When the infamous "puppy cleaning monitor" site went viral, it was only a matter of time before a heavy-set hipster left his kickball game at McCarren Park early to rush home and make his own version of this disgusting meme. That happened last week when kissingwithross.com went live. Now, our friend Alex Blagg at BWE, who looks a little too much like the aforementioned Ross (his Rosselgänger if you will), has made his own screen-licking video, entitled "How Not to Kiss":
If you'd like to see the video in full-screen just put a gun in your mouth and click the trigger.
George Lucas was in Washington this week to talk to congress about an alternate internet service reserved for educational purposes. Fair enough. That is acceptable. It was his answers to questions posed by Examiner that was unacceptable:
Lucas, who was on Capitol Hill to testify at the House Committee on Energy and Commerce Telecommunications and the Internet subcommittee hearing on universal service, was totally nonpartisan when it came to President Bush, declining to weigh in on our question: "Who is President Bush more like: Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader?"
"It's up to the viewer," he responded.
Lucas did, however, have one definitive answer: Barack Obama would most certainly be a Jedi. "I would say that's reasonably obvious," he said.
I agree that it's reasonably obvious that Barack Obama is a Jedi if you live, like George Lucas does, with your head up George Lucas's asshole. Even his coy "it's up to the viewer" response is unbearable. Someone should put him in a rocketship and send him to spacejail.
In the grand tradition of "goatse" and "tub girl," I'm about to show you something that once you see it, you will never be able to take it back. Seriously. Afterwards, you might wish that you had taken the blue pill (Matrix joke! 2008!) It is a European ad for Playstation 3 (via Ads of the World via Joystiq) that is a way stronger argument for NOT buying a Playstation 3 than any high price-point or sluggish load times nonsense. It is anatomically safe for work insofar as a Photoshop wizard has replaced a man's penis with a thumb. But obviously it's EXTREMELY NSFW, and also NSFWIJTU (Not Safe For Whoops, I Just Threw Up). I'm telling you right now, just turn around and go home. No one will think you're a pussy. Or at least no one will think you're more of a pussy.
One time in high school I went on a class camping trip, and I didn't use the bathroom for three days. So, I kind of see where Ms. Tylor is coming from. But also no one sees where Ms. Tylor is coming from. Like, she's theoretically correct. If we are ashamed of our bodies, we are not prepared for intense physical intimacy. But, like, who is she talking to? I know she's trying to open some eyes, I just don't know what kind of heads those eyes are seated in. Crazy heads, I guess. I'm pretty sure she talks like this at work. And the grocery store. "Give me a half pound of muenster. I'm going to eat the muenster on a sandwich and later I'm going to shit it out of my asshole. My asshole is located one to two inches behind my vagina. Do you know where I could find the cereal aisle?"
Still, this is not nearly as good as Ghostface Killah's book-on-tape for how to live right. That is the best. Brush your teeth.
For awhile I thought Mike Gravel was kind of great. He was just so grumpy. We could use some grumps in Washington instead of all these Vaseline Teeth. And his avant garde campaignvideos, while insane, were insane in a lovable, amazing way. He was like the Timothy Treadwell of the 2008 election. But this? This is just nuts:
Wait, he's still running for President? Shouldn't someone tell him? Also, can this please be the last time that we make an old white person "rap" as a "joke." It's simply the worst thing. I've talked about a lot of worst things before, but those were all the best thing compared to the old white person rapping thing, which is genuinely the worst. It makes my heart die a little bit, and I don't have the smarts to make a miniaturized arc reactor to power my sweatsuit.
Shit. SHIT YOU GUYS. I was just watching television, and an extended clip for What Happens in Vegas came on, and I LAUGHED OUT LOUD. What the fuck? Granted, this movie has a really great supporting line up, with Rob Corddry, Zach Galifianakis, and Jason Sudeikis. And Lake Bell is apparently kind of funny, too, which is weird. But the clip I saw on TV didn't even have any of those guys in it. It was just Kutcher and Diaz. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. I'm the worst. There is no spoon.
OK, I just watched the abhorrent trailer again. This movie was filmed at 24-nightmares-per-second. There's a part when Dennis Miller as a judge says "I sentence you to six months hard marriage." Dennis Miller is the best. I hope he doesn't get hit by a boat. I've got my head right. Sorry to freak everyone out.
UPDATE: People are asking what part I actually laughed at. It was a scene in which Diaz is leaving for work and Kutcher is eating cereal in his pajamas, and they are tit-for-tatting each other, and he casually says "I hope you get hit by a bus." And I laughed. Know that this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Last night, CBS made "television history" by airing an episode of the #1 sitcom in America, Two And A Half Men, written by the writers of their top drama, CSI. Unfortunately, Charlie Sheen was unharmed. You don't have to have seen much of either to guess the one thing these two seemingly unrelated shows have in common other than mediocrity: semen. In the case of CSI, they kind of have to mention all of the bodily fluids in order to solve murders with any sort of realism. In the case of Two And A Half Men, however, I defy you to find a family in America that mentions semen as often as this one does, or at all. Gag. This clip from last night's episode perfectly exemplifies the dovetailing of the two shows into a celebration of bad semen jokes. Guess the context in which Jackson Pollock's name is dropped!
The episode of CSI written by the Two And A Half Men people airs Thursday night. You might want to keep a bucket by the couch.
I just made that up. Sorry. But now that I think about it, you just KNOW that someone from JJ Abrams' camp has "reached out" to the world's most famous former teacher/rapist / student/victim couple about appearing in Hot For Teacher, one of the many Superbad ripoffs (or, you now, American Graffiti or Fast Times At Ridgemont High ripoffs) entering pre-production each and every day:
"Hot" is a "Superbad"-like story of a high school senior who sets out to have sex with his teacher before he graduates.
YAWN. Here is where I should embed the video for the song "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen, but everyone is doing that, so here's "Jump":
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