Charlie Sheen's 9/11 Fan Fiction
Oh wow, speaking of coconuts. Charlie Sheen (Terminal Velocity, Scary Movie 4) recently published a transcript of his 20-minute conversation with President Barack Obama (on a website called Prison Planet, which is how you know it's not going to be completely nuts). As the transcript begins, Charlie Sheen explains that he wanted 30 minutes, but the President's handlers would only allow him 20. Except that Charlie Sheen didn't have any minutes with the President, the whole thing is made up. Which makes the whole wanting 30 minutes but only getting 20 minutes thing particularly crazy because it is make believe. But it turns out that is the least crazy part of this whole crazy thing, because the imagined conversation is mostly about Charlie Sheen's 9/11 conspiracy theories, which is what we in the business call PERFECT. It includes a lot of naturalistic back-and-forth dialog, for example:
Charlie Sheen - Mr. President, are you aware of the number of days it took to begin the investigation into JFK's assassination?President Barack Obama - If memory serves I believe it was two weeks.
CS - Close. Seventeen days to be exact. Are you aware sir, how long it took to begin the investigation into Pearl Harbor?
PBO - I would say again about....two weeks.
CS - Close again sir, eleven days to be exact. Are you aware Mr. President how long it took to begin the investigation into 9/11?
PBO - I know it must have seemed like a very long time for all the grieving families.
CS - It was a very long time Mr. President - four hundred and forty days. Roughly 14 months. Does it bother you Mr. President that it only took FIVE HOURS for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld after the initial attack to recommend and endorse a full scale offensive against Iraq?
PBO - I am not aware of any such purported claim.
CS - I have the proof Mr. President, along with scores of documents and facts I'd like you to take a look at. Here.
(I hand him another file - much thicker than the first)
PBO - I see you came prepared Charlie.
CS - No other way to show up Mr. President. When in doubt over prepare I always say.
PBO - Now you sound like the First Lady.
CS - That's quite a compliment sir.
PBO - As you wish. Please continue.
HAAAAAAAA. Those last three lines slay me. You can just see Charlie Sheen pacing back and forth in his office, squeezing a stressball in his hand, trying to make sure he got it absolutely right. And boy did he ever. Am I reading a piece of deranged lunatic fantasy, or the latest Broadway drama? I will leave that up to the Tony Awards voters to decide.
Read the whole thing here, bananahead. (Thanks for the tip, Justin.)
Posted by Gabe at 10:15 AM in Fake Feuds, Fan Art
Tags: Barack Obama | Charlie Sheen | Fan Fiction | September 11th
"Do you have any idea, Mr. President, how long it took me to beat that hooker and throw her out of my car once I was finished?"
"Roughly immediately?"
"Right you are, Mr. President."
Score = 48
Best New Party Game 9?
Score = 9
PBO - You were sooo awesome in Wall Street. Movie change my life. And Platoon? Get out of here.
CS - That's quite a compliment sir.
PBO - Also loved you in The Mighty Ducks.
CS - What.
Score = 46
CS – Sir, I can’t imagine when you might find the time to actually watch my show given the measure of what you inherited.
"PBO – I have it Tivo’d on Air Force One. Nice break from the traveling press corps. (He glances at his watch) not to be abrupt or to rush you, but you have 19 minutes left.
CS – I’ll take that as an invitation to cut to the chase.
PBO – I’m all ears. Or so I’ve been told."
HOLY GOD, REALLY?
Score = 18
AH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST CONTRIBUTING FICTION TO THE COMMENTS.
charlie sheen is an asshole.
Score = 11
"(I hand him another file - much thicker than the first)"
Little did the President know that file was actually full of old scripts from Two and a Half Men. Truly, a world of horrors.
Score = 13
PBO- I am not aware of such purported claim.
CS- Well of course not Mr. President. As an actor I am privy to certain information that can't be shared with the president of the united states.
Score = 34
"PBO – I’m all ears. Or so I’ve been told."
Hold up. Get that truck full of Pulitzers, back it up, and dump the load onto Charlie's porch! STAT!
PBO - I don't use the phrase "real American hero" that often, but you, Sir Charles Estevez Sheen, are a realer American hero than Abraham Lincoln, Rosa Parks, and Will Smith's character in Independence Day PUT TOGETHER!!
Score = 8
"
CS: Mr. President -
(He pauses. We shake hands).
CS – Make sure your (sic) on the right side of history.
(The President breaks the handshake).
PBO – I am on the right side of history. Thank you Charlie, my staff and I will be in touch.
