Who Should Die On TV?
Yesterday, on NY Mag's Vulture Blog, it was reported that Alan Ball is planning on killing a character in the third season of True Blood. Vulture then offered a poll to readers of which character they would most like to see killed off: Bill, Tara, or Andy Bellefleur. D) All of the above. FINAL ANSWER. Unless there is a way to bring Eggs back and kill him a second time. But why stop there? There are so many characters on TV that deserve a make believe bullet through their fantasy faces. Who should die on the TV?
Betty Draper on Mad Men?
-Sure, she is a victim of the times, but she's also kind of a pill. A beautiful, beautiful, heartbreaking pill.
Dan Humphrey on Gossip Girl?
-Seriously, Jigsaw needs to make a stop on the Upper East Side. Dan would love to play a game.
All of the characters on Family Guy?
-Even the dog and the baby? Especially the dog and the baby.
Feel free to nominate your own in the comments. The choice is ours! Kind of! I mean, we can say whatever we want, this is America. Just try to stop us, Communist Hollywood!
UPDATE/CLARIFICATION: Please confine your nominations to FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. There is a time and place for being creeps but this is not it.
Posted by Gabe at 2:35 PM in Everyone's A Critic
Tags: Death | Family Guy | Gossip Girl | Mad Men | True Blood
Eric from Entourage. I've love to see Vince bounce back from that! Smarmy fucking shithead.
Score = 12
I think if Vince were killed off, the series could probably keep going along for many episodes before anyone would notice.
Score = 15
I see your E from "Entourage" and I raise you a DJ Dynasty Handbag (Kenan) from SNL's "Deep House Dish" sketches.
Score = 4
But who would give a shit?
Score = 11
Kel.
Score = 36
Well played.
Score = 0
Oh jesus, I just made the same comment down below. Goddamnit.
Score = 0
The F-ing cheerleader. 'Kill the cheerleader, save TV' I say.
Also why is the kid from the Wire on the picture? That's just uncool Gabe.
Score = 1
Everyone from entourage.....
Score = 2
Kate on Lost. Final season. Make it happen.
Score = 36
Let's not go for the small fry here -- one speargun aimed straight at Jack's stupid whiny face, please. I'm always amazed at how bearable Kate is whenever she's not around him.
Score = -2
I would like to see Jack kill Kate. Then I would like to see Sawyer travel back in time so he can kill Kate before Jack has the chance. Ideally he would then travel further back in time and save Juliet, so that Juliet can trav...you get the idea. It's time travel! Kate doesn't have to only die once!
Score = 12
I'd rather Rufus die over Dan, but I guess the kids need their terrible father around.
Score = 12
Score = -47
You leave my boyfriend alone!
Score = 19
Please confine your nominations to FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. There is a time and place for being creeps but this is not it. --Gabe
My apologies. My joke was in bad taste. Please feel free to delete my previous comment.
Score = 0
I secretly loved it. and downvoted it in hopes that it would be the most-downvoted comment of the week.
Score = 4
you won!
Score = 0
I think I've found the most wonderful loophole in Gabe's "only kill characters" law... we kill this guy* off Flash Forward via actual bullets in prop gun! This would eliminate at least 70% of what's THE WORST in this world!
*for those of you who "totally hate tv", but still inexplicably read videogum--which is something akin to "being on the down low", while you lead your otherwise respectable life with your "intellectual" friends--but don't worry, we'll keep your secret! ...Anyway, this is Seth MacFarworst in his cameo as "FBI Agent" on FF...BULLETS ALL AROUND!
Score = 2
Don't apologize. That was funny. If you're the 2nd guy to post a real name, maybe that's in poor taste. By that point, it's no longer an original gag and you're just wishing death upon somebody. But when you're reading the thread expecting fictional characters and all of a sudden Andy Rooney shows up, that's pretty funny. (Of course, I'm assuming you were going for a joke, and not actually saying that you wish Andy Rooney would die.)
Score = 1
Jon and Kate Plus an Execution Squad
yes please!
Score = 0
Any white guy on NCIS that isn't the main character. They're all douchebags. Get them out of my reruns, USA network. Scrub the episodes of them, I don't care if they're 20 minutes long and nonsensical afterwards.
Pete Campbell on Mad Men shoot catch a bullet with his heart and still live to be a bitch another day.
Jim on The Office, because everyone already knows it's gonna happen.
Score = -11
How about the little fat kid on 2 and a half men? He is still a fat kid, right? The fallout from his death might earn Jon Cryer another Emmy, and that's what we all want.
Score = 30
Andy Cohen, the reality star-adjacent douche from Bravo.
Score = 2
Really? Are we referring to Andy Cohen as a "star" now?
Score = 6
No I think when he calls Cohen "star-adjacent", he's actually calling NeNe a star.
Score = 4
For compassionate reason, Dr. House
Score = 0
My first nominee was going to be Lou Dobbs, but he's a real guy, and I don't really want to see him dead, I was mainly fixated on a morbid question this post put in my head: how many bullets would it take to kill Lou Dobbs? Like, completely hypothetically, but there aren't many people that I see on TV where the question could even arise but it would have to be more than one, right?
