Friday Fight: Who Should Have Won American Idol According To Two People Who Don't Watch It

Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.

gabe: did you watch the american idol finale?
lindsay: No
gabe: me neither
lindsay: who won?
gabe: david cook.
lindsay: boo! archuleta should have won!
gabe: no way, david cook totally deserved to win
gabe: did you hear him sing?
lindsay: no.
gabe: me neither. but I like winners. Do you even know anything about david archuleta?

lindsay: all I know about him is that he's young
lindsay: and his father. something is strange about his father.
gabe: that doesn't make you a good singer
gabe: i think
gabe: actually i don't know
gabe: i can't sing
lindsay: Well maybe the pain he suffered from having a father that people said things about
gabe: david cook suffered pain
gabe: like a ton of it
lindsay: caused him to be a better singer
gabe: david cook IS pain
gabe: david archuleta can't even play an instrument
gabe: i don't think
gabe: i have no way of knowing whether or not that is true
gabe: i have seen a picture of david cook holding a guitar
gabe: so, he's got a lot of talent
lindsay: Yes. You have me on that one.
lindsay: I have never seen a picture of David Archuleta holding an instrument demonstrating his talent
gabe: you probably just like archuleta because you want to kiss him
lindsay: I don't want to kiss a boy with daddy issues
lindsay: assuming that the weird or strange thing about his father involves him having issues
gabe: then you are a lesbian
becuase i'm pretty sure most boys have some sort of daddy issue
gabe: except david cook
gabe: who is a man
lindsay: there is a kickboxer named david archuleta:
lindsay: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Archuleta_%28kickboxer%29
lindsay: he should kickbox the other david archuleta
gabe: admittedly, while i whole-heartedly support david cook winning american idol
gabe: i think the kickboxer david archuleta is the real winner
lindsay: I think so too
gabe: he's got a pretty good record
gabe: 17-2-1
gabe: he could beat the shit out of your boyfriend
gabe: david cook, of course, would probably defend himself pretty well
gabe: in the octagon
lindsay: Yes, he could beat Kickboxer David Archuleta with his guitar
lindsay: because that is all he can probably do with it
lindsay: because he probably sucks
gabe: well there is no possible way of knowing
gabe: but i will tell you this
gabe: he won
gabe: and that is more than i can say for david archuleta
lindsay: (the singer)
gabe: if there's one thing i know about david archuleta
gabe: (the singer)
gabe: it's that he lost american idol
gabe: and there is only one thing that i know about him
lindsay: Oh! I remembered a thing. Someone said that David Archuleta (the singer) could sing the phone book.
lindsay: and still be good or make people cry or something like that
gabe: david cook wrote the phone book
lindsay: Then he's just the man behind the man who can cause some sort of feelings or emotion in others with his voice singing the phone book
gabe: if you look up david cook in the dictionary it's just a picture of a trophy and the word "deserved"
lindsay: if you look up david archuleta in the dictionary it's a picture of a really good kickboxer.
gabe: if you look up david archuleta in the dictionary it's a picture of you in jail
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: I think the fact that I haven't seen american idol and yet I know how to spell "archuleta" instinctively means that he's the greater singer.
gabe: what? no way
lindsay: he's better at leaving a mark on the mind of those he entertains
gabe: david cook
gabe: well, first of all, i always think instnatly of dane cook, my favorite comedian
gabe: so he's already got the association with greatness
gabe: and secondly, his name is so easy to spell
gabe: like my other hero
gabe: george bush
gabe: historical figures
gabe: david cook and george bush
gabe: FACT
lindsay: I have just looked up a picture of the two young men
lindsay: and Archuleta has vastly superior hair

gabe: but that's the only hair on his body
gabe: he's five years old
lindsay: hahaha
gabe: david cook's hair is made out of talent
gabe: his body actually prodcues a talent protein
lindsay: and then he puts gel on the talent and glues it to his face just so
gabe: HEY
gabe: NOT COOL
lindsay: thus neutralizing it and giving the point to archuleta
gabe: it looks like david archuleta just got back from a business meeting at a safari
lindsay: He did. With the presidents of every major label who all want to sign him
lindsay: because he's so good
lindsay: and then he didn't have time to change but he knew that his song would shine through
gabe: when david cook goes to bed at night, he releases five albums of new material in REM sleep
lindsay: but pitchfork gives them all a 0.0
gabe: when david archuleta goes to sleep at night
gabe: it's in a race car bed
lindsay: The race car bed that gives him the strength to sing out and make his song heard
gabe: i heard that david cook was so good that they're ending american idol
gabe: this was the last season
gabe: becuase he will never be topped
lindsay: No, they are ending it because they realized they can't trust the american people to choose the correct David.
gabe: as long as they're ending it
lindsay: 5/22/08
lindsay: never forget
gabe: what is that date?
gabe: archuleta's 12th birhtday?
lindsay: David Cook is too old.
lindsay: He's the John McCain
gabe: then archuleta
gabe: is the hillary clinton
lindsay: girl power!

C U NEXT TUESDAY.

Posted by Gabe at 3:32 PM in Friday Fight
Tags: American Idol | David Archuleta | David Cook | Paula Abdul | Randy Jackson | Simon Cowell

11 Comments

Haaah. You guys should very frequently argue about things you know nothing about. It is great.

Posted by: Max Silvestri at 05/23/08 4:14 PM | Reply
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I agree. This was really great.

Posted by: epg in reply to Max Silvestri's comment at 05/23/08 4:22 PM | Reply
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I third Max's emotion. This was the David Archuleta (the kickboxer) of Friday Fights.

Posted by: mtobey  in reply to Max Silvestri's comment at 05/23/08 4:43 PM | Reply
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Dane Cook is not funny and people have no business calling him a comedian.

Posted by: Matthew at 05/23/08 4:45 PM | Reply
Score = 1

I will accept this just as long as we agree that George Bush is a hero and everything that is put into words is always true.

Posted by: Gabe  in reply to Matthew's comment at 05/23/08 5:55 PM | Reply
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i will agree that George Bush is a real American Hero (not unlike the G.I. Joe team).

Posted by: Matthew  in reply to Gabe's comment at 05/23/08 8:27 PM | Reply
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I accept those terms with an asterisk stating that Nicholas Cage be declared greatest actor ever and given every starring role in every movie from here on out.

Posted by: Colin  in reply to Gabe's comment at 05/23/08 9:06 PM | Reply
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You guys could also have watched the finale then blogged about that. Everyone is fired.

Send resumes to scott@americanidolgum.ru

Posted by: Scott at 05/23/08 5:01 PM | Reply
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Are we talking about Dane Cook, powerhouse dramatic actor from the Oscar nominated Mr. Brooks?

Posted by: thefaintingcycle at 05/23/08 5:37 PM | Reply
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This is better than ever having to actually watch American Idol. Bravo!

Posted by: Jessica Rae at 05/25/08 2:57 PM | Reply
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This was wonderful. As someone who halfheartedly watched American Idol, I think your analysis is dead-on.

Posted by: Michelle at 05/27/08 6:58 AM | Reply
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