True Blood: Welcome Back To The Worst Show On Television
Oh wow. I'm not sure how they managed to pull it off, but the second season of True Blood looks like it's going to be EVEN WORSE than the first season, and the first season was VERY, VERY BAD. The plots are getting increasingly contrived (in a narrative world based on contrivences) with all kinds of monsters all over the place, and hammy melodramatic relationships, and even the accents are somehow worse! The accents that were already so bad! Every time Andy Bellefleur was on-screen last night acting "drunk" I wanted to put my TV in jail. And I don't remember Vampire Bill talking like a Second City Improv Troupe sketch about the Civil War. And Tara! Oh jeez, TARA!
Anyway, so there is a dead body in Andy Bellefleur's car.
Is it Lafayette? No! It's the lady who gave Tara an exorcism and also was a cashier at a Duane Reade (or whatever). At least Lafayette is OK. Or is he?! Andy Bellefleur is so drunk. We know this because people keep saying "you are drunk" and he keeps shouting "no I'm not!" Classic drunk stuff. Pull it together Sabotka! Tara tells the police that she knew the lady who has had her heart ripped out of her chest so they bring her in for questioning, and Andy Bellefleur is so drunk and maybe he should go home! Go home and sign up for some Not Being So Bad at Acting and You Were So Great in The Wire What Happened classes. Tara's mom comes to the police station but also that mystery lady Marianne also comes to the police station, and Marianne tells Tara's mom that she is a bad mom and Tara gets into her convertible and they go back to her Tropical Fruit Emporium.
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill has that sassy new vampire teenager to deal with, so he shows her where the recycling goes. Tru Blood bottles go in the blue bin, and paper goes in the gray bin. Right. The sassy teenager vampire is so sassy and such a teenager. Sookie calls Bill and tells him she is going to be late because of the whole murder in the parking lot of Merlotte's thing, and Sassy Teenager Vampire sees Vampire Bill's cellphone and goes "ooh, can I have one of those?" Because she just turned into a vampire a week ago and that is why she doesn't know what a cellphone is? "No ye cannot, foul wraith," he says to her, or something like that, because of the Civil War, and long underwear. When Sookie finds out that Bill "turned" this girl into a vampire and that he was keeping a secret from her, she gets angry and leaves him. Oh boo hoo. I wish Sookie would get angry and leave this show.
Meanwhile, Jason is becoming a born-again-Vampire Hater. He is going to hate Vampires so much this season, for God. Bible camp!
Meanwhile, Sam used to know the Marianne lady when he was a teenager because one time he turned into a dog and tried to rob her house while he was naked and so she fucked him and he stole money from her draw after she was done vibrating. That is a totally normal and straight-forward sentence used to describe something that happened in this show. They really need to explain what this whole vibrating lady thing is about soon because my patience is stretching thin! Who does this show think it is, Lost? You drag your mysteries out for two episodes, tops, and then you wrap that shit up, True Blood. Anyway, Marianne seems to really want Tara to have a baby with this insufferable dude who is living in her house, or something, and when the butler tries to give them towels she slaps him and is like "NO ONE NEEDED TOWELS!" She comes to visit Sam at the bar and she is like "this isn't about you." Well what is it about? I HAVE WAITED A YEAR TO FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!
Meanwhile, Sookie and Vampire Bill make up. Of course. He fucks her, like kind of for real, on a bed covered in white crotchet and she gets blood all over everything. He kisses her while his mouth is filled with her blood, smearing her blood all over her face, and you know that's basically a metaphor for another thing that can happen during sex, and gross, True Blood. I know this isn't TV, it's HBO, but maybe it should just be TV, you know? Anyway, they get blood all over that white crotchet. It just seems careless. That is Vampire Bill's family's house from the Civil War (did you know he fought in the Civil War? Listen to the forced way he talks for a clue!) and it just seems careless to ruin it with stupid Sookie blood now.
Meanwhile, Lafayette is in the Saw basement chained to a Saw wheel, just like how we, the viewers, are trapped in the True Blood basement chained to the Ugh Wheel. He's trapped with the redneck from season one, which is why in the bumper to the episode they showed the only good part from the whole show which is when Lafayette asks "who ordered the cheeseburger with AIDS" and that guy gets killed but not before learning about tolerance. Aww! And the Saw wheel is in Vampire Eric's basement, and he has to take off his sweater or something and show that he is wearing a black tanktop so that we know it is him. "Black tank top? Oh that must be Eric." There's lots of screaming in this episode. Lafayette gets covered in redneck blood. He is scared.
Next week: Really? They didn't just cancel the show after this episode? Oh well.
Posted by Gabe at 11:15 AM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
the moral of this story: if you're a bigot who complains about AIDs-burgers, you'll get bitten in the taint.... by a vampire... dying his hair.
Score = 5
True Blood is a terrible television show. It is the television equivalent what would happen if Stephanie Meyer and Hitler had a child who became a television writer and then got both Michael Bay to produce and Ewe Boll to direct.
But now I remember why I watch it.
Score = -12
Score = 39
KP woud've done better
Score = 3
I dunno man I kinda loved it. Vomiting=funny.
Score = 7
Your picture just reminded me why GIFS are so great: They just go on and on and on. Don't stop that puking!
Score = 13
The best part is that last season Jason made sure ask for a magazine that was not boring in place of the church of the light pamphlet which caused him to join the church of the light. I also seek out the bigger churchier version of boring things that I hate.
Also, I already miss the Across the Universe V trip thing with the Mean Girls girl. Just saying
Score = 1
Me too! The gratuitous Lizzy Caplan nudity was pretty much the only thing I liked from the first season.
Score = 6
What about Anna Paquin's boobies?
