The Shake Weight, Now For Men
Sorry, ladies. Your strangle-hold (get it?) on the exercise by jacking off ghost dicks industry has finally ended. WHERE MY FELLAS AT?!
Looking good, dudes! Could you aim the Shake Weight for Men a little more towards your mouth? A little more? A little more? Perfect.
Here's a fun game to play, guess which of these quotes is a testimonial to the Shake Weight for Men, and which is someone describing their first homosexual experience:
- a) "15 seconds into it you're already going, OK, this is for real."
- b) "I just blew a guy in the bathroom."
- c) "Like 30-45 seconds I was already covered in sweat and completely pumped."
- d) "30 seconds going like this and I'm like, 'this is not easy.'"
- e) "I just blew two guys in the bathroom."
- f) "It's an all-over workout, with your breathing, and your arms pumping. It's awesome."
- g) "I haven't had a pump like this for a long time."
Answer Key: a) homosexual experience, b) homosexual experience, c) homosexual experience, d) homosexual experience, e) homosexual experience, f) Shake Weight for Men, g) homosexual experience
If you got any of those right, then you know that the Shake Weight is ridiculous.
But wait, there's more:
"I use my Shake Weight for Men in case there are no gay people here. To jerk off. With my lady hands."
--Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise, everybody. Total Shake Weight for Men Head. (Thanks for the tip, Whitney.)
Posted by Gabe at 1:45 PM in Free Advertising
Tags: Exercise | Health | Homoeroticism | Shake Weight | Yikes
My goodness that is a very suggestive way to exercise.
Score = 3
I'll bet all these guys are poker buddies. And by that I mean pokeHIM buddies! Amiright?
Score = 13
I made this image just for that by the way. Because I know it's everything you've ever wanted. You're welcome, monsters.
Score = 6
I'll just jack off instead. Thanks though!
Score = 11
I do hate how big and bulky the equipment at the gym is. Wait, the idea of the gym is to steal all the equipment and get it home by yourself, right?
Score = 30
I was going to make a Tom Cruise joke, but A) Gabe already got one in there, and B) I don't really want to contribute to its quick-approaching death.
Aw, what the hell. "I heard Tom Cruise just ordered 37 of these."
Score = 8
i'm deciding that you used '37' as a Clerks reference to sucking 37 dicks
Score = 1
At the 1:20 mark. "Circle weight with your friends!" because of gay
Score = 15
Last one to finish has to eat the cracker!
Score = 6
Everyone's first experience with the Sake Weight is very personal.
Score = 5
Keep fucking that Shake Weight...
Score = 17
'A)' could also apply (probably) to just about anyone's first sexual experience regardless of who or what it was with.
Score = 4
Uh...Shake Weight, not "sake."
Score = -1
Too bad they didn't have the slow motion like in the shake weight commercial.
And also, what's the difference between the sake weight for men and the shake weight for women?
Score = 0
it's all jackin, right?
Score = 6
no homo
Score = 9
I heard the new shake weights have a timer that squirts you in the face when the work out is over. You know. To cool you down.
Score = 47
"Just a normal heterosexual male workout. Nothing to see here. Nope. Just grasping a thick, hard, phallic object and jiggling it back and forth between my hands like a quaking male member. Oh look, I can do it over my shoulders and behind my back, too. Not advertising my acrobatic, athletic homosexual handjob skills or anything. Working out completely normally here, watching a buff shirtless sweaty Australian man talk about my favorite jackoff product. Workout product, I meant. Heterosexual workout product. God, I love gay sex." - average Shake Weight for Men user
Score = 18
"Officer, I swear, I was just trying to get a work-out in here at the airport before my flight, and you see, I naturally didn't want to work out in the boarding area so I come in here to this bathroom stall, and of course, wouldn't you know it but I left my ShakeWeight at home so I was all set to leave when this gentleman generously offered to let me use his penis instead and... I'm going to jail aren't I?"
Score = 7
I'm sure there will be pley of shake weight pumping in the prison exercise yard.
Score = 1
the last 10 seconds has some pretty nice scratching on the music track, DJ Shake Weight in the house
Score = 17
I'll have you know that DJ Shake Weight is my alias in my Hip-Hop aerobics class.
Score = 6
"You'll feel the burn instantly" ..on yo dick
Score = 9
If this was $29.99, I would so not buy it, but since it is $29.95, I can use my savings of four cents on a turkey dinner because it's 1932.
Score = 34
"When I was a youngun we didn't have your fancy Shaker Weights to get muscled. We had to rely on good old fashioned hard work and raucous homosexual activity to get our bodies fit"
"Please stop talking, Grandad"
Score = 23
"Really? REALLY!? No one. Not one person is going to raise their hands with me? No one else thinks the Shake Weight Workout looks a little gay? ...I fucking quit." - Shake Weight Board Member...haha...member.
Score = 20
"Really? REALLY!? No one. Not one person is going to raise their hands with me? No one else thinks the Shake Weight Workout looks a little gay? ...I fucking quit." - Shake Weight Board Member...haha...member.
Score = 4
...shit.
Score = 12
WELL Hallelujah!. Now I can finally simulate the heart-healthy, life-prolonging benefits of jerking it long after my penis is rugburn-red and screaming for a rest! Thanks, Shake Weight!
