn will just ball up his 1-year-old fists, climb back into his mother's staunchly conservative vagina, and wait to be born, so he can begin his term.
Score = 2
"And he does have poise! ... And writing books. And being keynote speakers. You know, kids stuff."
For a second I thought you were describing what Barack Obama did to become qualified to be POTUS. zinger!
Score = -1
You know, I was a nerd all through my formative years, but even I want to lock this poor boy in a locker. I blame the parents.
Score = 1