The fact that this video only has 400,000 views is as if only 400,000 people knew about the Holocaust. It's like George Santanaya said, "those who cannot learn from miserable Joe Pesci bullshit rap videos are doomed to repeat them." That's on his tombstone. And it will be on ours, too, if we're not more careful. NEVER FORGET. (Thanks for the tip, Glinner.)
Posted by Gabe at 4:30 PM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Fake Rap | Joe Pesci | Nightmares
Before I talk about last night's premiere of The Jeff Dunham Show on Comedy Central, I would first like to issue a couple of apologies. I'm sorry, Jay Leno, I was wrong. Your comedy is hackneyed, aggressively middlebrow, toothless, and focuses way too much on your expensive car collection, and your exit from the Tonight Show only to reclaim the 10PM slot was obnoxious. But you are the Louis C.K. of late night with the manners of Princess Grace compared to Jeff Dunham. And I'm sorry, Seth MacFarlane, I was wrong. Your TV shows are stupid, repetitive, poorly written, and insufferably scatalogical, and you yourself seem to be excessively arrogant and self-congratulatory, with terrible taste in leather jackets and hand tanning. But you are the thinking man's (pre-Soon-Yi) Woody Allen, blazing Mark Twainian paths of comedic invention compared to Jeff Dunham and his horror show of backwoods racist, homophobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic, shithead puppets.
If I had to sum up my feelings and reactions to The Jeff Dunham Show in a single sentence it would be FUCK THIS SHOW IN THE FACE UNTIL IT DIES. But I don't have to sum up my feelings and reactions to The Jeff Dunham Show in a single sentence. I can take as many sentences as I like. Here are some of them:
Continue reading The Jeff Dunham Show Is The Worst Thing In The Entire World...
Posted by Gabe at 12:52 PM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Assholes | Brooke Hogan | Homophobia | Jeff Dunham | Misogyny | Puppets | Racism | The Jeff Dunham Show
This week's episode opens with Kim shopping for children's clothes, and treating the saleswoman like garbage. OH, KIM, WILL YOUR NIGHTMARE EXISTENCE ON THIS MORTAL PLANE NEVER CEASE? Will someone please carry her wig to the top of Mount Doom in the heart of Mordor and DESTROY IT? It's one thing to drink a bottle of white wine for breakfast and belittle the foolish woman you pay to be your assistant, it's a whole other thing to go to the local Baby Sluts and boss some poor saleswoman around because you "don't have time" to shop. What are you so busy doing, Kim? Surely your daily FACE INJECTIONS can only take 20, 30 minutes tops. There is plenty of time to dress your child like a Thai prostitute. (White slavery starts in the home.)
Continue reading The Real Housewives Of Atlanta S02E09: Ladies, Start Your Faces!...
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Hate-Watching, Recaps
Tags: The Real Housewives Of Atlanta
No matter how bad things get in one's life, there is always the held-out hope that they will eventually get better. We all dutifully push our own shopping cart through the falling ash as we carry our personal fire to the proverbial coast. But there are certain larger truths about the world we live in with which we must come to some sort of peace. And one of those truths is that this world was not made for us. We can find our own tiny, enshadowed corners to curl up in, but outside of those resting places it is an endless nightmare. I'm not saying that Jay Leno's new 10PM talk show is an apocalyptic wasteland through which we have to trudge in the hopes of finding a lost world, but I am saying that Jay Leno's 10PM talk show represents the cannibalized hopes and gray-wash dreams of a ruined society.
It really is a terrible show!
Continue reading The Jay Leno Show Is Awful...
Posted by Gabe at 9:50 AM in Hate-Watching, Late Night, New TV Shows
Tags: Barack Obama | Jay Leno | Jay-Z | Jerry Seinfeld | Kanye West | Oprah | Rihanna | The Jay Leno Show | Yuck
Trailer for season 6 of The Hills, you guys:
It's hard to figure out what Kristin Cavallari says in the part that's bleeped out. "You [bleeped] with the wrong girl, dude." Hmmm. "You have devoted an unreasonable amount of your precious and limited life to being interested in the most vapid, insufferable, unwatchable, and also in addition to as well as with the wrong girl, dude." That's probably it. This show is Villard de Honnecourt's elusive perpetual motion machine. They just keep shoving shitty nightmares down the funnel at the top (this machine has a funnel at the top where the shitty nightmares go), and the empty-drama-blades churn them into a bloody froth of self-satisfied nonsense, which is then reduced over an open flame of lukewarm schadenfreude and funneled BACK into the machine, and so on, the same poop, back and forth, forever.
I have to admit that MTV ended this trailer with a funny clip. IS his majesty going to wear that ridiculous cowboy hat everywhere? Maybe the answer is inside this gun! "Gun, is he going to wear that ridiculous cowboy hat everywhere? What's that? You can't hear my question? Let me put you in my mouth and see if that is any bett[gunshot]"
Posted by Gabe at 9:30 AM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Audrina Patridge | Brody Jenner | Heidi Montag | Kristin Cavallari | Spencer Pratt | The Hills
Vampire Bill goes to see the Vampire Queen, who is played by Evan Rachel Wood. She is either a terrible actress, or a great actress who is using all of her talent to match the tone of this terrible show. I'm pretty sure it's the former, though. She is in the middle of eating. Bill is like "is now a bad time," and she says "there is no such thing as bad, and no such thing as time for that matter." She has a point. "Is now a bad time?" is a silly question for a vampire to ask another vampire. Unless, of course, Evan Rachel Wood had said "yes, because I am going to be late for my acting classes, I'm trying to get better at acting." If I was Evan Rachel Wood I would be mad, too, because you know the only reason they asked her to be on this show is because she used to fuck Marilyn Manson (i.e. she knows monsters). Either that, or Rose McGowan was unavailable. She has longer and thicker fangs (is what she said) than a lot of the other vampires, which I'm sure has something to do with her being a Vampire Queen. Alan Ball and his friends probably had like 10 meetings about what a Vampire Queen's fangs should look like. Next time they should take that time to find a better actress than Evan Rachel Wood. I'm sorry, she was just really bad.
Continue reading True Blood: This Show Would Be Off The Rails, If It'd Had Any In The First Place...
Posted by Gabe at 12:00 PM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
At a certain point this season, I was momentarily won over by this show. I'm not afraid to admit that. It was just as ridiculous as always, but there was something endearing in how bad it was. You wanted to pat everyone on the back and congratulate them for trying their best. Everyone is a winner! The show also seemed to be indulging and reveling in its campiness in a way that the first season didn't. The first season was very "Alan Ball Presents." In the publicity run up to season 2, I heard an interview with Ball on Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and he talked at length and with little-to-no humor or self-awareness about the search for the right consistency of fake blood. Relax, Doctor Ball. Season 2, though, had loosened the reins on the gay rights metaphor, for one thing, and it had just stopped taking itself so seriously in general. But watching last night's episode I realized that maybe it stopped taking itself so seriously TOO MUCH. This show should take itself A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY.
(I had started categorizing True Blood recaps under "soap opera" but I have moved them back to their original categorization of "hate-watching.")
Continue reading True Blood: Stick A Fork In This, It's Dumb...
Posted by Gabe at 11:35 AM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
))<>(( • Somehow, they are getting worse.
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I went to see Where the Wild Things Are on Saturday, but it was sold out. Ay-ay-ay. That was a surprise! I mean, anticipation for this movie seemed pretty high, but anticipation for lots of movies seems high, especially when...
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