November 19, 2009
Not only does Tim Allen star in a new movie called Crazy on the Outside, he also directed it! He's a director now! People in Hollywood are like, "this is a safe place to invest our millions of dollars." People in Hollywood are like, "we're gonna need a greener light!" But based on the poster for Tim Allen's new movie, Crazy on the Outside, which looks GREAT by the way, it would appear that Tim Allen is also in charge of the movie's Photoshopping. How else to explain how incredibly awful this is other than that it was done by the incredibly awful person in it? (This paragraph is basically the Wikipedia entry for "Occam's Razor.")
Hollywood realizes that Photoshop has been around for thousands of years now, right? It's no longer a room-sized machine that takes a crew of PhD scientists to operate. Children can use Photoshop now to make photorealistic images of themselves in modern, baggage-free domestic partnerships with Selena Gomez. And children could do a much better job than whoever (Tim Allen) did this.
And it's one thing for all of the characters behind the door to be obviously Photoshopped, fine, but was it really necessary to even Photoshop Tim Allen's face onto that 1993-body? He couldn't make himself available for a half-hour photoshoot to promote that he stars in AND directed? No time! "Sorry, I've got to clean the cocaine residue out of my crepe-maker. Get a stand-in, and I'll just MSPaint a self-portrait from my Friendster profile onto it in the middle of the night in five minutes between jerk-offs." Tim Allen, you guys. American legend. American ARTIST.
Posted by Gabe at 1:30 PM in
Tags: Crazy On The Outside | Tim Allen
latest by IkilledMichael
November 16, 2009
Couples Retreat, this fall's most thinly veiled paid vacation for Vince Vaughan and his friends, was already obviously terrible. We all know that. No one is wondering whether or not Couples Retreat, a nominal "comedy" in which three unhappy couples go to Hawaii for almost no reason other than that the stars of the movie wanted to go to Hawaii, is unfunny and miserable, much like the characters' marriages. But somehow this movie has managed to get even worse now that the token black couple has been Photoshopped out of the movie poster in the UK's marketing push. From the Mail:
The makers of a hit Hollywood film are at the centre of a race controversy after removing two black actors from a poster being used to promote it in Britain.
A spokesman for makers Universal Pictures confirmed the poster had been changed to 'simplify' it for the UK and international market outside America. The studio said it regretted causing offence and has abandoned plans to use the revised poster in other countries.
Yikes! Both posters enlarged, along with some additional COMMENTARY, after the jump.
Continue reading Couples Retreat Somehow Gets Worse...
Posted by Gabe at 1:45 PM in ,
Tags: Couples Retreat | Eracism | Faizon Love | Jason Bateman | Jon Favreau | Kali Hawk | Kristen Bell | Kristen Davis | Malin Akerman | Vince Vaughn
latest by Trouble Downstream
October 26, 2009
Here's the new Sherlock Holmes poster you guys have been waiting for so anxiously. "Where iz it, I cant waiiiiiiiit." Is what you said on all your Sherlock Holmes Fan Forums. "OMG, Fans of Baskerville, who else is so excited that they feel high on snuff?" That was you again. On the Sherlock Holmes angelfire message boards.
This is an incredibly boring poster, but whatever. People are probably going to make their decisions on whether or not to see this movie based on whether or not they like Robert Downey Jr., or the work of Guy Ritchie, or Victorian era mysteries updated for a Rollerblade generation. Not the poster.
But, OOF, that tagline? "Holmes for the Holiday"? You are kidding us, right? Someone is kidding us. Good one, everybody. In a few years we're going to laugh about what a good prank Improv Everywhere pulled when they changed all the Sherlock Holmes posters to make them have the worst tagline.
Like, is it even possible to think of a worse tagline than that? I'm not sure it is! It's very, very bad. But, of course, we can try:
Continue reading Can We Even Come Up With A Worse Tagline For Sherlock Holmes?...
Posted by Gabe at 3:45 PM in
Tags: Guy Ritchie | Jude Law | Robert Downey Jr. | Sherlock Holmes
latest by douglasdodgson
September 25, 2009
September 21, 2009
Check out the movie poster for Dwayne Johnson's new movie, Tooth Fairy. Very powerful stuff. I'm sure members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences see this poster and are like "honey, pass me my ballot. I'm submitting my nominees for all of the Academy Awards early this year." The movie just sounds really good:
A bad deed on the part of a tough minor-league hockey player (Johnson) results in an unusual sentence: He must serve one week as a real-life tooth fairy.
Well, that explains the tooth fairy's ice skates and knee pads? But one week? I could serve one week as a real-life tooth fairy in my sleep.
Look, Dwayne Johnson, if you want to make a movie about the Tooth Fairy, go ahead and make a movie about the Tooth Fairy. Literally no one is stopping you. You can even save yourself the 10 minutes it would take to come up with an interesting or clever name and just call it Tooth Fairy. But let us be clear on something: your name is The Rock. This has been pointed out before, but enough with the "serious actor" thing. The closest you ever got was Southland Tales, and we know how that turned out.
