Friday Fight: Movie Remakes: Horrible Or Meh-ible?
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
gabe: jackie chan is a ridiculous choice for the karate kid remake
gabe: obviously it should have been tony jaa
lindsay: At least it's not Mickey Rooney.
gabe: but also people need to RELAX
gabe: is mickey rooney even still alive?
lindsay: yeah
gabe: well, then he might ahve actually been a good Mr. Miyagi
gabe: (good=racist)
gabe: he's old enough, at least
gabe: Jackie Chan will be able to impart on young daniel-san the wisdom of a 43 year old
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: do you love the original karate kid?
gabe: i mean, sure
gabe: but i'm also 109 years old
gabe: i've moved forward with my life
lindsay: I have a place in my heart for it and for acting it out with my brother, but I don't really remember it
gabe: let me refresh your memory
gabe: wax on wax off
gabe: kobra kai
gabe: shower costume
gabe: he wins
gabe: the end
lindsay: and it was already desecrated by hillary swank
gabe: yeah, seriously
gabe: complaining about the sanctity of the karate kid after karate kid three
gabe: is like complaining about the sanctity of marriage
gabe: after Trista and Ryan's Wedding
lindsay: I think remakes can be okay if they're for kids
lindsay: Parent Trap w/ Lohan
lindsay: Freaky Friday..w/ Lohan
gabe: you think remakes can be ok if they're with lohan
lindsay: basically they have to star a pre-2004 lindsay lohan
lindsay: but there's nothing worse than seeing that a movie is on and clicking on it and it's the OTHER one
lindsay: like, the ORIGINAL Oceans 11
gabe: hahah
gabe: nothing worse
lindsay: (literally nothing worse. nothing.)
gabe: absolutely nothing worse
gabe: also when have you accidentally turned on the original ocean's 11?
gabe: I CAN'T BELIEVE NICK AT NITE FOOLED ME AGAIN?!
gabe: because of how you're always watching Nick at Nite
lindsay: hahahaha
lindsay: The WE channel
lindsay: Turner Movies People Forgot
lindsay: (ugh)
lindsay: Someone should remake Annie Hall just to drive 1% of the population insane.
gabe: hahahhaha
gabe: so many people jumping off of the grad library roof
lindsay: there would be rioting in the streets
gabe: on the upper west side
lindsay: yeah, one street
gabe: "the upper west side is in flames tonight"
lindsay: hahaha
gabe: who would remake it?
lindsay: they could get jeff goldblum to say "I forgot my mantra"
gabe: The Wayans Brothers
lindsay: He would totally reprise that role
gabe: i would love to see a Wayans Brothers remake of Annie Hall
gabe: (love=suicide myself)
gabe: (to=after having accidentally as a joke)
gabe: (see=seen)
lindsay: I need the motherfucking eggs!!!
gabe: i just think it's funny how mad people get about remakes
lindsay: I kind of get mad
lindsay: I got mad when cruel intentions came out
gabe: sexe intentions
lindsay: because I loved dangerous liasons so much
gabe: i only refer to that movie by its French title
lindsay: I know
gabe: well, sure
gabe: but then there's a whole otehr contingent
gabe: who are so mad dangerous liasons came out
gabe: because adapting a classic novel is blasphemous
lindsay: Swoosie Kurtz was in both movies! sacrilege!
lindsay: because of VALMONT
lindsay: (nobody remembers valmont)
lindsay: (nobody saw valmont)
gabe: but in none of these cases are you actually forced to participate, purchase, experience the thing that you're mad about
gabe: and i definitely don't think there was anyone who was like
gabe: "Dangerous Liasons? Why bother! I'll just watch Sexe Intentions"
lindsay: Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone in a certain age bracket was required to see cruel intentions
lindsay: and to love it ironically
gabe: that's different
gabe: ironic enjoyment requires an understanding of context
gabe: you have to know about dangerous liasons to watch Sexe Intentions ironically
lindsay: Really putting that post-graduate work to use!
lindsay: haha
lindsay: you are going to keep saying "sexe intentions"
lindsay: at least five more times
gabe: i'm just saying
gabe: if anything, remakes might encourage people to seek out the original
gabe: but i don't think they really overwrite the original
gabe: not the way people fear they might
gabe: Cedric the Entertainmer is not who people think of when they talk about Ralph Kramden
lindsay: hahaha, man
lindsay: I forgot about that one
lindsay: oh, and what about the guess who's coming to dinner one!
