Videogum: California Edition
Hey, you guys, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I am in Los Angeles, California for a few days to meet with the President of Entertainment. If things go as I expect they will, he'll probably put me in charge of everything. "What do you mean, you don't think Marg Helgenberger is the best actress to play Lois Lane Jr. in the upcoming Dax Shepard Superman: Babies spin-off reboot tent-pole franchise? I've already given it the green light, you're fired. [Pulls Bluetooth earpiece out of ear and throws it in disgust onto the plate with the remains of his cocaine omelet]."
Just kidding. I'm mostly meeting with Southern California's Regional Manager of the Lawnmower Man to talk about the future of making all the phones in the world ring in unison. But that means that posting will be light until Thursday, when it will be back to normal. There will be posting, it will just be light. Sometimes maybe very light?! I don't know. Stay strong! We can still do this! Let's paint, exercise, and be in California for a few days.
Posted by Gabe at 8:00 PM in Letter From The Editor
Tags: Hollywood | The Lawnmower Man
Have fun in California. Surf and sun and whatnot.
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I signed in just to upvote this because it made me unreasonably angry that someone downvoted it.
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This is unrelated to Gabe Does Hollywood, but:
Yes I know there are 404s all over both 'Gums! It started Friday and I hope to have it fixed Monday. Let's paint, exercise, and learn about updating the CMS archive maps to use EntryBaseName instead of EntryTitle or something. Wha?
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Those words intimidate me.
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He's not going to surf. He is going to execute some vigilante justice on Roman Polanski, videogum style!
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This beckons the image of Gabe frantically sorting through multiple Firefox tabs.
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If they hire you to do punch-up, you have just landed my dream job.
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Oh, I'm with you. Punch-up work is the most exciting, soul-enriching form of creative expression the world has ever known. If I do nothing else for the rest of my days, I will have died a happy man (I will not have died a happy man. I will have died a broken and pathetic failure of a man.)
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Also, I read the post again, and still haven't the slightest clue what Gabe is actually doing in LA. So I'm going to assume that he's moonlighting as a "mover" for a Mexican drug cartel while working days in San Fernando Valley. The monsters will soon have much more interesting Photoshop opportunities.
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I think it's pretty obvious why he is in California. He is pitching the idea of a Gabe and Max film. Topher came through with the six million dollars and this thing is happening, people! They have an IMDB page any everything!*
*They do not have an IMDB page. I may have made all this up. He is in fact having fun at dinner with Dax Shepard (Perez Hilton said they ordered the 'pussycake').
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and everything*. I was just so excited!!
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Inside All Of Us is....Fear
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If I were Ted "Theodore" Logan, I would be all, "Have a most excellent adventure!" But since I am me, and me is bitter, am I more like, "If there is not a WMOAT tomorrow, it'll be your balls on a platter, Delahaye! YOUR! BALLS!!"
Ha ha, just kidding. Party on, dude! Snap lots of polaroids for us to enjoy later!
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either someone has a laptop
or someone's going to be spending an awkward amount of time at an LA public library computer station (NO PORN OR ONLINE GAMBLING)
or maybe someone's about to merge with the mainframe and become pure energy*.
*something like 1.9*10^21 Joules of pure energy, given 40% efficiency (generous!) in conversion and assuming i'm write about your weight, you feeble old man. That's a lot of energy!!! Don't spend it all in one place!!!
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Actually, I'm pretty sure I read an article about some mother who took her kids to a library in Dallas and there was a guy there watching porn. She got all freaked out and tried to have the library kick him out and they were like "as long as he's not jacking off there's nothing we can do." So watching porn in the library is apparently a-okay.
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Yeah, librarians as a group are pretty well organized politically, and as a rule they take their First Amendment damn seriously, so attempts to restrict internet access in public libraries have generally met with some significant pushback.
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As a double board certified librarian, I heartily concur with this statement. But this is not to start any rumors that we librarians are trying to subject your children to porn. At least, not while you're looking. Just when you leave them unattended in the library.
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kids watching cakefart in the library the darndest things
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I don't know what that is and I don't want to find out.
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Only thing weirder than cakefart are the advertisements on cakefart
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Okay, I KNOW that must say "Sassy Kanye," but I'm just going to pretend it says "assy Kanye."
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Tip: make sure the kids are ready when John Cusack arrives in the limo.
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I hope all of the posts have some corny surfing-based theme behind them. Or Schwarzenegger-based theme. You know, CALIFORNIA STUFF.
(Please don't let this turn into a kitten-picture comments section. My soul can't bear it.)
