Friday Fight: What Kind Of Cake Should We Get Woody Allen For His Retirement?
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
gabe: what kind of cake should we buy woody allen for his retirement?
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: One of those boobie cakes.
gabe: what?
gabe: THIS IS A HERO'S FAREWELL
gabe: this is not your sister-in-law's bridal shower
gabe: SHOW SOME RESPECT
gabe: you know what a booby cake says?
gabe: A booby cake says "I keep my work shoes in the bottom drawer of my desk, and i am thinking about getting another cat so Pumpkers isn't lonely"
gabe: also your cat is named Pumpkers
lindsay: I'm pretty sure Woody Allen likes boobies.
gabe: lindsay, everyone likes boobies
lindsay: But maybe mosquito bites would be better.
lindsay: GET IT
gabe: but only terrible people like booby cakes
lindsay: because he's attracted to girls who aren't developed yet!
lindsay: I didn't say I want a booby cake!
gabe: yes you did
gabe: you said "i want to get woody allen the type of cake i would like to receive"
gabe: "which is a booby cake"
gabe: "my favorite kind of cake"
lindsay: obviously, the cake should be black
lindsay: with white text
lindsay: obviously
gabe: ?
lindsay: because that's how all of his movies start?
lindsay: with the names listed in the same font
lindsay: do you know who woody allen is?
gabe: he would throw that cake in your face
gabe: and he would be right to do so
gabe: he has downplayed the opening credits in his films
gabe: in order to keep the focus on the films themselves
gabe: and you're going to put it on a cake?
gabe: WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?
gabe: we need a serious cake,
gabe: like an ice cream cake
gabe: something that says "you did it"
gabe: "but now goodbye"
gabe: eat this quick, before it melts!
gabe: no time to lose!
gabe: eat this cake!
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: poor woody allen
lindsay: he's the only person who thinks 20 year old girls are interesting, except themselves.
gabe: haha
lindsay: I remember watching his movies then and thinking "wow, he really sees me!"
gabe: well, to be fair
gabe: 20 year old girls are perfect foils for narcissists
gabe: it's like dating a heated mirror
gabe: (what?)
lindsay: haha, it makes sense if you think about it
gabe: obviously, his cake will be white
gabe: very very white
gabe: and KOSHER
gabe: ugh
gabe: the only person who writes hackier jokes about woody allen
gabe: IS WOODY ALLEN
lindsay: we have to have a joke about masturbation being "Sex with someone you love" because Woody Allen accidentally puts that joke in all his movies.
lindsay: And nobody says anything.
lindsay: "Just say the line. Just say it. It's Woody Allen. Say the line."
lindsay: the cake should have a picture of Kenneth Branagh as Woody from Celebrity
gabe: the cake should be covered in flop sweat
gabe: the cake should have a picture of itself on it
gabe: the cake should be served on A PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH
gabe: jesus christ
gabe: YOU HAVE BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF, MR. ALLEN
lindsay: he's that guy who stays at the party too long
gabe: right
gabe: just chatting up his step daughter
lindsay: even those of us who used to worship him are loudly washing dishes in our pajamas.
lindsay: turning on the vacuum in the middle of his sentence
gabe: you guys don't have to go to your wife's childhood home, but you can't stay here
lindsay: HAHAHAHAHA
lindsay: aren't the kids who got taken away because he put his fingers in their mouths or whatever like totally grown up now?
lindsay: Can't they speak?
gabe: WE'RE GONNA NEED A DARKER CAKE!
Posted by Lindsay at 5:35 PM in Friday Fight
Tags: Cake | Larry David | Whatever Works | Woody Allen
I dunno - Vicky Christina Barcelona was one of the best films of last year, and his best film of the last decade. Even if "Whatever Works" is mediocre, I'll take his mediocre stuff to the crap Hollywood churns out on a regular basis.
Score = 14
the real question is WHEN kind of cake should you buy woody allen??
no but seriously, he gets points forever for Manhattan and Annie Hall, and if you disagree I'll fight you. but lately, eurghhh. like, Match Point was so awful i'm still talking about how awful it was. it gave me sad diseases of the heart. why would you be like "hey, I made a really great movie called Crimes & Misdemeanors, I should probably make a new version of that except just painfully terrible."
Score = -3
These posts should be titled "Gabe yells at Lindsay".
