Friday Fight: Will Anyone Watch The Oscars?
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
gabe: do you care about the oscars?
lindsay: Actually, yeah.
gabe: see, that is the thing
lindsay: Not about who wins, but about the pageantry and the memories of being a kid and watching them.
gabe: people are talking about how this is going to be the least watched oscars in history
gabe: but i don't know why this one is that different
gabe: they all seem like this one to me
lindsay: It's like Christmas: you don't care what your presents are but Christmas morning is still really special to you.
gabe: i think this is going to be the most watched oscars in history, for one reason
gabe: and one reason only
lindsay: HEATH
gabe: no
gabe: because
gabe: everyone will want to see whether or not hugh jackman pees his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: i'm going to have an oscar watching party at my house, and i'm going to give everyone a pair of sweatpants and a gallon of water
gabe: and i'm going to cover the couch in a tarp
lindsay: Hahahaha
lindsay: Um, you're not having an Oscar party.
gabe: no
lindsay: Because we both have to work.
gabe: that is NOT why i am not having an oscar party
lindsay: We're CINDERELLA at this year's Oscar party balls.
gabe: F
gabe: Y
gabe: I
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: I used to have a party every year
lindsay: shut up.
gabe: well you also just said
gabe: that you love the pageantry
gabe: there is more than one thing that is different about the way you and i feel about the oscars
lindsay: Yeah, that was like giving you a present.
lindsay: That was like asking a bully to hold your lunch money for you for a second while you tie your shoe.
gabe: no, giving me a present is giving me a present
gabe: ok, the second one was closer
gabe: but that was not a present
gabe: i know what a present looks like
gabe: it looks like this
lindsay: hahahahaha
gabe: i think that people will watch this year's oscars
gabe: because of THE ECONOMY
gabe: did i just blow your mind?
gabe: i'm basically taking you to college right now
lindsay: I'm just going to watch for the commercials.
lindsay: Who do you think will accept the award for heath ledger?
lindsay: I hope it's the jonas brothers!
lindsay: Did you watch as a kid?
lindsay: Did you dream of being up there one day?
lindsay: And is it okay if someone you know maybe still does a little bit every year?
gabe: i watched, sure
gabe: it is made for children
gabe: it's basically a children's show
lindsay: except for the music and dance numbers!
lindsay: my god
lindsay: those seem to be based on a series of kickbacks
lindsay: because nobody actually likes them, in the world
gabe: that is probably not true
gabe: your mom probably loves them
lindsay: my parents don't have TV.
lindsay: not even one channel.
gabe: your mom probably would love them
lindsay: so there!
gabe: if you look up pyrrhic victory in the dictionary
gabe: there's a picture of you
gabe: doing the elaine benes dance
gabe: it's an animated gif actually
gabe: the first animated gif in the dictionary ever
lindsay: hahahaha
lindsay: the pages move
gabe: which is itself another pyrrhic victory
gabe: AND THE CIRCLE IS UNBROKEN
lindsay: it's a flip book
gabe: no, it is not a flip book
lindsay: yes it is
gabe: jesus, you should really expense a dictionary
gabe: so that you know what one looks like
lindsay: there's a little flip book on that page
gabe: so that you can understand all of my monster dictionary jokes
lindsay: in this hypothetical dictionary that anyone is allowed to design!
lindsay: Pyrric victories were the first epic fails
gabe: seriously, though, how many times do you think hugh jackman will pee his pants?
gabe: how many times do you think the actor in him will take over?
gabe: that's how i excuse myself to go to the bathroom now, btw
gabe: i say "excuse me, the actor in me has to take over"
lindsay: Hahahahahahhaa
lindsay: You are so obsessed with that
lindsay: you're going to have a Hugh Jackman Pees His Pants-themed birthday party this year
gabe: the fact that you are not obsessed with that is what is wrong with you
lindsay: I'm meta obsessed
lindsay: I'm obsessed with you being obsessed
gabe: the only thing more interesting than that
gabe: is that guy from The City
gabe: buying a blowjob with oxycontin
lindsay: That is so true!