Score = 4
us southerners are so proud of this show. It's like a mirror of our lives in the south. I mean, except it's on the TV. It's like a mirror on the TV full of metaphors (vampires).
(ugh)
Score = 6
I agree, I constantly find myself trying to make my already ridiculous accent even more over the top.
Score = 3
and how to make pecan pie with pudding
Score = 2
chocolate pecan pie with pudding. and all the sticks of butter.
Score = 2
True Blood: The Bataan Death March of television.
Score = 0
how could you forget to mention that when Eric appears, he is apparently HIGHLIGHTING HIS HAIR. He has foils in his hair! best detail ever.
Score = 13
I think he was touching up his roots. Apparently the giant blond viking vampire is not a natural blond. In other nit picks, I know your hair grows after you die [Shut up, science, I'm telling a joke], but I didn't think it grew for 1000 years after your death.
Score = 3
So, i googled "i hate trueblood, but i keep watching it" and this what came up. I cannot stand this show, but for some reason I keep watching it. I think I keep hoping that Anna Paquin will somehow miraculously save the show. Anna Paquin, who I used to think was attractive, but who now reminds me of dental floss and bad southern accents I imitate while drunk. The only real suspense generated by this show for me is wondering whether or not I will watch it next week...
Score = 10
lololol manj, saying dat things are "da worst" over and over again is sooo funnyj! true blood, you're da worst! seth macfarlane, you are da worst! republicans, you are da worst! lolololol!
Score = -23
Good comment. Very critical.
Score = 16
Da Cake Etur, is that you??!
Score = 2
There is no way it can be as bad as The United States of Tara. None. That show is the worst and will always be.
Score = 3
If Diablo Cody started writing for True Blood, however...
I mean at least Chris Offutt doesn't totally suck balls. And then tell everyone about how he totally sucked balls, for money, and doesn't that make him so edgy and cool and unique and all that et cetera.
Score = -4
My sister thinks this is the best show on Tv. Not her favourite but actually the best. I only watch it because she has the remote and she could probably beat me up if it came down to it. Makes more sense than Fringe though.
Score = 2
Gabe, I am so glad you are back with your take on True Blood! I've missed these posts. In fact, after suffering through the season 2 premiere, I was afraid I'd have to wait for a worse season 2 ep before you'd have some things to say. Sometimes I feel like the only sanity I can make out of this show is coming here.
In fact, I half expected a post on Anna Paquin's Golden Globe win (!?). Uh, Foreign Press, please do not encourage her. How will she ever realize she cannot act if you reward her for her work in True Blood? I was shocked -- I tell you, SHOCKED -- to learn Paquin has no formal acting training.
The vampire-as-metaphor continues to bewilder in True Blood. Eric has humans who've wronged vamps shackled in his dungeon? Okay. So basically, the metaphor Ball and Co. are going for is that all the stereotypes about marginalized groups are...true? Or worse than you thought? Yeesh.
Looking forward to hate-watching this season along with y'all.
Score = 2
"Your motivation is paper cut." New theme in vampire movies?
Score = 6
Not that I think this show is improved by a deeper analysis of, well, anything about it, but what was with the papercut, too? She cut herself badly, got blood on the envelope in the next scene (Significantly, based on the camera play), and then...nothing? Do I have to wait for the DVD extras to find out why? Or was I just not paying enough attention at the time and missed something?
Score = 0
It was blood money. Bartlett abused Sookie. Her skin was cut. She was hurt by him, hurt by the cardboard box. He leaves her money out of guilt. Her blood gets on the envelope. Bloooood money.
Score = 1
Sign that show has failed to capture my interest: when I think "No way that blood is going to come out of Grandma's white bedspread" during a rather elaborate love scene.
Glad I am not alone.
Score = 7
leastways the show is far far better than the wretched source material...
Score = 0
OH Admiral Helena Cain - that halter is definitely not Colonial Fleet standard issue. And stop hoarding all the fruit on Pegasus!
BSG jokes are still cool, right guys?
Score = 2
At first I watched just to see if I liked it, I kept telling myself just one more episode...then after investing the time I couldn't let go of my time investment I had to know how all the plot threads turned out. I feel like one of those people that only smokes crack when they drink and one day they wake up and are turning tricks to pay for their crack habit.
Score = 4
NOBODY NEEDED TOWELZ!
Score = 6
Damn it Gabe you were right. This may have been the worst Season 2 premiere since Heroes. Still going to watch it though, like I do Heroes, because I am scared of change unless Obama tells me it is changeable. That or it is the summer time and what the hell else is supposed to fill up my DVR?
Score = 2
the best part of this show (which i have just started watching in hopes of catching up for exciting bitter gabe recaps) has to be stephen moyer's bunny teeth that he's always trying to hide. somehing so funny about a brooding vampire with silly large front teeth that make him look so goofy and lovable, awww bunnicula.
Score = 2
Anna P. could eat corn through a picket fence.
Score = 3
welcome my dear to getting going to this
Score = 0
Well you know what I never liked Lost so know what I did? I didn't watch it!
Score = -1
You just said "you know what" twice in one sentence in one sentence.
Score = 1
True Blood is fucking awesome. You're just lame. Lame people generally don't understand cool shit.
Score = 1
I'm going to emphatically agree with this person. What the fuck are you people on? True Blood and United States of Tara are the worst shows on television? Easily, my top two favorite shows on television right now. For ever time some (this includes you Gabe) bad mouths this show, I want you to suggest a better show in its place. Bet you can't. Seriously, most creative, innovative shows on television. Period.
Score = 0
who the hell are you people?! true blood is a great show - based on a series of books. if you're gonna bash anything it should be the books. but idiots like you are probably too stupid to read...
Score = 0