(I watch as he strides gracefully out of the room, the truth I provided him held firmly by his side; in the hand of providence)"
WHAT. Or, to be more polite, I'll just quote Charlie-Sheen-as-President-Barack-Obama and say "Well Charlie I can’t say this hasn’t been interesting."
Score = 2
Has anyone seen a photo of Charlie Sheen holding this script up with his name on it? I am having a seriously hard time believing this is true.
Score = 16
There is a picture of him behind a computer... and underneath the pic it says: Charlie Sheen writing 20 Minutes with the President.
so, it must be true. :/
Score = 4
How is it that the PRIME MINISTER of New Zealand can't get a meeting with the President but this perma-Hawaiian shirt cretin gets an expedited interview?
"Um yes we have a scheduled meeting with the President."
"Well there's scheduled meetings and chance meetings...this is a scheduled chance meeting."
Score = 2
It actually isn't that hard to bribe Barack into a meeting. You just have to know the right amount of homemade croutons to grease the wheels a little bit.
Score = 1
Am I the only one who read the last line and immediately pictured Obama rolling down a hill in a pirate costume, shouting, "Aaaaaaasssss yyyoooooouuuuuuu wwwwiiiiissssshhhhhhh!"
Score = 18
"(I hand him another file - much thicker than the first)" Ah! The ol' thin file to trick 'em, thick file to stick 'em move! Sheen wins again!
Score = 23
The "thick file" was an admissions packet to 9/11 University.
Score = 5
A bit off topic: Did anyone hear about the blog "cat ban"? Does anyone think Gabe might agree to it? I mean, WHERE WILL WE FIND VIDEOS OF CATS DOING THINGS THEY OTHERWISE WOULD NOT?!
Score = 4
I am not going to read the rest. Mostly because I am fairly convinced CS and PBO start making out fairly soon after the end scene above, and I have far too much respect for the President to read awkward Charlie Sheen/Barack Obama slash fiction.
Score = 10
CS: Are you aware, Mr. President, that Denise Richards is a fucking nigger?
PBO: Wat.
Score = 2
Shut Charlie Sheen down. All of him.
Score = 7
Now I get why Michael Jordan is always avoiding him.
Score = 22
Score = 0
Hmmmm - tried to insert a picture, but that clearly didn't work. Your mild loss.
Score = 4
PBO: Oh don't you know, that's the sound of the men...
CS: kick back!
PBO:...working on the chain
PBO & CS 2 part harmony: gaaaaa-eeeeyyyyanggg
Score = 3
I was going to read the rest, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too early in the morning to want to kill myself.
Score = 6
Score = 2
Ventura Sheehan Perot Paul Nader McKinney Kucinich Kaptur Gravel Gonzalez Clemente Choate Carter Baldwin Anderson
9/11, AIPAC, Anthrax, & "Federal" Reserve
Score = -7
It looks like this might be an attempt at viral marketing for the new edition/release of "Loose Change" (which premieres today). The whole time I was reading this I was thinking 'way to be 4 years late to see Loose Change, Charlie Sheen', then I went to the Loose Change wiki page...hmm
Score = 0
He realizes that Obama wasn't President when that went down, right?
Score = 1
Listen, you can be on the right side of history or the wrong side of history...
Score = 3
Here's a picture of Charlie
smoking potwhile writing this.Score = 8
Um, you guys? I think this is for reals.
Score = 20
i know that raising children is hard, so i try not to judge, but how is it possible for a class act like jed bartlet (martin sheen is his slave name) to have raised such a goofball?
Score = 2
I don't want to be "that guy" or anything, but this is almost exactly like that episode of The Office when they find Michael's movie script.
Score = 4
Threat Level: Midnight! How perfect.
Score = 0
Chalie Sheen is a "truther". Ha. Yet more proof that actors are morons.