lindsay: that one seemed unbelievable
gabe: the thing about remakes is that they are categorically stupid
gabe: but so is a lot of stuff
gabe: but people get more angry about remakes
gabe: because they trample on people's memories or something
gabe: their precious precious memories
lindsay: of Freaky Friday
gabe: right
gabe: i mean, obviously remakes are exclusively about making money
gabe: but that's almost refreshing in its honesty
gabe: because in reality everything is about making money
gabe: (cough flight of the conchords returns this sunday on HBO cough)
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: yeah, the "they just want to make....MONEY!" outrage is pretty funny
lindsay: "like firefighters and nurses!"
gabe: what?
gabe: like firefighters and nurses?
lindsay: yes, they want to make money
lindsay: they have jobs
lindsay: nevermind
gabe: remakes are the movie equivalent of learning there's no santa claus
gabe: like, yeah, surprise, hollywood doesn't give a fuck about your nostalgia
gabe: it's in the way of the bank
gabe: excuse me, your nostalgia is blocking the door to the bank
lindsay: all of our pop culture treasures will turn to dust
lindsay: and our favorites are ripoffs of our parent's favorites anyway
lindsay: so we may as well just all commit suicide
gabe: well, obviously
gabe: i've been advocating planetary suicide for YEARS
gabe: because of REMAKES
lindsay: it was the shot for shot psycho that really did it.
gabe: i feel like the shot for shot psycho remake
gabe: was just a half-cooked dorm room idea brought to life
gabe: although that's already more interesting than most remakes
gabe: most remakes are not even half-baked dorm room ideas
gabe: they're "my wife says we need to remodel the helicopter" ideas
lindsay: haha, I don't get east of eden. I loved the book but the movie was soooo boring.
lindsay: oh well then I guess I get it
gabe: you are bad at having opinions about things
lindsay: that's the definition of getting the remake of east of eden
gabe: east of eden is great
lindsay: yeah, probably. I was 14.
lindsay: what do you want?
gabe: hahahahha
lindsay: me to know about movies?
gabe: i want you to not keep having the opinions of a 14 year old
gabe: it's 2005
Posted by Gabe at 6:00 PM in Friday Fight
Tags: Karate Kid | Remakes
Isn't Gran Torino just a reverse Karate Kid remake? Old white guy helps young Asian kid stand up to bullies, shower costume, he wins, the end?
Score = 10
This is as good a place as any to lodge a formal complaint with the presidents of tv and movies that the Pitt/Jolie Mr. & Mrs. Smith's horribleness will be driving people away from Hitchcock's only comedy, 1941's Mr & Mrs. Smith. It's obvious that Hitchcock doesn't know how to end it about 30 minutes in, but that first 30 minutes is definitely worth watching if you like black & white screwball comedies starring couples. It's an inverse Ocean's.
Score = 1
The Psycho remake is the natural extension of a frat boy watching Psycho and saying "Man, I hope when she dies I get to see her ass."
Score = 7
How about Funny Games? What do you make of a director remaking one of his own movies in another language shot for shot because he originally intended it to be in English anyway?
Before you answer that, put aside the fact that Funny Games is absolutely ridiculous and pretentious and annoying.
Score = 0
i'm so glad asian-face is over... that mickey rooney 'meeeese gorighty' shit was atrocious.
Score = 2
What?! The original Ocean's 11 is great. It makes the screenplay from the new one look like a monkey wrote it.
Score = 0
What? Nothing happens in the original. They should have just made the movie like this: Rat pack walk down Vegas street with their names of the giant marquee. "Eeee-O Eleven" Take the picture for the dorm room poster. Shower costume. End.
Total time: 1 minute
Score = 0
gabe bringing the lulz tonight
Score = 1
hollywood formula = "if you have no new ideas, want money, and are risk-averse, please plunder previous film ideas from other filmmakers. find one that is "relatable" and remake it in the worst way possible, adding "stars" you will forget in five minutes, and cash check."
p.s. vomit
Score = 1
When Pat Morita made Karate kid he was only 51 or 52. Jackie Chan is 55 years old. He just looks 43. Now there's some wisdom I'd like imparted.
Score = 2
HItchcock actually had another comedy, "The Trouble With Harry" starring Shirley Mclaine and "The Beaver" from "Leave it to Beaver." It's pretty charming and amoral.
Score = 0
Yeah, but that was also kind of a murder mystery, so it wasn't that out of character for Hitchcock. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a full out romantic comedy with jokes that have punchlines and no one dies.
Score = 0