Score = 40
Gabe Yells at Lindsay: Act I
Gabe: What about the rumored sequel to Brokeback Mountain?
Lindsay: That's weird, I haven't heard about that.
Gabe: No it's not weird lindsay, it's a monster fucking cloud of THE WORST WOOF WOOF!
Gabe: SHITBACK MOUNTAIN, SHITBACK MOUNTAIN!
Gabe: WOOF.
Score = 33
Relax, judasconstant?
Score = -4
Man you love that joke don't you. Its cool. I like it too. Relax technohlebtastic.
Score = 2
Lolyes, hlebtastic. TGIF.
Score = 1
Meant affectionally of course. (?)
Score = 5
Remember in Mean Girls when that one girl was trying to make "fetch" happen? Yeah, me too. I still like you though...and yeah, I know that much about Mean Girls.
Score = 6
K, RIP technojeremy. You made me lol while you lasted. Gonna buy a book of knock-knock jokes now.
Score = 9
writing unedited throw away copy that's dated in three days and forgotten is totally equal to writing and directing Annie Hall, Manhattan, Radio Days. You guys are right to throw woody out of your cool people's party. You'll never stay at that party too long. You rule. Do you think I totally see you, Lindsay?
Score = -18
Dear Humorless Drip Who Feels Compelled to Complain About the Things He (or maybe she, but so obviously a dude) Deliberately Consumes Even Though He Could Probably Tell A Few Lines in That It Probably Wasn't His Kind of Thing,
Never let go of your misplaced, self-satisfied anger. Someone's got to speak truth to the awful, monolithic power that is Lindsay 'n' Gabe.
Best,
The Guy You Almost Certainly Hushed at Barnes and Noble the Other Day, As If It's A Fucking Library.
Score = 26
actually, James, I was into it, for much longer than the first few lines. But then this horrible stench of self regard and self importance crept in which really turned my stomach -- and I felt I was participating in it. I mean, hey, Celebrity is a horrible film, Allen is capable of making bad films, very bad films, but he's also made some sublime ones, in his own very distinctive voice, and got studios to produce them. This is not easy. He's actually done something, made a contribution to culture, not just typed silly, intentionally sophomoric insults onto a webpage. I'm just saying, let's not confuse that with an accomplishment. People who do that really don't have the authority to throw Allen out of anything -- because they're not yet even at the party. I don't think we should confuse criticism, even well thought out, well written, edited criticism, with artistic creation. It all reminds me of the "academy of the overrated" discussion from Manhattan. And I only shushed you in Barnes n Noble the other day because you mumble audibly when you read. And you're a mouth breather. It's annoying!
Score = 5
Were you raped by jokes as a child? Because you sure seem to hate them.
Score = 11
well my persenel faverite is strwberry cake it s realy good espeshely when my mom makes it!
Score = 25
not your best work cake eatur
Score = 7
He's right tho, strawberry cake is really good
Score = 14
Ummm Johnny, he's Da Cake Eatur, I think he would know about cakes. Leave it to the professional.
Score = 40
We need to get you an agent and hopefully get a "Da Cake Eatur" movie in the works.
Score = 7
"Will Ferrell is... Da Cake Eatur."
(What? He's made all the other movies.)
Score = 13
thanx 4 fienelly ansuring me LOL!!1
Score = -1
His filmography can put it's fingers in my mouth. Woof.
Score = 2
Score = 18
English aside, that looks like a damn good cake.
Score = 6
my immediate thought was a pedobear cake.
Score = 4
I just don't fucking get his movies. They're pretty much all the same but with the fuckin backdrop changed. Congrats I guess? That last one of his was terrible. There, I fuckin said it. It was unaffecting and felt completely familiar. I mean, this shit isn't Space Buddies or some fuckin trash, but he ain't no golden god.
Score = -6
Here's your logic applied though: Take the Money and Run is the same as Hannah and Her Sisters with a different backdrop.
See that doesn't really work. :( :( :(
Score = 2
Matchpoint was a comedy right?
Score = 0
Given: Woody Allen has the capability to make moving, culturally important works of art. When he doesn't it seems extra sad. But it isn't just a Woody Allen movie, Larry David is in it! Surely Larry David wouldn't let this movie turn unfunny. Right? RIGHT?
I'm nervous. Bad southern accents make me nervous.
Score = 1