"Nostalgia - it's delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, 'nostalgia' literally means 'the pain from an old wound.' It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It let's us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved. By our grandmothers. Who are terrifying. Why is that music playing? Does anyone hear that? Ahhhh! What is happening to this couch? Is this couch shrinking? Why is this couch shrinking? Teddy told me that the couch wouldn't shrink. He said that in Greek, 'couch' literally means 'Someone help me, I am going to die!'"
Dudes and girl dudes, you're probably feeling pretty invincible right now. You're young! You have your whole life ahead of you! What could possibly happen? Well let me tell you a snap: you're not invincible. You are completely vincible. In fact, you are very fragile. Like an egg, or a Nintendo DS. I'm not saying not to take some risks every once in awhile. It's important to get out there and have fun with your homies. But hundreds, maybe even thousands of kids just like you are murdered every year by accidents that could have been prevented. JUST SAY NO. TO ACCIDENTS. When you're out on your in-line skates, wear a helmet. When you're having terribly awkward and incredibly embarrassing sexual experiences with your partner (who is equal to you in every way, and who you treat with respect), wear a condom. And when you're in a car, wear a seatbelt. Wearing seat belts is DA BOMB.
Speaking of seat belts that are da bomb, I want to rap to you today about a pretty cool seatbelt. It's the official seatbelt of Twilight. Oh, I'm sorry, DID YOUR HEAD JUST FALL OFF? You heard me right. There is no seat belt that can quench Edward Cullen's thirst for Bella Swan's lifeforce quite like the seatbelt in the new Volvo XC60. Don't believe me? Just ask these clumsily edited images of Robert Pattinson standing next to a car!
Listen, fresh dudes who respect girls and want everyone to be treated equally, and proud young women who know that they are in charge of their own destinies (which could even include being the first female president some day!), I know that you get rapped at all the time. Your teachers are always rapping at you about the importance of studying hard. Your parents are always rapping at you about staying away from drugs. Your local community theater troupe is always rapping at you during special afternoon performances that get you to of Civics Class (nice!) about the dangers of unprotected sex. With all that rapping, it can be pretty tough to just BE YRSELFZ. Facebook! And then you've got big corporations rapping at you about their new products. As if you can't see right through them. We all know that marketing is just about getting you to buy junk you don't need. No way, JoseCorp! Not chill! Keep your raps for your sheepholders meetings!
But I do want to take one second to just get real, with you guys. Just kick it, you know. It's like world famous superstar Jamie Kennedy always says, "KICKIN' IT OLD SCHOOL." I want to kick it with you about a product that I think you're going to see is not only cool, but it is into the things you're into, which is namely Twilight and vampires and werewolves and making awkward love when your parents are on a vacation to rekindle their marriage.
As you know, George Lopez is getting his own 10PM talk show on TBS this fall, because apparently 2009 is the year that TV finally tries to kill 10PM once and for all. Between this and The Jay Leno Show, it is only a matter of time before 10PM kills itself. (Correction: 11PM talk show. It's like that REM song, "Everyone Confuses.")
But as if the idea of George Lopez getting his own 10PM talk show wasn't bad enough, now a reader, Jeff, has sent in this ad from one of his favorite magazines. WOOF. I hope the marketing meeting where they came up with this concept didn't take them too long. Because if someone was up until three in the morning eating Chinese take-out straight from the container and tossing crumpled up ideas across the room into the garbage can as they made the sound of a roaring crowd, I'm going to pull a Duck Phillips and implode.
Seriously, is this the worst ad ever made? It might be the worst ad ever made. This is basically our generation's horrifying Lyndon Johnson "daisy" ad in that it makes me fear for the future of humanity and it also fills me with disgust.
As you may recall, Microsoft recently signed a lucrative sponsorship deal with FOX and Seth MacFarlane to have Windows 7 jokes written into an upcoming Family Guy special called Family Guy Presents: Seth and Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show. Sounds so funny! Hahaha I am laughing already! And everything was going great until the people from Microsoft actually WATCHED an episode of Family Guy. From Variety:
Microsoft execs attended the special's taping Oct. 16. The program included MacFarlane and Alex Borstein -- the voice of "Family Guy" matriarch Lois -- pitching Windows 7.
For most of the special, however, MacFarlane and Borstein made typical "Family Guy"-style jokes, including riffs on deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest.
Such material was apparently a bit much for Microsoft.
"If only Windows 7 had been around during World War II, it would have been much easier for the Nazis to efficiently organize the Jews for extermination." That was probably one of the jokes. "Blind people hate Windows 7 because they can't see computer screens." Good one. Now, Microsoft has pulled out of the special, issuing this statement:
Sorry, ladies. Your strangle-hold (get it?) on the exercise by jacking off ghost dicks industry has finally ended. WHERE MY FELLAS AT?!
Looking good, dudes! Could you aim the Shake Weight for Men a little more towards your mouth? A little more? A little more? Perfect.
Here's a fun game to play, guess which of these quotes is a testimonial to the Shake Weight for Men, and which is someone describing their first homosexual experience:
Really, David Spade? Cashing in on the life and work of your friend for a cheesy Direct TV commercial? I hope that they gave you a million dollars tissues to dry the tears over your lost integrity. I mean, everyone has to put food on their family, and for the most part I do not believe there is such a thing as selling out, but what if that food is HAUNTED?!
This really is kind of despicable! What a day today has been. It's too much. There is only one thing that can take this edge off:
Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...
I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
