True Blood: Vampires Be Shoppin'!
Vampire Eric ate that redneck. He screamed a lot and he ate him. For us, this is a gruesome scary murder, down in the Saw basement, but for Vampire Eric it is a snack, right? What's with all the screaming? Just have your snack. He asks Lafayette if there is any blood in his hair. You mean food? You mean is there any food in your hair. There is food in his hair. Pam is going to kill him. But he's already dead! That's one of those classic Vampire jokes that they tell each other. "I'm going to kill you." Lots Of Love. Vampire Eric takes Lafayette upstairs to find out what he knows. He wants to ask him about that gay vampire that Jason Stackhouse's horrible girlfriend killed last season. He also wants to ask him about some vampire in Dallas, Texas. Lafayette does his best, but soon it is back to the Saw basement for you, Lafayette. He doesn't want to go! Too bad! Vampires are such jerks!
Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse is on his way to vampire bible camp. On the bus he meets Luke. They are going to bunk together and make s'mores and hate vampires and give each other handjobs and everything. It's going to be the best summer of their livez. Except that Luke is almost instantaneously jealous of Jason because the camp leaders seem to have picked him as their favorite and Luke wants to be their favorite. They play full-contact Capture the Flag and Luke is like BAM and smashes six of Jason's vertebrae on the ground. So Jason takes his shirt off and is like NO SHIRT POWER! And he wins the game and later he almost murders the lady wife of the anti-vampire church leader with a broken flagppole which is why she wants to fuck him, you can just tell, and Luke is like "Tomorrow I am going to rape you."
Back in the Saw dungeon, Lafayette notices a gleaming hip replacement sticking out of the bloody severed leg of that redneck? He was like 28 years old, why did he have a hip replacement? I'm willing to accept vampires are real, but I am not willing to accept that a 28-year-old redneck from the Louisiana swamps has a hip replacement. In any case, Lafayette is going to get that hip replacement! He will stick his hands all up in them gutz to get it. He gets it! And he uses it to break free from his chainz. He stands up now that he is free and it is like, um, seriously True Blood? SERIOUSLY?
True Amistad! Lafayette almost escapes, but then a lady shoots him in the leg because Vampire Eric told her to keep a special eye on the "faggot drag queen in the basement." He is caught again! Vampire Eric comes back from his trip to the mall and Lafayette asks him to turn him into a vampire. He explains that he would be a hot, badass vampire, because apparently Lafayette reads the True Blood superfan message boards. His dialog is an almost direct quote from user gandalf_69 who said "Plz turn Lafayette in2 a vampire that wud b so hottt." Eric says he will take it under advisement, and then him and his vampire friends eat Lafayette. He's totally going to be a vampire. No duh.
Also, I don't know if I've ever noticed this before, but I (lots of) love that there is a photo booth in the vampire bar.
Smart. Those are fun for everyone.
Meanwhile, Marianne finally reveals her secret magic power: she can instantaneously start a dance party where before there was no dance party. She can also eat like she's Takeru Kobayashi. Sam is like "I want you to stop throwing dance parties in my restaurant," and she is like "Poof, you're a dog." You know, the Sam turning into a dog thing was already ridiculous last season, but it might have never been more ridiculous than it was last night when he was a dog in a man's shirt, sitting in his office at his restaurant, getting a talking to from the magic shifter lady dance party magic and the Da Vinci Code thoughts.
Oh right, Jessica. She is a new vampire so she has problems with impulse control. Sookie is like "remind me how that's different from being a teenage girl," and I'm like "remind Sookie how she's the worst." Jessica is about to kill her whole family but Bill gets there just in time ("Sorry, I was at the mall!"). Kind of. Just in time for what? I don't care! Kill all of them! This show can't seriously think that I care whether or not Jessica eats her whole family's faces off. Do it. Whatever! I'll be over here, washing my eyes out with soap. This show.
Posted by Gabe at 11:30 AM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood | Vampires
This show is actually so terrible that it can even drag down Gabe's awesome re-caps. DAMN YOU TRUE BLOOOOOODDDDDDD!
Score = -1
I know that Women's Lib 101 taught me that rape eyes are never appropriate, but that impressive display of no shirt power is the exception to the rule. And by "display of no shirt power," I mean that man's fuck me handles.
Score = 5
or, as they are often called, cum gutters.
Score = 1
Potato, potahto.
Score = 0
So basically, Alan Ball has gay rapin' on the brain, is my takeaway.
You're still not tricking me into watching.
Score = 1
Yikes, that really reads like the presence of gay rape would be a big draw for me. I blame hasty writing and, of course, the new Monsters' Ball feature. Also, society.
Score = 9
"remind Sookie how she's the worst."
A+
Score = 0
The vampire bar has a photo booth, even though vampires don't appear in photos? The vampire show doesn't even get vampires right? This is why I don't watch television shows unless they feature a Jew behind a desk.
Score = 3
Actually Vampire Bill debunked that myth last season. Oh lawdy, I hate myself for knowing that. As for this season, I wish you all the best of luck with the rest of the episodes, but I'm done with this. Very done!
Score = 2
my sister and i were shouting "give us free" every time lafayette in chains showed up because.... really????
Score = 4
My friends watch this garbage, the same ones who turned me on to The Wire. Really kind of throws everything into question. Oh, Gary Glitter you're the perfect husband because I love your glam-rockin' anthems -- what's that? -- you're a pedophile? No way!
It's gross.
But! The world needed a new "I drink your milkshake" and I think "Sookie is mine!" kind of fits that bill.
