The Orphan Poster Needs More Taglines!
Entertainment Weekly points out that there are kind of a lot of taglines on the Orphan poster. It's true! Usually a poster only has one tagline, something catchy and half-clever to give you the vaguest sense of what the movie is about and to entice you to see the movie. But this thing is all over the place. There is something wrong with Esther. Yes. Like, you mean that her face was Photoshopped by someone taking a night course in Photoshop at the local technical institute's Graphic Arts program? But also can I keep a secret? Like the secret about her Photoshop face? Is the secret that something is wrong with her? Because that's not a secret. You just told us that. Is the movie about how Esther is really bad at keeping secrets? There is something wrong with Esther's ability to keep secrets, so can you do it?
As far as I'm concerned, though, this poster doesn't have ENOUGH taglines. Waitress, more taglines please!
Better.
P.S. There is a possible real SPOILER ALERT here of what the wrong thing about Esther is that you need to keep secret, and DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THIS POSSIBLY REAL SPOILER ALERT IS HILARIOUS. OK, if you're still reading: it is hilarious.
Posted by Gabe at 1:00 PM in Movie Posters
Tags: Isabelle Fuhrman | Orphan | Peter Sarsgaard | Vera Farmiga
THE BAD SEED ONLY BADDER
Score = 14
THE BAD SEED ONLY BADDER
Score = 0
Dude, I swear I only hit Submit once. I will never downvote a multiple again.
Score = 72
I was actually just thinking the other day that that poster looks like when I run that highly amusing Photo Booth program, use the mirror effect and try to get my face symmetrical but just off enough to look creepy. And that's apparently exactly what the marketing department did.
Score = 11
SHE'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.
Score = 172
THE OMEN BUT WITH A GIRL . . . AND LESS GREGORY PECK.
Score = 12
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orphan_(film)
You guys, the parents' names in this film are JOHN AND KATE.
Score = 49
JOHN AND KATE PLUS HATE
Score = 185
I just love the production note on the Wikipedia page: "Though the film was shot in Toronto, Port Hope and Montreal, the production staff and cast are American."
I'M SO RELIEVED! For a second, I thought this movie would be Canadian. It's nice to know I'm watching crap made by Americans as opposed to some crap from "the mind" of Canadians.
Score = 29
I don't think it's a spoiler alert if the movie comes pre-spoiled.
Score = 15
the commercials already ruin what's wrong with esther -- she's a bitch.
Score = 32
Nobody puts Esther in the Corner...of death?
Oh leave me alone!
Score = 21
Is she one of Missy Elliot's dancers?
Score = 17
YO THIS LITTLE GIRL IS WEIRD!
Score = 23
Esther? I damn near killed her.
Score = 51
"America's other, lesser liked little orphan girl."
Score = 21
SHE SKIPPED 3RD GRADE AND NEVER LEARNED CURSIVE
Score = 74
SHE'S GOT SOME SORT OF STOMACH VIRUS
Score = 31
Not to act like the president of spelling or anything, but you misspelled Vera Farmiga's first name in the tags.
Score = 1
I felt bad for writing this, but then I read that spoiler, and now I know I will never feel HALF as bad as whoever wrote the script for the movie "Orphan". whoops to aisle 666! (huh?)
Score = 1
oh sweet fancy moses, the spoiler alert is hilarious and if it's true, that is almost enough to motivate me to pay out some cash for this movie.
Can we just cut to the chase and annoint this WMOAT based on the spoiler (and the presence of Vera Farmiga who CANNOT act and was terrible in another ludicrous bad seed movie, "Joshua"),
Score = 12
HEADS WILL ROLL (if you untie her scarf)
Score = 18
Okay, see I remember that scary story from when I was a kid, so I'm also gonna guess that this movie is a crummy rip-off of that. I'm just hoping her head will fall off from a gentle shove at the beginning of the movie, and then it will be over, and then we don't have to watch two more hours of crap.
Score = 7
SCARIEST STORY EVER. AND I WATCHED X FILES.
Score = 2
Rosemary's Baby's Baby
Score = 27
THE FIRST MOVIE EVER TO FEATURE A CREEPY DEMON CHILD
Score = 37
Because you watched Harry Potter last week
Score = 23
there's something very twins-like about this poster. that's not to say i'm defending the Crap Quote Job. just something i noticed because of the random, accidental bipolar nature of the quotes.
Score = 1
From the mind of El Diablo (Cody)...
Score = 12
In Space, Orphan Can Hear You Scream...
Score = 5
SHE HAS A D*CK.
Score = 63
Oh my god, I laughed so hard at this, AT WORK.
Score = 5
Definitely served as the daily contribution to my LOLk.
Score = 3
ESTHER HAS TROUBLE DIGESTING MILK PROTEINS.
Score = 29
Also, I just read the spoiler (because I could care less about this movie), and OMG, it's ridiculous.
Welcome to Twist Ending Retirement, Sixth Sense. Ya just got served. Now eat your tapioca.
Score = 10
Just read it. At least it beats immortality or resurrection by a mile.
Score = 2
SHE'S GOT A UNIBROW
Score = 4
SHE'S A TALKER
Score = 35
I WAS THE INSPIRATION BEHIND THE ODIPUS COMPLEX. EVERYONE BUT MY STEP-DADDY MUST DIE.
Score = -3
Oedipus
Score = 7
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE REJECTED IN A MICKEY MOUSE CLUB AUDITION.
Score = 1
AS IF YOU NEEDED ANY OTHER REASON NOT TO FEEL SORRY FOR ORPHANED CHILDREN
Score = 11
IF HER MOTHER KNEW HOW SHE'D TURN OUT SHE WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED AN ABORTION INSTEAD OF PUTTING HER UP FOR ADOPTION EVEN THOUGH HER MOTHER HAD A VERY INTENSE CATHOLIC UPBRINGING, SO PERHAPS YOU CAN INFER JUST HOW EVIL THE ORPHAN MUST BE IF HER MOTHER WHO IS BOTH A PAPIST AND A FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTOR TO CERTAIN PRO-LIFE ADVOCACY GROUPS WOULD CONSIDER HAVING HER OWN DAUGHTER ABORTED IN LIGHT OF WHAT SHE WOULD SUBSEQUENTLY FIND OUT ABOUT SAID ORPHAN DAUGHTER'S VIOLENT PROCLIVITIES WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE SOME SORT OF OCCULT CONNOTATION.
Score = 23
SHE'S A VAMPIRE
Score = 2
HER IMAGINARY FRIEND IS TERROR! OR SOMETHING!
Score = 1
Did Esther escape from Case 39?
Score = 1
SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO APPLY EYESHADOW!
Score = 15
Two taglines = recipe for success
Score = 28
I've seen the movie at a sneak preview and the spoiler is absolutely true and it is as ridiculous as it sounds.
Score = 5
Well, they were right, guys. I would NEVER have guessed what is wrong with Esther.
Score = 5
I WANT MY MOMMY (TO DIE!!)!!
Score = 3
She can count to 666
Score = 6
Better phrasing: She just learned to count...to 666
Score = 3
That spoiler is pretty amazing.
Score = 2
She can't print upper case "r"s!
Score = 6
ANGELINA'S GOT ONE, MADONNA'S GOT ONE, NOW SATAN'S GOT ONE
Score = 31
After reading that spoiler, I came to the conclusion that his is another product of that writer's strike. I am slow.
Score = 3
YEAH WELL ABORT YOU!
Score = 0
WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT
Score = 0
THE LONG AWAITED SEQUEL TO THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK
Score = 0