August 8, 2008

Friday Fight: Tom Cruise

Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.

lindsay: So Tropic Thunder Will Totally Revive Tom Cruise's Career And He Will Finally Win An Oscar
gabe: you're retarded
gabe: he's not going to win an oscar
gabe: you need to get serious
lindsay: people are saying that
gabe: people say lots of things
lindsay: So basically, every decade or so Tom Cruise is going to make himself look weird and say a lot of bad words and get nominated for an Oscar?
gabe: you are joking about this oscar stuff, right?
gabe: he's not getting nominated for an oscar for a cameo in a ben stiller movie
gabe: misplaced oscar buzz is the new rick rolling
gabe: misplaced oscar buzz is the blog equivalent of the 2000 election

lindsay: What is oscar buzz anyway? Who decides besides some dude at Entertainment Weekly?
lindsay: Who's always wrong?
gabe: but that's the whole point, he doesn't decide
gabe: he decides what to slap together quickly so he can get lunch
gabe: i'm pretty sure that Heath Ledger and Tom cruise
gabe: are going to be the only two actors nominated this year
gabe: and the best movie is going to be Superbad
gabe: "whoops, sorry we were so late on this."
gabe: we=Oscars
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: I would love to see Tom Cruises face when he lost to a picture of Heath Ledger.
lindsay: Though he's such an amazing actor
gabe: it wouldn't look any different
gabe: he has two faces
lindsay: he could probably pull it off
gabe: he has mouth closed face
gabe: and tooth face
gabe: those are his faces
lindsay: he would just stand up and clap.
lindsay: heartily
gabe: i don't think you have to be a great actor to clap for a posthumous oscar
gabe: i don't think tom cruise even cares about getting an oscar
gabe: does the ocean care about getting an oscar?
gabe: do the stars in the sky?
lindsay: Oh he cares!
lindsay: He SO cares
lindsay: He cares more than anyone in the world.
lindsay: Do not project your personal degree of reasonable perspective on Tom Cruise.
lindsay: Did you see his Oprah tour of his house?

lindsay: He's so proud of his awards and leather-bound movie scripts!
gabe: i'll let you take one guess at whether or not i saw Oprah's tour of Tom Cruise's house
lindsay: hahahaha
lindsay: YOU GOT ME.
gabe: i missed it, i was at the gun store
gabe: buying one bullet
gabe: i'm not saying that tom cruise doesn't have an entire wing of his house dedicated
gabe: to his oscar dreams
gabe: i'm just saying that at this point, he's post-famous
gabe: he's so famous that famous people think he's famous
gabe: and he lives on his own planet
gabe: Cruisepiter
lindsay: But an Oscar is the one thing he can't buy.
gabe: even that doesn't seem quite right
gabe: somehow i feel like tom cruise could buy one
lindsay: But after all the hype, the only real reason I want to see that movie is Tom Cruise
gabe: wait a second
lindsay: it's like they knew that so they just went all out
gabe: REVISIONIST HISTORY
gabe: we had a fight about how you thought it was going to be the funniest movie of all time
gabe: you are such a liar
lindsay: It looked funny in May. It was fresh then.
gabe: hahahah
gabe: lame
gabe: you are lame
lindsay: Nobody even cares about the blackface thing anymore
lindsay: pull your blog out of your ass
lindsay: it's like, some kids probably actually think robert downey jr is black

lindsay: it's been so long and so hyped
gabe: you are so intrinsically part of that hype machine
gabe: that you don't eve know who you are anymore
lindsay: I know
gabe: no, you are being weird about this
gabe: you are trying to win some kind of cool points
gabe: for being blase about this movie
gabe: that you've been most excited about
gabe: for months
gabe: and saying the only reaosn you'll see it is for tom cruise
gabe: that is a lie, and you are weird
lindsay: no, I do want to see it, but the main thing it seems like we haven't already seen is tom cruise
gabe: so after months of wanting to see it
gabe: because it looked funny
gabe: and becuase it had funny viral videos
lindsay: I feel like I have seen it
lindsay: JUST NOT THAT ONE PART
gabe: you are the reason the internet is horrible
that is waht I mean
gabe: you have the attention span of the worst youtube commenter
lindsay: FRIST!
gabe: i'm surprised you don't shout FIRST when you sit down
gabe: hahahaha
gabe: when you sit down at amovie theater
lindsay: Are you saying that there's a part of the movie you are more curious about than Tom Cruise?
gabe: i'm saying that acting like you're going to begrudingly go see the movie just because you want to see what is up with the tom cruise thing is a lie
gabe: and taht you are a liar
gabe: my main point is that you're a liar
gabe: and a youtube commenter
lindsay: That isn't true
gabe: and i would say that i'm not any more interested in that movie because of a tom cruise cameo
lindsay: I HAVE ALREADY SEEN THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
gabe: i'm as interested, which is mildly interested
gabe: you have not seen the entire movie
gabe: what are you even talking about?
lindsay: you keep calling me a liar
gabe: i don't think that this cameo is going to revitalize his career because i don't think his career was in any danger
lindsay: but tom cruise's cameo in tropic thunder will surely give him an oscar finally
lindsay: just look at this fat suit:
lindsay: http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/news/tom-cruise-suits-up.php
gabe: that's not even that big of a fat suit
lindsay: does it bug you a little that ben stiller and tom cruise are friends?
lindsay: it seems so wrong
gabe: but i don't think very highly of ben stiller
gabe: like you do
gabe: so it seems fine to me
gabe: it just seems like two arrogant dudes obsessed with their own mythologies, hangin' out

lindsay: No, I just can't believe that
lindsay: What do they talk about?
gabe: i don't know
gabe: what do any movie stars talk about?
gabe: probably snuff films
gabe: probably illegal snuff films that they have seen or own
lindsay: movie stars have the best secret snuff films
lindsay: like they have the best drugs
lindsay: and that's why they get addicted so often
lindsay: that and narcissism
lindsay: I don't actually believe they're friends because to be friends with TC you have to be a scientologist
gabe: how do you know what it takes to be friends with tom cruise?
gabe: he's got plenty of non-scientologist friends
gabe: that's why you're always reading stories about him trying gabe:to convert his friends
gabe:to scientology
gabe: THE BECKHAMS
lindsay: it's funny that every once in a while Tom tries to convince us he has a sense of humor about himself
gabe: yes
gabe: but always with ben stiller
gabe: he really only has ben stiller's sense of humor about himself
lindsay: Um, oops: NEVERMIND.