Friday Fight: How Great Are Heidi And Spencer, You Guys?
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
gabe: heidi and spencer are hilarious
lindsay: they're hilariously ridiculous, but they should be stopped.
gabe: they will be stopped
gabe: by the angel of death
gabe: he spares no one
lindsay: They should be stopped by the angel of not being famous anymore.
gabe: well, that will happen too
gabe: and probably sooner rather than later
lindsay: it only spares Madonna
gabe: are you kidding?
gabe: madonna's been dead for years
gabe: that's why her new stuff doesn't do so well
gabe: because american consumers are turned off by the sound of a reanimated corpse
lindsay: if we're going to argue about whether or not madonna is still famous, I will win
lindsay: Speidi shouldn't just be ignored because they're evil
lindsay: They should be ignored because they're attempting to break the rules of fame
lindsay: And like The Dog Whisperer, we should hold them down by the neck and show them who is in charge.
gabe: wait, how are they evil?
gabe: evil is a preposterous word
gabe: pol pot is evil
gabe: heidi and spencer are obnoxious at best
lindsay: Fine, Evil, Awful, same diff
gabe: NOT THE SAME DIFFERENCE
gabe: USE YOUR WORDS
lindsay: Evil (or Awful) flourishes when good bloggers give them attention.
gabe: you think that heidi and spencer are famous because of blogs?
lindsay: well, or bad bloggers
gabe: they are famous because they're on the most influential show MTV has had in a generation
lindsay: I think that if the entire internet ignored them, the angel of obscurity would find them quicker
gabe: a show that caters to the segment of the population with the largest amount of disposable income
gabe: if the internet ignored Julia Allison
gabe: that would be one thing
gabe: heidi and spencer already have a platform
gabe: i think that as somone who reads and writes blogs it's easy to think that they are the reason things work
gabe: there are thousands of people who don't read blogs
lindsay: Who don't have the internet
gabe: and watch teh hills
lindsay: yeah yeah
gabe: blogs do not make the world go round
gabe: despite what worldgoround.blogspot.com says
lindsay: I think it's .tumblr now
lindsay: but the People Of The Internet control things
gabe: People of the Internet don't control anything
gabe: you said that they broke the rules of fame
gabe: which is another mindfuck we probably don't have time to parse out
gabe: BUT
gabe: they didn't "break the rules" on their own
gabe: there is a huge support system of consumers who helped that happen
lindsay: EXACTLY
lindsay: And I'm saying that someone needs to lead the charge in ignoring them.
lindsay: And it will be me, in my head, and nothing will change.
lindsay: Except that I will have a slightly more superior attitude
lindsay: You know what? Heidi is fine.
lindsay: She's just a stupid girl.
lindsay: She would be nothing without Spencer.
gabe: i think she's actually worse than spencer
lindsay: no, you are wrong
gabe: she was on the show before him
gabe: he was the smart one
gabe: but he's also the weak link
lindsay: Yes, the evil smart one
gabe: no no
gabe: she knows exactly what she's doing
lindsay: if Spencer broke up with Heidi, he and whoever he dated next, so long as he dated someone next seriously, would be more famous for longer.
gabe: how does that make heidi just a stupid girl?
gabe: taht means heidi is holding onto him to remain in the spotlight
lindsay: I believe that Heidi Montag has an IQ of about 75
lindsay: to spencer's 102.5
gabe: what does that have to do with anything?
gabe: IQ is a myth
lindsay: of course, but as a relative scale with 100 being the accepted average, it's still useful in judging reality tv stars
gabe: didn't you read the bell curve or whatever
lindsay: the bell curve is racist
gabe: no, IQ tests are racist
lindsay: if we say 100 is average and 130 is genius and 70 is retarded, we can use it as a scale in our heads even if the real test is bullshit
gabe: let's not talk about iq numbers anymore
gabe: it's seriously boring
lindsay: I know, you get really sensitive.
gabe: no i get really bored
lindsay: No, it's okay Gabe
gabe: what's ok?
gabe: that your'e boring?
lindsay: That test is racist against upper middle class Jewish guys.
lindsay: We all know that
lindsay: shhh
gabe: ok
gabe: you keep having your own conversation and let me know when you're done
lindsay: Would you have a threesome with Heidi and Spencer for 3 million dollars?
gabe: yes
lindsay: god, me too.
gabe: yeah what are you talking about
lindsay: This is a sad day
gabe: that's like a game of would you rather in which all the possiblities have to be either eating a type of candy, or going on a fancy trip
would you rather be rich, or rich and famous?
