I was casually flipping through Variety this morning over a classic Hollywood breakfast of half a grapefruit, some cottage cheese, and a cocaine-and-egg-white omelet (no, I wasn't!) when I happened upon this bit of BREAKING news:
An auction is set for January for Halcyon Co. to sell the rights to future "Terminator" pics, TV series, DVDs and merchandise as part of its bankruptcy process.
Ay-ay-ay! You guys! This is our ticket out of this DUMP! If we all pool our money, I'm sure we could buy the rights to the Terminator franchise (I am not entirely sure of that) and then we would all live together in a Beverly Hills mansion, just like a family. Just like in Ken Burns's Entourage! Let's do the numbers:
"Terminator Salvation," the fourth film in the franchise, carried a production pricetag of about $200 million and took in $371 million worldwide.
Bear in mind, Terminator Salvationwas awful. Now, I've done some number-crunching (no I haven't) on my TI-85, and a $371 million return on a $200 million investment is over 14,000 percent profit! Probably!
Now, we're going to need a strong pitch if we're going to beat out the Hollywood Fat Cats who we'll be competing against for this. They'll have their fancy solid-gold sportscars and their money-shaped hot tubs with built in champagne holders, but we can beat them on heart. Here are a couple of ideas for the new direction of Terminator:
This is a photo of James Gandolfini taken over the weekend, and it is the best. Look at him! With his big fat belly and his sloppy Homer Simpson mask. Why doesn't it have a mouth? Hahaha. James Gandolfini is a millionaire and he is going to murder you!
Seriously, this is a great costume (yes, I am using the term "costume" very loosely) but if you walked into your house and someone was standing in the living room wearing this mask, you would shit your pants. This is what The Strangers would have worn, if The Strangers had had a big enough budget to clear the rights. Although, to be fair, if you walked into your house and it was James Gandolfini standing in the living room wearing this mask, you would double-shit your pants. So let's get off of The Strangers, because I just got off yours (HUH?).
James Gandolfini, though. One of the best dudes! Kanye West wrote the song "Can't Tell Me Nothin'" about him (no he didn't). Oh man, what is this post? A love letter? I LOVE YOU DAD! (Photo via Dlisted.)
Look, my reasons for disliking Jeff Dunham are clear. For the most part, it has less to do with the whole ventriloquism being an antiquated and not particularly funny "art form" thing, and almost everything to do with his unapologetic use of hate speech against gays, blacks, Jews, and women thing. But some people are probably saying, "Hey, I get it, Jeff Dunham is a hate-monger. But I love puppets and I love laughing at ventriloquism. Personally I find it to be as vibrant and compelling as ever. I also make my own butter." Well, for those of you, might I offer a choir performing a Beatles cover using their ventriloquist dummies on Hungarian television?
Wait, Global Hand Washing Day was YESTERDAY?! How could we have missed it?! I would totally have washed my hands at some point yesterday, if only I had known. You would think that the traditional Global Hand Washing Day Dance would have helped remind us better.
Doot-de-doot-de-doot-de-doo, says the magical soap hand cloud drop man! (LOOK OUT, SNIPER FIRE!)
Goddamned Bubble Boy. This is his fault. First he caused the international economic collapse, then he hid in the attic "for the show," and now this. WELL DONE, BUBBLE BOY. Bubble Boy ruins everything. (Thanks for the tip, Jessica.)
I am completely on board with this. Because on the one hand, I hate world hunger. HATE IT! I know that's not a very popular thing to say around here, where everyone is so pro-world hunger it's ridiculous, you can't swing a baseball bat without Bear Jewing some pro-world hunger advocate in the scalp. But I hate world hunger. And I don't care about the Vatican. Like, if you were to make a list of everything in the world from things that I care about the most to things that I care about the least, the Vatican would certainly be in the bottom half of that list, and here are a few things that would be above it:
Honey-flavored candies
Ashlee Simpson
The well-being of people on the Atkins Diet
Ed Hardy Face Wash
I say we go for it. Let's put this super-realistic and completely reasonable suggestion from a renowned Poverty Scientist into action!
Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...
I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
