Do you guys remember Charlie Sheen's bonkers 9/11 fan fiction? Of course you do. Because you printed it out and bound it in leather, and embossed the cover with gold-leaf lettering that reads "Most Important Fiction." That shit was insane, though. Everyone knows that. Doctors were like "Let me give you my diagnosis for free just this once, because I would feel bad taking your money to tell you the obvious: he is a crazy person." Well now he wants you to pretend like he's not a crazy person for the chance to win $14,000 (basically the most money ever, probably) by making a video in which you DRAMATIZE the fan fiction's purported conversation between CHARLIE SHEEN and BARACK OBAMA on the subject of the government's (conspiracy-theorist-endorsed) failure in investigating the true causes behind 9/11! One lucky winner will get $14,000 and the pride of knowing they at least tried to legitimize Charlie Sheen's apparent mental illness!
This is a real thing that is happening! And people be submittin'! Here are a couple of my favorites (SO FAR! I don't want to count out any late entries):
The Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Fan Fiction Contest ended yesterday with the publication of Dafs's heartwarming and also somehow chilling (paradox) story about Kate Gosselin's adventures on the African plains. Please do not forget to read his winning entry.
But Daf's story was just one of the many stories entered. The response to the contest was genuinely overwhelming, considering that the bar for entry was kind of high, and the payoff kind of low. Don't get me wrong, a wig that looks like Kate Gosselin's old haircut (not her sassy [sassy = awful, right?] new Jay Leno haircut) is obviously an incredible prize. The point is: you guys are the best, duh. It seemed inappropriate to only publish one story when there were so many great ones, and some only decent ones. What's true of pizza is true of Kate Gosselin Fan Fiction: there is no such thing as bad pizza. Pizza is delicious. Kate Gosselin fan fiction can obviously go either way.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME! Please read all of the wonderful Kate Gosselin Alternative Adventures here.
Oh wow, speaking of coconuts. Charlie Sheen (Terminal Velocity, Scary Movie 4) recently published a transcript of his 20-minute conversation with President Barack Obama (on a website called Prison Planet, which is how you know it's not going to be completely nuts). As the transcript begins, Charlie Sheen explains that he wanted 30 minutes, but the President's handlers would only allow him 20. Except that Charlie Sheen didn't have any minutes with the President, the whole thing is made up. Which makes the whole wanting 30 minutes but only getting 20 minutes thing particularly crazy because it is make believe. But it turns out that is the least crazy part of this whole crazy thing, because the imagined conversation is mostly about Charlie Sheen's 9/11 conspiracy theories, which is what we in the business call PERFECT. It includes a lot of naturalistic back-and-forth dialog, for example:
Oh finally, I am sick and tired of not being the one who decides when different parts of the mix come in and out (for drama). Why is this guy so bored of his own product? My favorite part is when he says "OK, this is starting to sound good," when all it sounds like is a worse version than the original song. If "all of your friends will be impressed" by this, whoops, you need new friends! You also need a new iPhone. Because I accidentally threw yours in the garbage can. My bad.
P.S. Sachar asks, "Why do they keep making ways for teenagers to be so annoying on the subway?" Gabe responds: "Good question? No, GREAT question. Increasing the annoyance-efficiency of teenagers on the subway is a cottage industry at this point."
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