Gwyneth Paltrow Is As Awful In Person As She Is As An Abstract Concept
I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. As far as I'm concerned she's the aging bourgeois equivalent of Heidi and Spencer. Self-satisfied, detached from the world outside of her "clean" bubble, outrageously entitled, and overly confident in her planetary value. One could argue that she has a certain modicum of talent, which would instantly make the comparison to Heidi and Spencer inapt, but in reality she was born to a family of Hollywood royalty. I'm not saying she doesn't bring anything to the acting table, I'm just saying her seat was reserved. And as far as her extra-curricular activities go, namely her lifestyle website built around her innate ability to give advice to people with equally vast amounts of wealth and leisure time on how to spend/use it, that's just gross. To carry on with this comparison, Goop is to the internet as Spencer Pratt's rap career is to rap: a blind, tone-deaf, ego-driven offense to the medium.
But all of this has gotten rather abstract. After Paltrow's "triumphant" return to the big screen last year with Iron Man, her place in the media has mainly comprised self-made email newsletters about mid-century bathroom fixtures or tips from her over-priced private pilates instructor, and interviews with gossip magazines about said email newsletters. Perhaps Gwyneth just looks (really, really) bad on paper. Perhaps in person she is much more charming and tolerable.
Nope.
She appeared on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien last night, for some reason? She wasn't promoting anything. Just chillin'. I feel like when you call Gwyneth Paltrow up and ask her what she's doing, she sets the flute of champagne down next to the marble-lined indoor lap pool and says "just chillin'."
Anyway, this woman is fucking awful.
Part One:
OK, well just right off the bat can we please stop the tape when Gwyneth first sits down?
Did she literally rub her legs in canola oil? (SPOILER ALERT: yes.)
Enhance.
Enhance.
\
Gross.
I know that "cute" stories about kids is a staple of the terrible talk show guest, but for some reason Gwyneth's stories are so much more unbearable.
"How cool is this house?"
"Very cool."
Did you know that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't even know what she does for a living? This guy totally relates to what she's saying:
Part Two:
Ugh! Right, Gwyneth. Your movies have always been much more arty. I'll never forget the neohumanism of Shallow Hal, or the touching quotidian mundanity of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. You're like fucking Werner Herzog over there, if Werner Herzog was in DUETS!
I hope Conan enjoyed his free exercise tip care of Gwyneth's friend and personal trainer, Tracy Anderson. Maybe he'd like to join the gym the two of them opened in Tribeca. It only costs "like $4,500 to join and then hundreds of dollars a month." Because that's a price that makes sense to pay for something like that.
Maybe next time her friends ask her WHERE TO GO IN BARCELONA she can dip into her Scrooge McDuck vault of gold and offer them 10 dollars to BUY A TRAVEL GUIDE and SPARE THE REST OF US.
The worst woman.
Posted by Gabe at 11:00 AM in Late Night
Tags: Conan O'Brien | Goop | Gwyneth Paltrow | Tonight Show
Her legs look they were built in a cave. With scraps.
Score = 9
I hate her cloven hoof ankle boots too.
Score = 6
She did Shakespeare in Love and Emma, so she can't be all bad - though it could be argued that she just played herself in both roles: a centuries old blue-blood who judges those beneath her and/or falls for an artist from the wrong side of the tracks.
that said, is anyone else constantly surprised she's not British... it's a new revelation every time I hear her speak.
Score = 8
sadly, she's a homegrown american monster
Score = 12
She's American?? I actually didn't watch any of that.
That being said, my aunt actually rubs her legs in vaseline to make them look like that. I don't know why (I'm not saying Gwynny is my aunt).
Score = 11
Yeah, i checked, and she is all bad. Sorry!
Score = 6
this is to all my haterz out there - for whoever downvoted me, YOOOO WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!!1!!1!!
Score = 4
Nothing clever. She's just completely and utterly terrible.
Score = 4
Gabe, you are the best.