lindsay: What? What is that game?
gabe: would you rather?
lindsay: I play real games
gabe: you don't know that game?
lindsay: oh, because you would love to have sex with heidi and spencer.
lindsay: got it
gabe: no, i would love to have 3 million dollars
lindsay: but not with candy and trips
gabe: THAT IS THE JOKE
gabe: BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T WANT THREE MILLION DOLLARS?
gabe: we should probably talk about IQs again
lindsay: No, I understand it's a sore subject.
lindsay: You didn't have a good breakfast that day.
lindsay: It's okay
lindsay: it doesn't mean anything
gabe: tell me when you are done with this riff
lindsay: we should play would you rather
lindsay: with the cast of the hills
gabe: why, because you're losing this fight?
lindsay: everyone is losing this fight
gabe: if what heidi and spencer are doing wasn't somehow fundamentally interesting
gabe: they wouldn't be famous
gabe: they're doing something RIGHT
gabe: as painful as that might be to admit
gabe: i don't think that fame is a meritocracy
gabe: especially nowadays
gabe: but almost everyone who is famous deserves to be famous somehow
lindsay: I'ts probably the opposite
gabe: it's just a diferent system now but it's still based on the merit system
lindsay: It's like evolution
lindsay: it's going in reverse
gabe: devolution
gabe: that is a word
lindsay: Where do you think Heidi and Spencer will be in 5 years?
gabe: VH1
lindsay: hahaha
gabe: in five years they will be on Vh1
lindsay: Are they joined for life?
lindsay: like a chinese finger trap?
gabe: no, they're just joined until people stop paying attention
lindsay: Doesn't there need to be a first person to stop paying attention?
lindsay: We could be One Less!
gabe: no, because this isn't like Paris HIlton
gabe: who is mostly an amalgamation of her press coverage
gabe: they're the cast of a TV show for better or for worse
gabe: so it doesn't really matter
gabe: i mean, sure, videogum is HUGE
gabe: so the silence would be DEAFENING
lindsay: You mean Spencer Pratt is not a blank canvas onto which we project our wishes and dreams?
gabe: where did you read that? on your jeans?
lindsay: is that an insult?
lindsay: because I don't even know
lindsay: I said first person, not first website
gabe: well, especially not first person
gabe: i mean, first website would be one thing
gabe: but a person deciding they weren'jt going to pay attention is pointless
lindsay: it could be like hands across america
lindsay: but not a failure
gabe: that's like the powerful statement all 5 vegans in the world are making by not eating organic eggs
lindsay: There are more than 5 vegans.
lindsay: I win this fight. Done. Sorry about your low IQ.
gabe: you're like a mom
gabe: who just has one joke
gabe: that no one ever got in the first place
lindsay: You're like an asshole
lindsay: Who has a joke about jeans
lindsay: That nobody gets
lindsay: Can we ask people for future fight topics?
lindsay: nevermind dumb
gabe: you should blog for craigslist
lindsay: I want to start a PBS blog
lindsay: I mean, VG should just be about PBS
lindsay: Everyone should start watching Scientific American Frontiers with Alan Alda and make him the new Spencer
gabe: right, poor alan alda never got any recognition
gabe: he's been hiding in the shadows for TOO LONG
lindsay: Alan and Arlene
lindsay: Alane
lindsay: Alrlene
gabe: ok, you're on your own
lindsay: Aldarene
Posted by Gabe at 5:57 PM in Friday Fight
Tags: Heidi Montag | Spencer Pratt | The Hills
Lindsay wins, hands down!
...
Sorry about your IQ, Gabe.
Score = 3
friday fight is the apex of civilization
Score = 0
So Gabe is a prostitute?
Score = 0
Oh my God vegan jokes.
Score = 0
It sounds cool but if you guys really want to watch something where people really are "killed off" (eliminated) by the "angel" (American voters) than you should watch Nashville Star's premiere on NBC Monday. It will have the good, the bad, and the ugly...CASTING CALL! Fun.
Score = -1
Who the hell are Heidi & Spencer?
Score = -1
lindsay, i am one person and i am protesting spencer and heidi by NOT reading any articles about them when i read gossip magazines at nail and hair salons, nor any interweb stuff, aside from you guys arguing about them. my one tiny fist is raised in the air, in defiance. (my hands are small, i know...ugh.)
also, spencer has that thing where all his features are crowded together in one area of his face, leaving a disconcertingly large area totally bare. freaky. spead those things out, man, let them breathe.
finally, alan alda is fucking #1. THE BEST.
Score = 1