UNLESS Tooth Fairy is a gripping examination of the military's legal and moral flexibility in the pursuit of America's self-defense, in which case, nevermind. (Poster via Daemon'sMovies.)
Posted by Gabe at 1:00 PM in
Tags: Children | Dwayne Johnson | Hockey | The Rock | Tooth Fairy
latest by EverythingIsJustFine
September 10, 2009
We have seen some pretty poorly Photoshopped movie posters in the past, but I think that this Takers poster is the saddest of the whole bunch. There is phoning it in, and then there is this.
I mean, look, we all know that Hayden Christensen and T.I. have busy schedules, what with being engaged to Rachel Bilson and being engaged to prison (respectively). And Chris Brown was probably out shopping for bowties and knuckle bandages. You're not going to be able to get all these guys in the same place at the same time (why, it would cost literally a fraction of the millions-dollar budget of the movie to ensure that the cast appeared for a lazy afternoon of bagels and photoshoots. You people expect the impossible!*). I recognize that in the fast-paced world of the Movie Posters Biz, sometimes you have to stitch the cast together from separate images of the individual cast members in order to create a cohesive image.
BUT TO LITERALLY PHOTOSHOP SOME OF THEIR FACES ONTO RANDOM BODIES? I feel like a Victorian statesman being confronted with a waxless handlebar moustache. SOME THINGS JUST ARE NOT DONE, SIR. I would like to take this poster out to the polo fields and I would like to shoot this poster in the head with a dueling pistol!
Continue reading The Takers Poster Is The Worst Poster Ever Made...
Posted by Gabe at 3:15 PM in
Tags: Chris Brown | Hayden Christensen | Idris Elba | Matt Dillon | Paul Walker | T.I. | Takers
latest by Pharme111
September 2, 2009
Oh wow. You know, it's one thing for Hollywood to put everyone in Narnia on rollerblades, or to rewrite the Last Starfighter as a magical X-Box 360 console in the middle of nowhere, but in general, Hollywood remakes at least LOOK like they took SOME effort. Usually one at least has the sense that your raped childhood has been laid to rest on a pile of money. WHAT IS THIS?
First of all, that tag-line is so funny. Smurfs is going to be about a Cuban immigrant who attempts to take over Miami's cocaine industry? But, you know, for kids! So I guess it's a Smurf immigrant who attempts to take over Smurfi's smurfaine industmurf. They're just trying to appeal to the parents who are going to have to buy the tickets for their children. "You know, it's obviously for kids, but I enjoyed it too. The scene in which Angel Smurftinez is murdered in a bathtub with a chainsaw right in front of Smurfface's eyes, I mean, that's going to go over a kid's head, but I definitely got it."
But, um, WHAT IS THAT SMURF? It honestly looks like the first computer drawing ever. "It is amazing what this little machine that is only the size of two football fields can do. It took ten of our Nobel Laureate technicians 14 months to produce this, but with some luck, we might one day be able to turn American soldiers into tiny drawings. Can you imagine a bloodless war?" And other military-industrial nonsense. Seriously, though, what happened here? Someone tell me what happened here? Did someone drop their computer in the toilet? This thing looks like it was run over by the bagel truck. Unbelievable.
Posted by Gabe at 10:15 AM in
Tags: Smurfs
latest by Joey
August 19, 2009
What? This doesn't even make sense anymore. When Saw II came out and the poster featured two severed fingers standing up on their stumps, that was a grotesque display of well-Photoshopped body parts that made sense. The number 2. Any idiot could see that. We all recognize the number 2 when we see it, even when it is gross, that's the one percent of DNA that separates us from chimpanzees. But this? There is definitely something wrong with Esther.
For one thing: what is that tagline? "Trust in him"? Trust in who, Jigsaw? This is the sixth movie. We know not to trust in him. Fool us once, shame on you, fool us six times (so far), UGH ON ALL OF US. Trust in him. Trust in THIS. And if you were going to have a strange, indecipherable tag line, perhaps you could include a visual to help us make sense of it?
Nope.
I know that movies in general and the Saw movies in particular are make-believe, and that you have to willfully suspend (from meathooks?) your disbelief, or whatever, but you can't have human hand boxing gloves like that. No, I'm not a doctor, sometimes you just learn some things about the human body as you go. You could have sticky, floppy, loosey goosey human hand boxing gloves MAYBE. But they would not be thick and powerful just like human hands. They would be ladylike and disgusting. Also why are they boxing gloves? Forget it, I don't want to know. There's a reason I don't watch these movies.
The Saw VII poster is going to be seven butts on a tray and it's going to say "Your butt, sir." Probably!
(Click through to enlarge, if you must.)
Posted by Gabe at 2:30 PM in
Tags: Horror Survival | Jigsaw | Saw VI
latest by bankcashmoney
