Friday Fight: Batman Vs Everyone
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
gabe: who would win in a fight, batman or iron man?
lindsay: I'm not really sure what Batman would do to iron man. Clink his sword up against him?
lindsay: Have a staring contest?
gabe: i think that it would be a close fight
gabe: but i think that batman has more will to win than iron man
gabe: although i guess iron man could float above batman and shoot at him?
lindsay: Batman is still anti-gun, right?
gabe: yeah, mostly anti gun
gabe: he's super into arresting people
gabe: he believes in due process
gabe: iron man believes in due shooting people in the face
gabe: who would win in a fight, batman or black face robert downey jr.?
lindsay: RDJ.
lindsay: He has nothing to lose now.
gabe: i think batman would beat him back into a white man
lindsay: Killing Batman is just another name for nothing left to lose.
gabe: batman would beat him back into rehab
lindsay: Oh real RDJ?
lindsay: I think real life RDJ would be so fucking angry that he couldn't get insured by warner brothers to be Batman when he obviously should have been Batman that he would kill Batman easily.
gabe: real life rdj should not have been batman
gabe: that is revisionist history
gabe: you're too high on the rdj hype wave
lindsay: Yes, he's the obvious 1996-2003 choice.
lindsay: But he is kind of obviously the real Batman.
gabe: i think you could have made that argument during most of the previous batmans
gabe: but christian bale is so obviously the best batman
gabe: that you just sound silly
gabe: you're embarrassing yourself
lindsay: Yes, the new dark batman. the new unlikeable batman. I get it.
lindsay: What is up with the thin lips? Why can't Batman have pretty lips?
lindsay: he wears the mask all the time, it's all you can see
gabe: i think a lot of people find christian bale pretty attractive
gabe: is it the lack of goatee that's throwing you off?
lindsay: Well, after American Psycho, duh
hahahaha
gabe: well right
gabe: no one was really comfortable with speaking their mind about
gabe: empire of the sun christian bale
gabe: and going to jail for their desires
lindsay: hahaha, SO HOT
gabe: who would win in a fight
gabe: batman or christian bale in empire of the sun?
lindsay: Sadly, it's been 45 years since I've seen Empire of the Sun
lindsay: But maybe there are clips on Youtube
gabe: um
gabe: maybe he's FIVE YEARS OLD
gabe: that kid would get murdered
gabe: you don't need to refresh your memroy
lindsay: But he was like buddha or something, right?
lindsay: I know he was a kid
gabe: batman would punch him so hard he'd wake up in world war III
lindsay: Does Batman punch a lot? I thought he just kind of stared people down.
lindsay: I haven't seen an entire Batman movie since Batman, by the way. Batman (1989)
lindsay: I probably should have told you that.
lindsay: But I saw that one at least 8 times in the theater.
gabe: http://youtube.com/watch?v=mnxIWjR2jk4
lindsay: Oh everybody has seen that fucking scene.
lindsay: You love fighting.
gabe: you thought batman graduated from teh Gotham Staring Workshop
lindsay: You love any movie with a fight. It's cute.
gabe: i love fighitng
gabe: i love this scene
gabe: and i would like you to buy me iron cuffs for my birhtday
lindsay: His parent's death was totally his fault.
gabe: you need to go to comic book jail
lindsay: Will Patton Oswalt be there?
lindsay: That's all I know about comic books.
gabe: as the warden maybe
gabe: anyway, this batman woudl totally kick your 1989 batman's teeth in
lindsay: Well, it's clear that Batman has trained much since I last saw him.
gabe: haha, yes.
gabe: That much is clear.
gabe: he would put michael keaton's teeth on a curb
gabe: it would be Gotham History X
lindsay: Batman has the focus to move beyond his little stupid throwing star thing that anyone could have.
lindsay: who would win, Batman versus Willow?
gabe: i think probably batman still, but batman vs. leprechaun would be a tough fight
gabe: does willow have magic?
lindsay: Well it's very important to remember that Val Kilmer was the villian in Willow.
gabe: no
gabe: val kilmer was not the villain
gabe: you are wrong
lindsay: You know all.
gabe: you're the one who threw that out there
gabe: and then didn't know anything about willow
lindsay: Batman vs The Steel Magnolias
gabe: batman would beat them so hard
gabe: he would reverse menopause
gabe: he would take them to arkham asylum for being crazy sassy
lindsay: Batman versus Kim Basinger (Now)
gabe: she's kind of a C, right?
lindsay: And remember she had the power to break even the wonderful Alec Baldwin.
lindsay: Yes, she's a C and a Half.
gabe: i think probably batman would win, BUT
gabe: he would take a really long time to recuperate
gabe: it would be one of those devastating battles that makes you wonder if he'll survive
lindsay: She's a C plus. A 36 Triple C.
lindsay: How about Batman versus Patrick Swayze in Ghost.
lindsay: (Bear in mind Swayze can move quarters through the air)
gabe: look
gabe: lindsay
gabe: batman could destroy everyone you have a crush on
lindsay: I don't have a crush on Gloria Steinem.
gabe: hahahha
gabe: i didn't say he could ONLY destroy whoever you have a crush on
gabe: gloria steinem would dinsoaur him to death
gabe: get it?
lindsay: Ooooh, Ohhh! The bear in Semi-Pro!
lindsay: Have you seen that? it's incredibly uncomfortable the way there's a 20 min scene where a trained showbiz bear goes crazy and kills people.
gabe: he's dead now, right?
gabe: the bear?
gabe: they kiled him?
gabe: because of his violence?
lindsay: Yeah, the fucking bear is dead but he killed his goddamned trainer.
lindsay: it's really really upsetting to watch because it's exactly what happened. anyway.
lindsay: That bear would win
gabe: if only the bear's trainer had training in hand-to-hand combat and ninja skills from his time in the mountains.
lindsay: or a gun.
gabe: or military-grade body armor
gabe: and a cape
(This is it for us today, see you Monday!)
Posted by Lindsay at 2:00 PM in Friday Fight
Tags: Batman | Christian Bale | The Dark Knight
OH my God, Lindsay. Watch some Batmans. Seriously.
Score = 1
Wait, doesn't Swayze move a penny?
Score = 0
Oh this is so cute.
Also, thin white folks lips have been all the rage for a long time.
Score = 0
Batman would surely beat Iron Man. He's more cunning than Tony Stark. He has just as much money and resources. The Iron Man robot is too slow and heavy. Batman is sleek and quick. Batman would surely find a weakness in his armor and expliot it before Iron Man knew what happened.
Score = -1