gabe: and the fact taht we have to spend our day talking about the oscars
gabe: whn things like that are happening in the world
gabe: is ridiculous
gabe: which is why
lindsay: That concept is like an ad for oxycontin
gabe: this is my formal IM of resignation
lindsay: "Oxycontin: Someone blew ME for it."
lindsay: - That Guy
lindsay: Who do you think the presenters will be?
gabe: ugh, that's another thing
gabe: this whole presenters mystery
gabe: OH MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DENZEL WASHINGTON AND JULIA ROBERTS!
gabe: like, what do people think?
gabe: it's not going to be Bam Margera and the fat guy from Borat
gabe: it's going to be famous Hollywood actors
gabe: there are, like, 15 of them to choose from
lindsay: Who have a movie coming out in the next six weeks
lindsay: or if it's Brendan Fraser, two years
gabe: brendan fraser won't present an award, will he?
gabe: if he presents an award then the whole thing is more bankrupt and ridiculous than i thought
lindsay: it seems like he does every year
lindsay: and is promoting a movie that nobody has heard of
lindsay: because it's in pre-production
lindsay: well we know that the winners from last year will present
gabe: well look at you
lindsay: because that's a thig
lindsay: thing
gabe: Professor of Fraser Studies
gabe: yeah
gabe: if there is one thing that i know about the oscars, it's that Brendan Fraser did not win one last year
gabe: or any of the years
lindsay: Brendan Fraser really needs to stretch himself as an actor.
gabe: unless they ever put Encino Man 2 into production
gabe: the problem with "needs to" is its reliance on "able to"
gabe: it's funny that the only people talking about whether or not anyone is going to watch the oscars
gabe: are entertainment blogers who already have the whole night planned out
lindsay: yeah
lindsay: I definitely hate myself for still caring about the oscars in any way.
lindsay: it's all vestigial kid stuff
gabe: you and the kids stuff
gabe: look, i don't want to be a broken record here
gabe: but it all boils down to one thing
gabe: whether or not america wants to see hugh jackman pee his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: look, i don't want to be a broken record here
gabe: but it all boils down to one thing
gabe: whether or not america wnats to see hugh jackman pee his pants
gabe: which he will
gabe: look, i don't want to be a broken record here
gabe: and scene
gabe: lindsay?
Posted by Lindsay at 6:15 PM in Awards, Friday Fight
Tags: Academy Awards | Heath Ledger | Hugh Jackman
I wanna hear Mickey Rourke thank his dog chauffer and look lostly sincere doing so. Also... JENKINS!
Score = 4
I wanna see Robert Downy Junior win for Tropic Thunder
Score = 0
Sometime you should have a fight where you pretend to be the other one.
Score = 4
What movie is that drug deal clip from? That's some twisted, "Goodbye Uncle Tom" shit.
Score = 0
i'll watch to see if heathus wins
Score = 0
Heath will win. But who wants to to watch that? It's not like he's going to show up or anything. Now that no one wants to watch this crap anymore because The Dark Knight got snubbed for best picture, except for maybe get to see Mickey Rourke walk away with the Best Actor award he deserves. The rest of the films are overrated.
Score = 0
I like watching it because of all the sweaty desperation to make us common folk WOWED and AMAZED. It never happens. I cannot recall ever once being wowed or amazed. Or even mildly amused, for that matter. I also like when the host really sucks and then everybody talks about how bad they were the next day. Like it's a REVELATION. Like it's NEWS!!! Ha. And seriously, do we really have to choose who gets Heather's statue? Oooh will it be his parents or his ex and kid? OMGOMG!!! Just have them all stand up there. Problem solved. Dumbasses.
Score = 0
Sorry, Heath, not Heather. Heather is my sister. She did like Heath, though. I almost did it again. I'm leaving now.
Score = 0
I just can't get into the Oscars anymore. Not even the nostalgia of watching them in my younger years helps...
Score = 0
my roommate will watch the oscars.
she also defended chocolate news.
and watches "tool academy".
there's your demographic.
Score = 0
also this is brendan fraser
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FUCK. THIS.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/1b/Wilbur_the_pug.jpg
Score = 0
this is the first time I've ever clicked-thru from my reader to see the actual post (because it ended on "because" and I just couldnt believe gabe would do it like that.)
I wonder what other gems I've missed along the way...
Score = 0