Goosebumps! I've got goosebumps all over! And I'm vomiting!
Now, we learned months ago that there is no such thing as a free laugh on the Internet. So almost as quickly as we discovered the creepy old man signing "Pretty Woman" on YouTube, we discovered that the creepy old man was on the registered sex offenders list. Yikes. Well, it seemed too good to be true. A creep on the Internet who is somehow not actually a creep? C'mon son!
But now the creepy old man has been placed in jail, in part due to his "Pretty Woman" video.
Hahahahhahahaha. Roman Polanski's request to be released on bail was denied? That's weird! Guy seems super trustworthy with that kind of stuff. From the AP:
Roman Polanski's three decades as a fugitive are coming back to haunt him.
Noting his previous escape from U.S. authorities, Switzerland's top criminal court on Tuesday rejected Polanski's appeal to be released from prison because of the "high" risk that the 76-year-old director would try to flee again.
Polanski's offers of bail, house arrest and electronic monitoring failed to sway the tribunal. Even a Swiss chalet in the luxury resort of Gstaad was brushed aside as insufficient collateral to guard against Polanski fleeing the country, as the United States seeks to have him extradited for having sex with a 13-year-old girl in 1977.
Wait, even a Swiss chalet in the luxury resort of Gstaad was brushed aside as insufficient collateral to guard against Polanski fleeing the country?!?! So you're telling me that the Swiss government doesn't believe the threat of losing one of his many mansions scattered across the globe would keep a man who has been living a life of exile for three decades from returning to a life of exile to avoid spending the few remaining years of his life in prison? Come on, Swiss government! Where is he going to go? Besides ALMOST ANYWHERE?!
Remember last week when Dr. Phil got sued for the perfect crime? Well apparently that's like his thing now, because another woman is suing him for the same reasons. He loves it. From TMZ:
Another woman has filed a lawsuit against Dr. Phil -- claiming she too was forced to be in the same room with a "completely naked man, who was exposing his entire naked body, genitals and all."
The lawsuit, filed in L.A. County Superior Court by a woman named Crystal Matchett, is basically the same as the one filed by Shirley Dieu last week -- with one exception ... Crystal never accuses Dr. Phil of grabbing her boob.
So, Crystal not accusing Dr. Phil of grabbing "her boob" (TMZ: important journalism) is the only exception? That means that Crystal Matchett is following in Shirley Dieu's legal footsteps and claiming that Dr. Phil "subjected [her] to edited tapings depicting her as a different personality than her own"? Because I am really hoping that someone will finally explain to me what that even means. I know I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know all of the magical law spells, but that is seriously some of the nonsensiest nonsense ever. OVERRULED!
In any case, I've said it before, and I will apparently say it again: I'm sure these women's cases will hold up in court since nothing seems more likely than that a fraudulent blowhard TV doctor making millions of dollars would risk it all in order to hold a woman involuntarily in his Hollywood office and force her to look at a man without any clothes on. IT SIMPLY MAKES THE MOST SENSE.
I know that the philosopher Christopher George Latore Wallace once wrote, "mo money, mo problems," but I think that he got it wrong. It's more like, "mo money, mo ridiculous lawsuits that really sound insane when you write them out." Oprah, who was recently sued for one trillion dollars in an epic Online Poetry Collection scandal, now finds herself enmeshed in another ridiculous and kind of wonderful lawsuit. From US Weekly:
A flight attendant on Oprah Winfrey's private jet filed a lawsuit Friday denying allegations that she had sex on board.
In the suit, Corrine Gehrls, 39, claims that fellow flight attendants Myron Gooch and Kirby Bumpus -- who is the daughter of Winfrey's best friend Gayle King and is Winfrey's goddaughter -- made the accusation that caused her to be fired.
The lawsuit claims that Gooch made the accusation -- that Gehrls engaged in intercourse with chief pilot Terry Pansing, 57, during a flight in which the talk show host and other passengers slept "following their ingestion of sleeping pills" -- after Pansing reportedly complained about his work schedule and demanded that he stay in nicer hotels than the rest of the flight crew.
There is no way that this airtight lawsuit against Dr. Phil won't hold up in court. From People:
A woman has filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Dr. Phil McGraw, two producers and another doctor in what she alleges is a case of false imprisonment, practicing without a license, indecent exposure, battery, fraud and more.
Shirley Rae Dieu, 56, of Irvine, Calif., claims she was seeking therapy from Dr. Phil in his Hollywood office in 2007 when she allegedly was held captive and "forced to be in the same room with a completely live naked man while he exposed his entire naked body, genitals and all," according to her filing.
Nothing seems more likely than that a fraudulent blowhard TV doctor making millions of dollars would hold a woman involuntarily in his Hollywood office and forced to look at a man without any clothes on. IT SIMPLY MAKES THE MOST SENSE.
As you probably know, over the weekend, Roman Polanski was arrested in Switzerland on a decades old warrant for charges stemming from his 1977 sexual assault case. Did you see that documentary about him last year? It was really intense and confusing. I mean, what isn't confusing is that he gave a 13-year-old drugs and then he sodomized her. Very not confusing, that part. And what's also not confusing is that he spent almost no time in jail, and has continued to have an incredibly successful filmmaking career from Europe, where rich people still have access to mansions and champagne. But there were definitely some pretty weird extenuating circumstances (fame-obsessed mother, fame-obsessed judge) that muddle the issue. And it remains muddled! This morning on The View, Whoopi Goldberg apparently made reference to rape-rape? Like, as in one must qualify between Regular Rape, Classic Rape, and Rape-Rape, or something? Yikes, Whoopi Goldberg.
Anyway, the whole thing is such an extended nightmare that may or may not be on the verge of achieving closure. So, you can use the comments thread on this post to write your thoughts and feelings about a controversial and horrifying reminder of how the world is a confusing and scary and dangerous and mean place. OR, you can use the comments thread on this post to post pictures of cute kittens. The choice, although it may seem obvious, IS YOURS!
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