I watched this last night and was so grossed out by her. She mentioned at least twice that her kids call Jay-Z "Uncle Jay" and that he is a family friend. WE GET IT GWYNETH! Your life is effing glorious and you believe you have street cred. This just in, your husband looks like a Revolutionary War Minute Man reject. I wish celebrities would just understand that just because your job is "awesome" does not make you particularly unique, it just makes your job unique. I'm gonna go back to the children I teach and watch them eat white foods not featured on GOOP. Shudder Gwyneth!
Score = 29
"your husband looks like a Revolutionary War Minute Man reject"
That made me laugh so hard, and I can't even figure out why.
Score = 10
When I was watching this last night I kept thinking that Gabe was going to have a field day tomorrow.
Score = 26
The picture for the post is exactly everything that Gwyneth embodies...a stick in the ass. I shuddered when she called Jay-Z "Uncle Jay" STOP IT. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.
Score = 12
Sorry, I couldn't finish watching those.
Score = 4
at least Joel McHale made up for this tramp
Score = 10
Agreed. It was quite the dichotomy of the worst and then the best.
Score = 12
the best part (worst part) of his interview was when he mentioned how his 4 yr old got naked in the bath tub with a woman and told her to spread her legs. what? is that a normal/ok thing?
Score = 8
Yeah, it was especially great because Paltrow was so scandalized. I think I heard her say, "Oh my!" at one point. (That's not true but it should be.)
Score = 6
I tried really hard to like her in this interview, I was all full of goodwill for some reason. She did alright, all things considered. She was a good sport. She giggled at the right times. But yeah, those cringe-worthy moments as Gabe pointed out "how cool is this house?" and when she claimed to have been broke and that's why she did Iron Man it's just like um hello bitch HOW FUCKING OUT OF TOUCH ARE YOU. She's terrible, but I sort of feel like it's not entirely her fault, or she doesn't mean it, or something.
Score = 6
Oh Gabe. You know, grass isn't always greener, no matter how much fertilizer you have.
Score = 9
more like gwyneth MALtrow
Score = -3
I've never understood your hatred for Gwynnie. She looked FINE last night. Yeah, her legs were a little shiny, but so what?
And re: SKY CAPTAIN -- if I had a video store, I would file that movie under "Interesting Failures."
Score = -37
What does her looking good have to do with her awful personality?
Score = 17
I watched the interview expecting her to be The Worst, but instead found her to be almost charming. I guess you hate her because she has greasy legs? Enjoys her kids? Is famous and knows other famous people? She certainly comes across entitled, but if you think she's awful you must not know very many rich people.
Score = -28
This doesn't even make sense. I have plenty of hatred to go around for all the entitled rich people I know. That's what being poor is all about--recognizing the awful in every rich person.
Score = 18
Thats not canola oil. Its salad dressing. It gives a better sheen.
Score = 21
now put the chicken in your mouth!
Score = 3
gabe, your enhance, enhance, enhance gag tells me you just might be a blade runner nerd. if that's the case, please educate lindsay on who joanna cassidy is/was
Score = 2
Her friends call her GP and are required to walk five paces behind her in public.
Score = 25
I think this interview would have been more successful if the ratio of Gwyneth Paltrow saying words to Conan talking about his naked backside had been dramatically different. In the words of President Obama, OH, WELL.
P.S. This is definitely another candidate for the How Long Can You Watch This Before Stopping and/or Spooning Your Eyes Right Out of Their Sockets segment on Videogum. (HLCYWTBSSYEROTS for short)
Score = 6
The fact that her kids call Jay Z "Uncle Jay Z" is the worst. I threw up my champagne and hor' dourves when she said that shit.
Score = 33
Did anyone else accidentally fall on the gouge-out-your-own-eyes wreck of Great Expectations? Ugh. Times a million.
Score = 3
I kind of wish she had spread the canola oil on the top part of her legs too. and her arms. and her face. I have had too much cough medicine today.
Score = 9
the greased up leg photos are as far as i needed to go to understand and agree with your point of view.
Score = 9
Goop is also what she rubs on her legs. Zing!
