Please Let There Be A Full Blown Roger Ebert Vs. Bill O'Reilly Feud
Here are a couple of obvious truths:
Roger Ebert Is The Best
Bill O'Reilly Is The Worst
So, admittedly, a feud between them would simply retrench these FACTS. No one is walking away from the Ebert-O'Reilly feud feeling any differently about either of these men (or this one man, and this slug-headed leather bag of rotten blood). Here's another truth, though:
That Doesn't Mean It Wouldn't Still Be So Great
After having his nationally syndicated column dropped by Ebert's Chicago newspaper, the Sun-Times, O'Reilly placed the entire publication in his Hall of Shame, alongside such other horrible things as Reason, and Strong Hair Lines. Obviously, Bill O'Reilly is a gas clown, and his Hall of Shame is a Hall of Jokes, but ROGER EBERT DON'T PLAY NO GAMES. And earlier this week he retaliated with an open letter to O'Reilly, which is thoughtful, insightful, and full of straight up BOMBS. Like this one:
I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that "very few" readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, "many more complained about Nancy." I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that "wow" was "mom" spelled upside-down.
OH SNAP! A Sluggo burn? A SLUGGO BURN?! I just wrote a letter of my own:
Dear Bill O'Reilly,YA BURNT.
Seriously, though, you should go read Roger Ebert's whole letter. There's a reason that when he was born his parents seriously considered naming him Roger Thebestbert. (Perfect.)
My only hope now is that Bill O'Reilly responds to this and it turns into a whole thing. Fingers crozzed. Two men enter...well, one man enters, and one lizard-skulled demon summoned by a racist sorcerer enters...one man leaves.
Posted by Gabe at 2:30 PM in Feuds
Tags: Bill O'Reilly | Roger Ebert
squeaky the chicago mouse!
Score = 4
How on earth did you neglect to include this in the post?
"That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection!"
What is with Ebert and erections/ejaculates (of pure energy)?
Score = 11
I'm still laughing at that one. My thoughts on Bill O' Reilly exactly.
Score = 0
WOW, can I just second reading that whole letter. Because everyone should. It is AMAZING.
Score = 5
A sluggo burn followed by a mouse-bridge-erection-metaphor burn.
Score = 4
Roger Ebert didn't like Wet Hot....I don't know if anything can save him in my mind.
Score = -12
It just wasn't his kind of funny, he's a straight shooter. Absurdity and ridiculousness have no place int he Ebert universe
Score = 0
Not a good idea to fuck with Roger Ebert. He's too witty. I used to watch At The Movies as a kid when it was still on PBS and I've seen Roger get Gene Siskel so wound up that steam was coming out of Gene's ears.
PS - I hope Roger is doing OK. Last I heard he couldn't even speak. Love to see him make it back to TV sometime.
Score = 12
my theory is that roger ebert's writing has gotten even more awesome since he lost his ability to speak, not that he wasn't awesome before.
he's basically all, "i cannot speak, but i shall not be silenced."
Score = 9
It boggles my mind why they don't hand out golden Roger Ebert statues at the Academy Awards instead of Oscars.
Score = 5
"Two men enter...well, one man enters, and one lizard-skulled demon summoned by a racist sorcerer enters...one man leaves."
My professor almost kicked my ass out of class for giggling like a maniac at that line.
Ebert FTW.
Score = 4
Gabe, you are the Gabest. In an ambiguously metrosexual kind of way. I bet you smell like a unicorn fart. Magical!
Score = 13
I have elevated my status from "loving" Roger Ebert to being "in love" with him.
Score = 7
Thumb wrestling match.
Score = 0
Some more fodder for this Ebert love-fest. Siskel+Ebert arguing while doing promos for their show. They each give as good as they get, but Ebert definitely has the upper hand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUMZjy8rXE4&feature=related
Score = 5
Ebert should be elected president of the Anti-Douchebag Coalition of America (patent pending). The only real feuds I know of him being in are Ebert vs. O'Reilly and Ebert vs. Vincent Gallo, but the guy knows who deserves it.
Score = 1
don't forget Ebert vs. The Creationists!
Score = 1
oh no. i just accidentally the WHOLE letter. is this bad?
Score = -6
WOW. That's amazing! First of all, kudos for the racist sorcerer bit.
I mean wow. Letting the air out of crazy people like O'Reilly really makes the worldseem nicer, If only Ebs had been penning these gems for the last eight years.
Score = 2
It's just as funny if you read it, or listen to Keith Olbermann tell it. Mr. Ebert, I may not always agree with your taste in movies, but you are spot on in your distaste of conservative lizard-skulled demons summoned by a racist sorcerer
Score = 1
I want a shirt that says "Team Ebert" on it. Or "Team Thebestbert."
Score = 0
I want your avatar on a shirt. Lasers included.
Score = 6
Please god let this happen and be a thing. Maybe we can get Sean Hannity and Jon Stewart to provide color commentary.
Score = 1
Jon Stewart would never be involved with anything with Sean Hannity. Jon Stewart attacked Crossfire for being 0.000000000000000000000000000000001% as douchey as Sean Hannity. Colbert would do it, though.
Anyway, Ebert should go on O'Reilly and write his replies. If Ebert doesn't talk O'Reilly can't tell him to shut up and then he won't be figure out how to "win" the argument. He would just start screaming, "Stop writing" and "Grab his pen" over and over again.
Score = 1
don't forget ebert vs. jay mariotti!
http://deadspin.com/5043228/roger-ebert-gives-jay-mariotti-a-strategically-placed-thumb-on-his-way-out-the-door
Score = 1
YA BURNT!!!!!!!!!!!! lolz, nice.
Score = 1