First off, you're going to want to start with one completely over-inflated sense of self-importance that allows for the belief that you should show people how to cook something for some reason even though you don't need to do that at all and probably shouldn't, thickly glazed with your practiced air of faux-populism as if you were not born to a famous actress and a highly successful producer, raised in Hollywood and private boarding schools, before yourself becoming a famous movie actress (or "actor," as you would probably say), who then married a rock star and named her first child Apple.
Gabe And Max are back with their sixth Guide To Man Style for Details Magazine, and it's their deepest (and actually sort of dark!) one yet. It's also my favorite. We're learning so much about our hapless characters, like how much Gabe hates women, and how much Max values Gabe's best friendship. Just one warning, though: you might want to eat breakfast and not be hungover before the calamari bloomin' onions scene.
In the latest Guide To Man Style from comedy duo Gabe And Max (Full disclosure: Gabe works here. JK, duh.) the guys give advice to new fathers using their doll-baby, Dolph, like how to feed the baby, how to clean the baby, and how to buy your baby the best chain wallet.
Red Bull baby bottles! I hate to bring the room down, but they actually have those Red Bull baby bottles in parts of Appalachia, but with Mountain Dew. It was on 20/20! Is Gabe And Max's Guide To Man Style actually incisive underground social commentary about how our health care system has failed the rural poor? (JK, no, duh.)
The funniest thing about this "princess party" instructional video is the narrator-guy's laugh. Also, Gwendolyn the fairy seems kind of tipsy, and when she opens the door of wishes and dreams, what appears doesn't not look like a vagina:
Gwendolyn sounds exactly like Samantha from Sex And The City. (Via Everything Is Terrible, who did a great job with the narrator's laugh.)
This is not the way any dude has ever lost his virginity, or come close to losing his virginity, ever in the history of the world:
At first you think you're being preached to, and then it turns into hard core Rock 'N Roll with statistics to back up its message! My favorite part is when the guy takes the condom from the girl and stares at it and smiles. Foreplay! (Via Everything Is Terrible.)
A completely reasonable and sane-sounding Christian woman named Roni wrote to Pat Robertson this week with a question about how to find middle ground with her atheist fiance, and Pat Robertson delivers the bad news while somehow managing to imply that she's also a slut:
That's a dealbreaker, ladies! What did "Roni" expect? (There is no Roni.) This is basically Pat Robertson's version of Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers's "Really? segment on Weekend Update. At the end he goes "What? Alriiight" like "Can we have a fucking real question, here?" (And also a little like "What were we talking about? I have dementia.")
Put away that bottle of Jolt Chest Hair Grower, and stop carrying around tampons that you yet to have a use for. The older version of yourself is here to tell you you are totally going to grow up to be cool! (Or "cool"). Thumbs up for inappropriate erections!:
Bonus: dancing around with the puberty teacher at the end. The only thing that would make this better is if it were Christian. (The Christian puberty book they gave me, for example, contained the 7th-grade-legendary, highly quotable line "What a miracle of God the scrotum and testicles are!") We can all laugh now because it's over. (Via Everything Is Terrible.)
Someone is (probably) benefiting from Swine Flu fears: the makers of workplace educational videos meant to reduce employee sickness, featuring 8 different "coughing strategies" demonstrated by a hulking actor. The answer to all of this seems to just be "Purell":
Employers can buy a VHS of this video for just $30! Because that's how the internet works. Thanks to Jessica for the tip!
Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...
I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