Score = 21
If you look even closer at her legs, you'll see a baby seal trying to escape the oil slicks. :o
Score = 9
I agree with everything that was written about this interview but one big thing seems to have been missed entirely: she checked how she looked on camera a thousand times, while conan was talking to her. It's pretty obvious when celebrities do this on talk shows because they have to look off toward some monitor in the studio and she did this over and over again. She looked like a deer in the headlights, trying to make sure she had just enough goop on her legs.
Score = 3
dude,
what's with all this hate? I can understand making fun of oil dipped legs (which I also found distractingly and not-in-a-good-way shiny) but unlike heidi and spencer who expose their "real" selves onto television, she is foremost an actress and you can't really judge her as a person from a few interviews. Yeah, the whole website thing seems self-involved but geez man calm it down on the negativity. She's still a person and you're still an anonymous blogger completely ranting on someone who you would never say these things to face to face.
Score = -3
Gabe, sometimes I don't agree with you, but I always love you again when you post about Gwynnie. The coal miner photo was priceless.
Score = 3
She didn't rub her legs with canola oil....I did.
Score = -1
Fact: I have disliked Paltrow since I was about 12 when I figured out who the hell she was. My long dislike of her had given me a false sense of superiority, and I hope it will continue to in the future when more bloggers start to talk about how wretched, dull and awful this woman is. Good work Gabe. I officially love this site even more.
Score = 2
i have never thought that much about gwyneth paltrow.
Score = 1
your weird this video didnt bother me, and her legs dont really bother me either. huh. you're weird. it seems pretty cool her kids a little oddball and is allowed to listen to jayz. huh why is she such a problem? you guys seem pretty snooty about this, a little biased in a way i can't begin to understand maybe, high atop your "indie"-cred tower. I didnt see the second video, so maybe thats where the magic is but otherwise calm down go out find good music and write about it wanna bitch i hope you're a women gabe cuz this is some people magazine shit.
Score = -2
I'm thnking Paltrow must have left a greasy spot on the couch
Score = 0
i think its really sick that Jay-Z knows Chris Martin knows Gwyneth Paltrow meets somebody that cares.
Score = 1
I like when he says, "We have not scratched the surface." Like there's anything beyond the surface. Come on! Did they tell Conan he had to be a complete kissass like Jay in order to take his place? Because I think that's what's happening and it frightens me.
Score = 0
That being said, I totally loved her PBS travel series in Spain... mostly because of everyone in the show who wasn't her.
Score = 0
I think she's a terrible actress. I really liked "The Talented Mr. Ripley" but even in her small part she made me cringe. The Shakespeare in Love Oscar was just one of those entitlement Oscars. I also think she looks like an albino hamster.
Score = 0
I think she's a terrible actress. I really liked "The Talented Mr. Ripley" but even in her small part she made me cringe. The "Shakespeare in Love" Oscar was just one of those entitlement Oscars. I also think she looks like an albino hamster.
Score = 0
it used to be that people were into indie rock because they liked cool music.. i guess indie rock sucks so bad right now, people have to distract themselves with the pointless hate of people they'll never meet --
i guess it beats having to actually listen to Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective and the current worst offenders, Dirty Projectors
I thought Gwyneth was great in Iron Man even if the role seemed a bit small for her. Being a movie star seems like nice work if you can get it. If some star or whatever on TV seems a little boring why do you just do what people have done for 50 years -- turn the channel or better yet switch off the LCD screen and read a book and better yourselves.
Hate wasn't funny yesterday, it's not today, and it'll be even more of a drag tomorrow. So she knows Jay Z? So what? Issues, issues, issues...
Score = -5
i want to nominate dd's post for the most non sequitur bullshit post of the year.
Score = 5
hey chris martin, you know you aren't posting on stereogum.com, right?
Score = 0
Did Gwyneth Paltrow just use the term "aggro" all casually? How did that happen.
Score = 1
i'm obviously really late to the game on this one but i do have to say that as i was watching this FUCKING CARWRECK i did think "oh god she is playing VIDEOGUM BINGO and she doesn't even know it".
Score = 2