CNN Reports The News Like Adults
After more than 50 years, the United States Postal Service, whatever that is, is canceling its popular "Letters to Santa" program after it was discovered that one of its Santas in Maryland was a registered sex-offender. Yikes! So naturally, at the collapse of a national institution in an ever-changing world, CNN reports the news like adults--adults who can't get through a sentence without laughing for some reason.
This segment really has it all! An incredible chyron ("Santa letters to be shredded"), an interview with a self-important mayor of a jokeball town who apparently thinks he is Ambassador Christmas over there, references to volunteer workers as "elves" long after it was necessary to keep pretending that they are elves and not HUMAN BEINGS, and, of course, some good old fashioned cable news fear-mongering. I mean, setting aside the fact that we have absolutely no idea what this sex-offender's sex-offense was, nor how long ago it was committed, and setting aside the fact that nothing actually happened, since he was simply volunteering and then was discovered and then the program was shut down, I still think this holiday season all parents should be concerned that their child might one day write a letter to Santa and then be ABDUCTED BY SANTA. Thank you, CNN, you brave group of intelligent grown-ups! (Thanks for the tip, Becca.)
Posted by Gabe at 10:17 AM in Newsmagazines
Tags: Christmas | CNN
Ummmm, how about we get rid of the program because it's a waste of money and we's broke? Sounds like the Sex Offender thing is a red herring. A Year Ago? That's like Catherine Zeta-Jones (ancient) news
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The AP reports CNN anchors as saying, quote,
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The US Postal Service sits on a throne of lies!
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You know when you see the news on Christmas Eve where at the end the weather man has breaking news that tonight will be a good night for Santa to travel, and he's right around our neighborhood? That's what this piece sort of felt like. But without the sex-offender.
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This Christmas Eve the weather man is going to tell us that it's overcast and gloomy: a good night for sex offenders to travel.
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Our word of the day is "chyron."
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The Grinch is an A-Hole... Straight Up.
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I'm confused, where was the laughing?
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In Alaska Nobody Can Hear You Laugh... It's like space, except really cold.
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Thank goodness no children in your country are secretly being abused by Santa behind closed doors. (spoiler alert: by "Santa" I mean their parents. Sorry if you didn't know)
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I want elves to step in and stop crime in my neighborhood....
(WHAT? Is this actually something? What are these guys even talking about?)
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Gabe didn't even mention the subtle reference to high quality, Pennsylvania-grown marijuana
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When do we get to talk about Twilight?!?!? My head has fallen off 4 times this weekend and let's make that 5 because OMGDUDEZ I am so pumped to hear what team Gabe is on.
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Discovering that a mall Santa is a sex offender is like discovering the cast of Entourage are assholes
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I once worked at the North Pole amusement park in the mountains of CO, and EVERY overweight old man employee with a big white beard playing Santa and huffing on their oxygen between kids and smoking cigarettes on their breaks were all perverted old fucks; hitting on their teenage female employee elves.
I'm totally bitter on Santa. The final straw was when I found out that the Santa we all know of is a Coca Cola construct. The mystery and magic is gone.
Coca Cola rapes little kids.
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Good call on the rape joke. We loooove those here at Videogum. More like rapeisfunnygum.com, amirite?
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WHOOPS.
DId I say Coca Cola rapes kids?
I meant rape-rapes kids.
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Better. Thank you.
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Usually Thanksgiving is where these jokes finally die: someone says it at the dinner table and then the old people learn what the new jokes the young people are saying are, and then the joke whithers away due to old people know about it. But I can't imagine rape-rape jokes at Thanksgiving. My advice is to short 2012 jokes and go long rape-rape jokes. Thanks, love Jim Cramer
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Maybe if we just locked our chimneys this wouldn't be a problem. Seriously, you're willing to let a strange man (who smells like caribou) into your house while your children are sleeping, but you're afraid of some volunteer in Maryland will know your kid wants a lego sparkle-vampire for Christmas?
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Check out the snuff film lens filter they used on the shots of the "elves" stamping letters.
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"The spirit of Christmas lives year round"? Is this a Tim Burton movie or something?
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riiiight: I know I'm not the target audience for this because they are talking about elves, and I know my kids are not the target audience because then CNN is making me explain sex offenders to them. Maybe the target audience is "the child in all of us" which is a reverse-sex-offender joke? Ugh, I liked it better before irony died. IRONY REST IN PEACE MAN YOU WAS CRAZY FOR REAL
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Probably because entering her twenties makes a lady's hormones go baby-crazy (ladies love babies!!!!), but, that letter addressed to "MR. SANTA, NORTH POLE, USA" would definitely win most adorable piece of mail 2009. I hope nothing bad happens to the tiny writer of that letter.
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The Grinch has grown wiser in the famine years of his popularity; he now wields the lobbying power of the unquenchable bureaucratic system, utilizing Scrooges millions to do untold damage to the Christmas Spirit.
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