Score = 0
Wow you would think you people would show a little more respect, All we want is the truth about hat happened on 9\11, Finally someone in Hollywood has the balls to say what we all feel and you want to say he is a nut now. What make it so crazy to want a new investigation into the incident which the 9\11 commission has admitted they lied about, or don't you guys keep up on current affairs.? The physics and science behind 9\11 don't add up with the story bottom line, You don't need to be a rocket scientist to understand what happened to the WTC towers when Nanothermite particles are pulled from the rubble. If there were no explosions in those buildings, then how did this nanothermite dust get there, No one is saying that fire can't heat up steel, what we are saying is that if that where the case the the upper floors should have tipped and fallen over not come straight down like an implosion. We are saying no plane hit building 7, yet it mysteriously crumbled into dust. We are saying that according to the 9\11 commission the plane that hit the pentagon was at 600 feet moving 530 mph as it passed the Navy Annex on a north side approch which all winesses and pentagon police confirm, this is alternate to the south side aproch the commission presents to us, so this means that this plane had a total of 4 seconds from the navy annex to drop 600 feet level out hit some light poles and crash into the pentagon, pulling such a move would create upwards of 30g's which would not be sustainable for both pilot or plane. Please see (www.pilotsfor911truth.com). We are saying that a plane traveling at 530mph 6" from the ground hitting the 1st floor slab on grade would cause sever damage to the lawn beneath the plane. Last but not least the official report says that the wings of the plane that hit the pentagon was sliced into pieces as it entered the building leaving all support beams intact, but when it comes to the planes that hit the towers, the official report says the aluminum wings cut the steel support beams in the core of the WTC and pushed out the other side of the tower which can be seen on film without dis forming the nose of the craft. Could that really happen to a normal plane with a composite nose? Visit Architects and engineers for 911 truth here at (www.ae911truth.com) These stories simply do not make sense, If the government has nothing to hide then all they have to do is simply release a video of a plane hitting the pentagon, not the 5 frames of smoke shooting across the lawn which clearly shows nothing at all. Now when there are thousands of architects and engineers, pilots and scholars that all say the math doesn't add up from the official report, then we should start asking questions.
Throughout history governments have lied to their people and used false flag terrorism as a pretext to pass new laws and legislation and at the same time taking away more of our rights in the aftermath of their of their illegal orgy.
Score = -3
aaaaaand deep breath:
Score = 1
Wow you would think you people would show a little more respect, All we want is the truth about hat happened on 9\11, Finally someone in Hollywood has the balls to say what we all feel and you want to say he is a nut now. What make it so crazy to want a new investigation into the incident which the 9\11 commission has admitted they lied about, or don't you guys keep up on current affairs.? The physics and science behind 9\11 don't add up with the story bottom line, You don't need to be a rocket scientist to understand what happened to the WTC towers when Nanothermite particles are pulled from the rubble. If there were no explosions in those buildings, then how did this nanothermite dust get there, No one is saying that fire can't heat up steel, what we are saying is that if that where the case the the upper floors should have tipped and fallen over not come straight down like an implosion. We are saying no plane hit building 7, yet it mysteriously crumbled into dust. We are saying that according to the 9\11 commission the plane that hit the pentagon was at 600 feet moving 530 mph as it passed the Navy Annex on a north side approch which all winesses and pentagon police confirm, this is alternate to the south side aproch the commission presents to us, so this means that this plane had a total of 4 seconds from the navy annex to drop 600 feet level out hit some light poles and crash into the pentagon, pulling such a move would create upwards of 30g's which would not be sustainable for both pilot or plane. Please see (www.pilotsfor911truth.com). We are saying that a plane traveling at 530mph 6" from the ground hitting the 1st floor slab on grade would cause sever damage to the lawn beneath the plane. Last but not least the official report says that the wings of the plane that hit the pentagon was sliced into pieces as it entered the building leaving all support beams intact, but when it comes to the planes that hit the towers, the official report says the aluminum wings cut the steel support beams in the core of the WTC and pushed out the other side of the tower which can be seen on film without dis forming the nose of the craft. Could that really happen to a normal plane with a composite nose? Visit Architects and engineers for 911 truth here at (www.ae911truth.com) These stories simply do not make sense, If the government has nothing to hide then all they have to do is simply release a video of a plane hitting the pentagon, not the 5 frames of smoke shooting across the lawn which clearly shows nothing at all. Now when there are thousands of architects and engineers, pilots and scholars that all say the math doesn't add up from the official report, then we should start asking questions.
Throughout history governments have lied to their people and used false flag terrorism as a pretext to pass new laws and legislation and at the same time taking away more of our rights in the aftermath of their of their illegal orgy.
Score = -5
Don't trust anyone who uses backslashes, you guys.
Score = 5
Solid work, chief. And thanks for posting it twice - took two reads to fully grasp the import of your findings.
Now see what you can do about unraveling the global conspiracy against fucking paragraph breaks.
Score = 2
"PBO - As you wish. Please continue."
but what the president was actually saying was, 'i love you'
Score = 4
This has almost the same writing style as that fantastic Roy Orbison in cling film fan fiction.
http://michaelkelly.artofeurope.com/karl.htm
Score = 0