I'm beginning to think maybe nothing actually happens in the Sex And The City movie and that all my spoiler-begging is for naught. For instance, despite the opinions of two bloggers I adore and whose hair I want to braid, this is not a spoiler and this is not a spoiler. There is still that one major plot point that no news outlet will "ruin" that I'm starting to believe might not exist. Just look at the Google results for "I saw the Sex And The City movie." Lame! Could it really be that, like the show, little unimportant things (or things we already know about from the trailer and promotion) just happen one by one like cresting waves that Carrie can't help but wonder about? And do I really have to sit through 2.5 hours of something long and hard and full of nothing happening? And can men and women really be friends? When someone is ready to really spoil the movie for real, if that's even possible, email me. Until then I remain as disappointed as someone who got broken up with via post it note and only knows three SATC references.
Do you trust a glowing review of the Sex And The City movie from someone who says this:
And then there's the other character: the clothes. Not since Robert Altman's "Dr. T. and the Women" have I seen such outrageous get-ups on screen.
No good sentence starts with "Not since Dr. T And The Women." It's nice to see someone remembers that movie, though, because I was about to suggest it to Gabe for Worst Movie Of All Time. Anyway, there are technically spoilers in the review, but it's hardly spoilerrific or even spoilocre. Roger says he can't reveal a "pivotal plot point," but I've read between the lines. Spoilers and my EXPANDED master prediction after the jump. (Note: unlike yesterday's "leaked" clips tease, there are actual spoilers here. Especially if my prediction is right!)
Via Defamer, there are six clips on Blackfilm.com from Sex And The City: The Movie, but we can all use our Sherlock-like powers of deduction to conclude beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no way these were actually "leaked" without permission. Why? Because they contain no actual plot details other than things like "Carrie keeps sweaters in her stove." and "Nobody on this show likes Brooklyn." And that is not how the internet works. But here they are anyway. No spoiler alert.
Last night I watched Death Sentence. Shame on me. Actually, shame on Ricky first, for telling me to watch it, and then shame on me for doing so. If you haven't seen it, Death Sentence is a vengeance movie starring Kevin Bacon and directed by James Wan, who also gave the world Saw. James Wan is your boyfriend. Anyway, the basic story is that Kevin Bacon's son gets killed right in front of him in a "gang initiation murder" at a gas station. Oh, btw, he gets killed WITH A MACHETE. Instead of pressing charges, Bacon decides to take matters into his own hands (the only respectable thing about this movie) but it turns out the guy who killed his son, who he kills, is the younger brother of the gang's leader, so that starts a war with the gang. Right. Totally. It's basically what you read about in the paper every day but are TOO BLINDED by your MIDDLE CLASS existence to see, SHEEPLE.
Everything about this movie is ridiculous. For example, Kevin Bacon is a family man who works as the VP at some kind of investment firm, but it turns out he's also really good at close quarters combat. Like, at one point he's smashing a guy's face into a bar with one hand, and knocking someone unconscious with the other hand, which is wrapped in bandages. You know, dad stuff. He speaks really offensive colloquial Spanish all of a sudden when the movie's almost over but he needs some important information. He buys some guns but has to read the manual because he doesn't know how to use them, but as soon as he's done reading the manual HE'S SO GOOD AT GUNS. Did I mention that his son gets killed by a machete?
As part of their brilliant May Sweeps strategy, CBS had the writers from Two and a Half Men switch with the writers from CSI and write respective episodes for each show. Lindsay actually volunteered for Two and a Half Menduty, so I thought I had lucked out. Wow, no. Needless to say, it was definitely one of the worst episodes of CSI ever, but I'm also pretty sure they're going to keep the whole thing in a plexiglass display case in the Museum of Television and RadioPaley Center For Media with a commemorative plaque that says "The Day Television Ate Its Own Tail And Died Of Fart Poisoning." I'm pretty sure that's going to happen.
Unbelievable. You know that these shows are written by an entire staff of writers, right? Like, it's not just one guy. Just in case you thought it was one guy. Because if it was one guy, writing a show would be really hard. Sometimes you might have an off day. But with a whole staff of writers, there's a level of quality control. People can read something and say "you know what, let's change that line so it isn't the fucking worst line." At least, that's what would happen in theory. I don't know, I'm not a professional.
Yesterday, I began begging for actual plot details from the Sex And The City movie. If you've seen the movie, think of sending me spoilers anonymously as a form of protest against the fascist SATC press regime, which refuses to allow the movie to be seen in any kind of critical light (yet). I just think that if these people and this movie are going to be in our faces constantly, we should at least have the opinions of reasonable people and not just self-selected SATC groupie/zombies following every order Sarah Jessica Parker hands down to them. Especially with all the bad shit going down in the world right now, and the election, and the environment.
Hey gals, are you ready for a sneak peek at the Sex And The City movie? Well here it isn't, because it's becoming increasingly clear that all press for this movie (starting with Oprah) is going to involve carefully selected highly uncritical female reporters squealing at the show's stars about how much they loved the movie. (But don't worry, they won't say anything about it except that it's great! The clothes, my God, the clothes! The shoes, oh Jesus, the shoes!)
Surely someone out there exists who has seen the movie and is willing to spoil it for real. This is not a matter of National Security. I know the movie has been screened for reporters (and random bloggers) who signed things, but if you email me I will absolutely guarantee your anonymity. Because I really can't take an entire month of this:
Well, this is annoying: the team behind Sex And The City are packing up their rhyming dictionaries and bringing their insightful sociological study of how women really talk to Park Slope, the area of Brooklyn known for yuppies with strollers. It's being written by the writer/director of the 2006 film Gray Matters, who was presumably hired for her experience creating bad puns:
It's an hour-long dramady (sic), Kramer, who lives in Park Slope, told Page Six.
It takes place in Park Slope and Park Slope is one of the characters in it. Park Slope has so much juice, just like Manhattan. It's got a lot of pizzazz (sic) and energy.
I haven't heard the word "pizazz" since modern dance class in third grade, by "juice" I assume she means "organic juice boxes," I hope the Park Slope character is exactly like Kim Cattrall's Samantha, and I can't wait to hate-watch this. Update: a reader named Ricky points out that I forgot about the Pizazz viral video guy! Of course, duh, thanks, Ricky!
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