Entourage: Ari Gold Is Not The Moral Compass Of Hollywood
Nice try, Entourage. Don't get me wrong, I was on the edge of my seat for the entire episode wondering whether or not E would GET IT WET. Seriously, I was so nervous for him, I was just covered in sweat. I mean, we knew that after the premiere of Martin Scorsese's Gatsby (ugh, every time), Turtle was going to GET IT WET with Jamie Lynn Sigler. And we don't even have to worry about Vince. Vince always GETS IT WET. (Fist bump.) Even Johnny Drama was pretty much guaranteed to GET IT WET last night with Kerry (probably spelled C'ari) from the suit store. I mean, she seemed like she didn't like Johnny Drama very much, but you could tell by the end of the night that Johnny Drama was DEFINITELY going to GET IT WET. But E? That was a real toss up! See, he's trying to get back together with Sloane (FINGERS CROSSED) but he had a real hot piece of underage CGI chipmunk face coming after him, which he should have just BANGED, like a MAN, instead of trying to have FEELINGS, and GET BACK TOGETHER WITH SOMEONE WHO HE CARED ABOUT. Shut up and fuck that little girl, E. This...is...Sparta!Entourage! The good news, of course, is that by the end credits we are pretty sure that E is going to GET IT WET. We don't see him GET IT WET, but it seems pretty clear that he is driving over to Pixar. Sorry, Sloane! Maybe E can GET IT WET with you another time. In fact, I'm sure of it. What else does he have to do? This show sucks.
But, nice try, Entourage, at pretending like Ari Gold was Hollywood's tenured Professor of Morals over here:
First:
And then this:
No.
It is season six of this show. We know by now that Ari Gold is a narcissistic garbage monster whose misogyny and homophobia serve his desire for increased money, power, and success. He wields sex as a weapon, against his wife, against his assistant, against his business partners. He verbally abuses everyone with borderline-proscecutable vitriolic hate-speech. Fair enough. But come on, Entourage. It is always so ridiculous when you attempt to humanize him. Even in this situation, the only reason he is upset about this dude's extra-marital affair instead of slapping him on the back with his over-tanned hands is because he thinks it will hurt him in the long run. Self-interested until the last. And he takes out his frustration by hate-criming Lloyd with increased intensity in his illegal forced-fast? Ugh. Fist bumps all around. Let's fist bump these guns into our mouths.
Previously: Entourage: Ari Gold Is Not A Very Good Father
Posted by Gabe at 12:30 PM in Hate-Watching
Tags: Adrian Grenier | Entourage | Jeremy Piven | Jerry Ferrara | Kevin Connolly | Kevin Dillon
I'm still waiting for the plot line where the boys get a little too drunk in that house they all share: brojobs all around.
Seriously, if this show were real they could all share herpes medication at this point.
Score = 39
Brojobs! That's so good... "Brojobs" is now my new "touching peepees" (which was once my new "sausage fest"), thanks.
A flock of brotastic bros who for some reason are my facebook friends have joined a group called "Ari Gold is my fucking hero".
Score = 4
Apparently someone didn't read the 5 page (!) glossary of bro terms in last month's GQ. Woof.
Score = 7
Carles is taking GQ to the court after that for failing to mention his founding of the term.
I predict 'victory' for Carles.
Score = 6
Seth Macfarlane should do an Entourage Family Guy Episode. That would either be high art or the equivalent of crossing the streams in Ghostbusters.
Score = 37
They also made me watch this. :( x infinity
Score = 1
I'm fucking so glad it's your job to watch this and not mine. Srsly. This show is still on? Ugh. 'Get it wet.' OY gevay.
Score = 2
"Let's fist bump these guns into our mouths" should be Vince's next movie. He dies...one can hope...
Score = 1
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Gabe, I've been trying to avoid this steaming pile of bro-ness and here you go and PUT IT IN MY SIGHT SPACE. I feel dirty.
Score = 0
haha. those get it wet lines were great.
Score = -2
Gabe, it's just fantasy for dudes, let it go. You seem much angrier since Lindsey left.
Score = -26
No, this show is fantasy for PRICKS.
Score = 13
Yes, but I believe that is Mr. Brady at the table, gettin' it wet. All forgiven.
Score = 1
When did Videogum hire An American Patriot to write content?
Score = 23
Oh man, if only!
Score = 9
I think Gabe exposed himself as the man behind American Patriot. Entourage will do that to a secret identity.
Score = 4
Haha. Why am I being downvoted? Did everyone forget their joke goggles at home? We are all a bunch of delicate flowers today.
Score = 10
I upvoted you. Maybe everyone else is just all :( because of him "quitting" and then putting up a website for his book. Or. Whatever.
Score = 3
Next week: Vince, the horrible driver who passed his driving test because bribes, will be driving RACE CARS! That is a great idea. Let's cross our fingers and hope that he crashes and either dies, gets paralyzed or goes Ricky Bobby-style crazy! That would make the show very interesting, and by very interesting I mean schadenfreude. GET PUMPED!
Score = 2
Taylor Townsend is in this show? I might have to start watching this show.
Score = 8
So was Anna Stern. I miss...
Score = 1
i know! because The O.C. season 4! alternatively, instead of an exclamation point there, i could have used one of these :(
Score = 1
This show is a wet diaper full of :( 's and no one wants to change it. Also, I don't know if anyone has bothered to watch "Hung", but its also horrible. I hate TV. When is that Joel McHale sitcom coming on?
Score = 3
Was that Creepy Chan that E fucked?
Score = -1
I know that this show is sexist, materialistic and shallow. I know that the majority of the plot lines are lame and predictable. I know that is the same shit over and over. I know that this is an entirely unpopular opinion, but i actually still like this show. When they are rich and running around like assholes, its fun for me to watch. And i don't mean in like an ironic "wow those are terrible human beings" type of way. I mean in the regular way. I guess its just good fantasy. Like watching porn. I don't actually want to be involved in an 8 on 8 freakfest, but i'll watch in the safety of my own house on a sunday night.
Score = 11
I, to an extent, agree, but I'm not sure how much. I hate Entourage. I want to hate-skull-fuck Entourage, but therein lies the rub: I'll still be fucking entourage. I'll never miss a minute of it, but I know it all sucks. This is what heroine is like, right?
Score = 2
seriously gabe, stop trashing this show when you obviously love it. i hate nickelback, but im not going to follow their tour to prove a point on a comedy site. yes, i enjoy entourage. no, i dont live or encourage the life of the protagonists, but i just enjoy the show. its a fun show. sure, the arcs may be absurd, but its a t.v. show. deal with it. i dont care that you hate the show, im just annoyed by your almost weekly rant about how terrible it is when you watch every episode. it reminds me of the guy who tells all of his platonic girlfriends how the hot, but slutty, girls are not at all attractive. let it go. nobody will strip you of your blogger cred if you cop to admitting your love for this show.
Score = -4
all of that GET IT WET made me a little nauseous.
Score = 1
"uhh...Lumbergh fucked her" anyone?
Score = 3
I know Ari is a prick, but he's supposed to be. He's probably one of the best characters on television. It's like my grandmother not liking Seinfeld because they're all "such bad people." Really?
Score = 0
You're all just jealous.
I.
LIVE.
THIS LIFE.
Score = 0
CGI chipmunk! ha.
Classic Gabe.
Score = 0