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Anyone else not able to get to pretty much any posts from this week?
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I'll forgive you if you fix that damn alanta housewives thing. I get a 404 whenever I click. This isn't highschool anymore, I don't have to put up with this.
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Bring me back a double-double.
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I live about a block from the nearest In-N-Out.
Dinner, here I come.
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All of this dancing around the subject of what he's doing in LA makes me 1000% sure he is there for a secret rendezvous with Gwyneth.
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Don't forget Padma Lakshmi.
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I have a bad feeling about this.
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Are you in Thom Yorke's band now?
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So you guys know that Gabe isn't actually funny, right? I mean, he is good at recycling the same 10 phrases and inside jokes a dozen times a day, but otherwise...not so good.
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Oh
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Well shit I have to find a new blog now.
I hate being so wrong for so long.
HUGE DISAPPOINTMENTGUM, way to kill santa for everyone SenorB.
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Such attention to detail, too bad they dripped icing on it and ruined it.
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Before we're all quick to downvote, we have to admit that That One brings up a pretty good point.
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Says the guy who is reading Videogum at 11:25 on a SUNDAY NIGHT! Hypocritegum.
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So what the fuck are you doing here? You know how many sites that I find unfunny that I also visit and post on? None! Cuz I'm not "that guy". Don't be "that guy". You are already "that guy" in life enough. Besides its not how much he can use the same phrase, because there are only like 20 jokes total in the whole world anyway, but how well.
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"We can still do this! Let's paint, exercise, and be in California for a few days." There is a "we" and there is an implied "us." Does this mean that you will or will not be OK with all of us showing up at your hotel room door in about six hours (assuming everyone also lives in New York and/or has a time machine...in which case, they'd probably have just ridden with you on the plane over)?
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Is there a way to erase "ridden" or do I just kill myself instead? I was just trying to get ready for California.
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What the fuck am I going to do with my life now, Gabe?
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I know! What am I going to do with my free time now that I won't be looking at new posts/commenting on old posts/scrounging for upvotes???
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I'm really hoping this is who you are meeting.
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Gabe, I live in Hollywood, so let's do this thing. Surfing tomorrow? Pink's? What's it gonna be? There is a new "mini" kids section at LACMA that allows you to paint, so we can do that, and I'll take you over to YogaWorks for your exercise. Skipped anything? Oh yeah, hipster spotting at Spaceland/The Echo/The Smell/The Scene. And there's a cat show. We should do that too.
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"And there's a cat show. We should do that too." should be the ending of every great romantic "let me take you away" speech in movie history from now on. That is amazing.
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and sex. don't forget the sex.
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Gabe,
while you are there can you ask hollywood why the hell Seth McFarlane was in Flash Forward the other night?
That was disconcerting and unnecessary.
I assume he won some sort of contest to be on tv.
(Also tell them that Flash Forward would still be ridiculous even without Seth McFarlane in it.)
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He didn't win the contest - the rest of us lost.
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"Stay outta L.A.L.A."
-Neil Young
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"I'm going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali."
- Neil Young
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I can't wait for 404gum to be a thing of the past. The Grey's Anatomy post get screwed, and I feel a little bad for Mary. Apparently a baby's arm got ripped off (!?!), and I'm completely unwilling to watch the show to verify this.
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Gabe's transformation into Hank Moody is almost complete.
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here's hoping you don't you find a way back
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here's hoping this won't interfere with the gossip girl review. jus' sayin'
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Oh, and also this:
Because surfboard + cat = VIDEOGUM: CALIFORNIA EDITION, basically
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There is a cat on that surfboard! But cats do not surf!
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I know! And this
has nothing to do with Roman Polanski, but here I am, I just go with the flow!
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I hope you're not pitching a screenplay based on Infinite Jest because that's my plan, but first I have to actually finish reading the book.
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I'd say take all the free time Gabe's absence gives you and finish that book (but not the screenplay).
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I'm home sick and I won't even have Videogum posts to keep me entertained? Boo.
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Please tell us that while you're out here you're going to sit in on a taping of The Jay Leno Show (sometimes abbreviated as WRST).
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Gabe in Hollywood, He's going off the rails trying to get Ben Kingsley to be in his movie and doing a shitload of coke.
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Welcome to LA, Gabe! I think you brought the crisp weather, and we're all grateful to you for that. (I'm talking to you about the weather because you're 57 years old.) (Don't try to surf. You'll break your good hip.)
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GABEY, i know you're in LA and its all gwenyths and jay lenos, but us gossip girl fans need your recaps. make us proud.
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