And clean-up is a snap!
Score = 9
Every part of my being wishes they had said "And clean-up is a snap!" somewhere in that ad.
Score = 3
If this commercial is telling the truth, then I should already be massive.
Score = 15
But what about your muscles?
Score = 27
(Did that make sense? It was supposed to be a joke about massive penis.)
Score = 21
I'm w you bg... Made sense to me
Score = 0
Your mistake, sir. A massive penis is no no joke.
Score = 8
Double negative fail. Motion to add an "edit" function?
Score = 10
seconded, also a limited time delete button. Because html.
Score = 3
The edit feature would be great if it wasn't for the voting, where it could be used for evil too easily. Someone could write "Gabe sucks!", knowing it'll get dumped with downvotes, and then edit their comment to say "Gabe is the best!" while it's sitting next to a negative score too deep to shovel out of. Typos are funnier anyhow.
Score = 15
you're so smart.
Score = 0
I'm waiting for their product designed to tone your jaw muscles.
Score = 16
I can recommend some exercises in the meantime.
Score = 7
They already did.
Score = 1
What? That looks NOTHING like a blow job! Step your game up, workout product inventors!
Score = 0
Blond guy at 2:35: "Like, 30, 40 seconds and I was already covered in..." Wait for it: "... sweat."
Score = 7
"Targets your biceps..." I heard bisexual.
Score = 3
Gabe, Which one of Jeff Dunham's homophobic puppets inspired you to write this post?
Score = -3
best quotes:
Bronze: "15 seconds into it you're going 'ok, this is for real"
Silver: "I haven't had a pump like this in a long time"
Gold: "in like 30-45 seconds and I was already covered in sweat(?), completely pumped."
whoa.
Score = 2
its not so much that the puppets are afraid of gays, its more that they hate gays.
Score = 3
... and having hands up their asses.
Score = 2
The Ellen Degeneres Show sooooo beat you dudes to this like two weeks ago. Boo hiss, internet.com!
Score = -1
WHERE IS MY 30 MILLION DOLLAR DIRECT TRANSFER TO MY BANK ACCOUNT, SMUG AFRICAN ROYALTY GUY?
Score = 19
Lesson: we should all be watching the Ellen Degeneres show constantly (no we shouldn't).
Score = 5
MULTIPLE KINDNESSES SIR,
AS THE CROWN PRINCE OF CHICAGO. I WISH TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY IN ISSUING THIS CASHIERS CHECK IN THE SUM OF 1.6 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS. UNFORTUNATELY MY BANK HAS SOME CONCERNS REGARDING THE VERACITY OF YOUR ACCOUNT INFORMATION, PARTICULARLY AS THE EMBASSY IN KENYA HAS NOT HEARD OF YOU AS MINISTER OF FINANCE NOR KING. PLEASE REFERENCE A NEW ACCOUNT FOR THE TRANSFER OF FUNDS TO BE COMPLETE IN THIS MATTER OF MY DECEASED UNCLE. OR SEND CASH ASAP. YOU MAY USE SOME OF THE MONEY TO BUY A TICKET TO BRING ME THE CASH. AND A TICKET BACK. AND MAYBE SOME FOOD. THANK YOU
Score = 5
For an instant there I thought you guys were talkin about shake weight, the sequel to pineapple express.
"They thought they were getting 10 pounds of the flyest Pineapple Express batch yet... Until ... They saw the bags" - Pineapple Express II: SHAKE WEIGHT
Now they're stuck with the ends.
Score = 0
Motherfucker still aint sent me shit, I telegrammed him that message two weeks ago. Finally found him, figured I'd get on his ass whilst we had him cornered.
Score = -9
Dude, you are trying way too hard.
And if anyone's an expert on whether someone is trying too hard, it'd be me.
Score = 13
Dude, you should probably TalbainJ a little less hard.
Score = 6
There is nothing suggestive about a rapid, powerful thrust. That is something which is honest.
Score = 11
OH MAN I had the most :( weekend EVER that followed a terrible no-computer week, which meant no Videogum and no daily :) and then Monday afternoon brings this beautiful gem? Lots Of Love, all the upvotes, positivemonstersmemesgum 4 ever.
Score = 3
Is it a coincidence that this post coincides with this hot dame on the side of the screen? Talk about cross promotion!
Score = 0
"I haven't had a pump like this for a long time." --Aussie ShakeWeight-er's tombstone
Score = 3
its about time they created a workout that isolates and strengthens the muscles used to jerk off.
Score = 6
Thanks for the boner, Videogum.
Score = 4
roflcopter at 50 seconds
Score = 0
My favourite quote: "The rapid, short and powerful thrust of the shake weight ignites muscle activity in your entire upper body."
Yikes. That's one scary blowjob, I mean "exercise routine." ;)
Score = 3
I'm going to shake your weight until you love me, fellow exerciser.
Score = 8
Why is this not the top comment of the week?!?
Score = -1
I know I'm missing something here... Jeff Dunham is 'hateful' but this is somehow not?
Score = 2
Sweaty, shirtless guys, making that motion, Tom Cruise must be behind this.
Score = 2
Oh well I thought it was going to catch on.
Score = 1
As if working out wasn't gay enough.
Score = 0