Score = 3
Best analogy ever, if only because it equates The Wire to a sweet glam-rockin anthem. (Plus, Gary Glitter, Never Forget!)
Score = 6
This is a slow time for tv watching. This is only thing on.
Score = 0
It's really not, but that's a nice thing to tell yourself. I rationalize tuning in by saying True Blood is the only thing that keeps me lol-ing in these hard recession times.
Score = 1
Gabe, will you please just fuck this show and get it over with.
Score = 6
that witch making everyone horny and dancing had to be the gayest thing since that flash mob on weeds 2 episodes ago
Score = 5
that second screen cap, out of context, is totally Vampire Eric's First Bowl of Spaghetti-Os
Score = 11
To be honest, the worst crime of this episode was that Vampire Bill was going to buy his teenage daughter some cheap-ass Forever21 clothes to make her look less like a hooker. Very classy, Bill, I hope there's a Wet Seal nearby too.
Score = 7
forever 21 is definitely "slattern" central. no petticoats and pinafores there.
Score = 2
Redneck guy explained last week about the hip replacement during some very long and boring exposition. You must have slipped into a "this show is the best" fugue state during that.
Score = 5
Of my many complaints with this show possibly the biggest is that people are like "Oh, these vampires are so sexy!" when no they are not. They are awful. They rip people apart with bare hands and feel no remorse. They have weird secret tribunals where they force people to kill teenage girls. They are sociopaths and I have learned the hard way (or maybe I just learned through common sense) that sociopaths are not sexy.
Score = -1
Um, people in suburban shopping malls are wearing shirts that say "Fangbanger" and those people need to stop.
Score = 6
i mean, i know its kinda your job and all, but i prefer to just not watch bad tv shows.
Score = 2
Not watching season two of this show is the greatest (worst) thing I ever didn't do. Thank you, Gabe.
Score = 0
WAIT!!! don't kill me. I HAVE A CONTACT.
HIS EMAIL IS PUSSYLOVER9@SHEMALE.COM.
Score = 11
Vampires aren't sociopaths. They aren't psychopaths. (Also, they are mythological so there is THAT.) The reason they aren't any of these things is because they aren't human.. Also, because they need human blood to survive, which makes them kind of above us on the food chain, and also because I guess they probably because whatever supernatural (fake) thing that makes them walk the night, also makes the hunger so overwhelming that even the most kindhearted person, once turned, will rip out a human beings spleen to survive.
Score = -3
Actually its not just human blood, at least that's what Anne Rice taught me when I was 15 years old and into the whole vampy lore...
Score = 1
Your ability to empathize with the vampires makes you the most human of all.
Score = 15
I don't know about this recap i don't know. doesn't have the same zing as the gossip girl ones. I don't think your heart is in it, Gabe. Anyway, hip replacement was explained in the last episode, he shattered his hip when his cousin attacked him for making out with the cousin's lady. photobooth explained, vampires can actually be seen in photos, it's a vampire made myth to help them stay "in the coffin" or whatever. and random, but eric was screaming while eating that guy because he accidentally bit into his metal hip and it hurt him.
Score = 3
it's almost as if this show VAAAAANTS TO SUUUUUCK! (you can't fire me from the internet because i quit the internet)
Score = 3
this show is actually hurting my relationship. I get so angry every sunday night when my boyfriend watches it that I pick fights over nothing. I have no idea how to proceed from here. I just really fucking despise true blood. I decided to start reading these reviews in an attempt to at least appreciate it for its unintentional comedy. so, gabe, accept this completely unfair pressure that is being forced on you.
Score = 2
I really enjoyed this recap. Make fun of me if you want, but I literally LOLed several times. Since I can't stop rubbernecking this awful show, I really appreciate Gabe's posts to actually make watching it entertaining.
Lafayette will not be interesting as a vamp, IMO. What made him the only character on the show worth watching will stink when all vamped out. Ugh, why don't showrunners know what to do? I've totally called it since last season and my quick dip into a fan board confirms: people are going to get really sick really fast of Jason's involvement with the religious cult.
Score = 1
Oh boy you guys, I just watched Generation Kill last week, and now watching Sgt Brad Colbert (awesome) play Vampire Eric (terrible) is almost physically painful. Not enough LOLs to make up for all the :(. Shut it down.
Score = 1
Oh Gabe, how could you have not pointed out the cheesiest pun of the episode? Bill & Eric were in a Forever 21...GENIUS COMEDIC GOLD!
Score = 5
This is the greatest show ever made. Someone tell me where to buy a fangbanger tshirt. Honestly, there really aren't any better shows. You complainers out there, it just doesn't fit in the same old predictable trends. You all love it, tip you waitress, sookie's mine, bleeeeeeeeh. Fangbanger's of the world unite!
Score = -1
They killed grandma!! THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS!!
Score = 1
Gabe, you missed the part where True Blood was being young and hip and 14. At about the 20 minute mark there is a shot of Merlotte's parking lot (because entertaining, obviously) and an old, red Chevy pickup pulls in. As an 87-year-old I assume this means nothing to you, but that car is THE car driven by Bella Swan from terrible book and even more terrible movie, Twilight. It's like watching a shitty vampire show reach out and hi-five a shitty vampire book/movie because they know no matter how shitty they are people will watch cuz vampires = sexy, duh. I would have LOVEDDDD to see Kristen Stewart dancing at that diner orgy though. There can never be enough brooding angst and awkward pauses.
Score = 0