Score = 14
What about the guy from The Jay Leno show? What's his name? I dunno...but he's the WORST
Score = 25
Leave Kevin Eubanks alone!
Score = 26
jay leno?
Score = -1
Score = -17
YES. Stanley is the most useless character on the show, other than maybe Meredith.
Score = 0
WHY WOULD YOU KILL WALLACE? WHY?
Score = 17
Why is Gabe pouring salt and lemon juice and sour patch kids all over that wound? It hurts enough already!!! Poor Wallace...
Score = 24
fucking seriously.
i was thinking about rewatching 'the wire' because it was obvs the very best, but i felt like i couldn't handle the pain of losing some of the characters. srsly, i kinda wish i hadn't watched the last episode so i could just imagine everyone living happily ever after...
Score = 0
Cleveland Jr. He's really bringing down "the Cleveland Show".
Score = 23
The Cleveland Show is bringing down The Cleveland Show.
Score = 22
The ghost woman in Desperate Housewives. Shut the hell up! I don't need you to tell me the meaning of friendship.
Score = 14
Ha ha, you watch Desperate Houswives!
Score = 16
I do to. No shame in that!
Score = 1
Yeah i thought i might be sticking my head above the trench on that one.
Score = 1
Jimmy Fallon.
Score = -11
okay okay.. im sorry, not funny.
Score = -2
that therapist on tool academy. retribution for all that badly looped dialog.
Score = 0
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta, so we can rip her wig-mask off to reveal that SHE IS BIG POPPA.
Score = 12
Re: Gabe's clarification, technically Big Poppa is fictional so this is still valid.
Score = 19
Let's not go for the small fry here -- one speargun aimed straight at Jack's stupid whiny face, please. I'm always amazed at how bearable Kate is whenever she's not around him.
Score = -2
Intrigued by Gabe's contrast of asking his loyal readers to comment on who we would like to see bite the proverbial dust, but also including a picture of a character that nobody really wanted to see die at all.
Although, maybe Gabe DID want to see him die, to which I would wag my finger at him and say, "For shame."
(Also, should I have added a spoiler alert in there somewheres?)
Score = 11
Every single person on Scrubs. Even black Scrubs.
Score = 9
Rita from Dexter, obviously. "I raised two children basically by myself while working full time, but now that I am married to a non-drug addict and stopped working I just cannot handle this one baby! Dexter! You already HAD a coffee!"
Score = 32
God, yes. I just wanted Dexter to say I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW AND IF I WANT TWO CUPS OF COFFEE I CAN HAVE THEM.
Score = 1
Rita's annoying but so essential right now! And Julie Benz does a great job.
Score = 0
The Entire Office
Score = -1
Score = 53
that is frightening
Score = 7
Or is it hilarious? I don't know if that squint is supposed to be a wink, but the possibility that that may be what's happening is worthy of laffs.
Score = 4
I think it's both. Plus arousing. I am aroused by this. My pants just got a little tighter. Because of my erection. I have a soft spot for terror sex, which is the only kind of sex one can have with Glenn Beck.
Score = 8
I don't know whether to upvote this or downvote this.
Score = 2
I think we could all have a healthy discussion about Glenn Beck the TV Personality vs. Glenn Beck the Real Personality (GBTVP v. GBRP), because it's honestly difficult calling the man on TV a plausible human being. I think what we're watching is an almost-smart man (GBRP) discovering a lucrative, swimming-in-his-vault-of-pennies-with-a-giant-dollar-sign-on-the-outside televisual role (GBTVP) that says and does things he doesn't actually believe, but because he's almost-smart and not actual-smart, he loses control of the GBTVP so that it overwhelms him (GBRP), until the two personalities bleed into and infect one another, so now you have this awful siamese twin scenario where GBTVP and GBRP share the same heart and separating them would be a mortal, terrible thing. Metaphors. That said, no, it's not OK to wish Glenn Beck dead, because the monster and the human are conjoined, and killing the monster would endanger the human, and, anyway, we as monsters ourselves should know better.
Score = 11
Blah blah blah Glenn Beck Raped and Murdered a Young Girl in 1990 blah blah blah blah blah. Here - have an upvote.
Score = 18
tl;dr
Score = 0
I hate this because I find it hilarious, but I know Glenn Beck is trying to be (intentionally) funny, and I don't want to give Glenn Beck the satisfaction of laughter when he's trying to be (intentionally) funny, so what do I do?
Score = 3
Glen Beck tried to be Stephen Colbert so hard, he actually became him. The question is: when it's no longer done ironically, is it still funny? Now there is someone to laugh at, instead of just laugh with.
Score = 2
Ted on How I Met Your Mother. NOBODY WOULD SEE IT COMING!
Score = 24
How I Met Your Mother...In Heaven. It could work. But they would have to account for the whole procreation thing.
Score = 7
do you know the number to heaven?
Score = 3
having only recently watched the first three episodes of season four of it's always sunny, i will definitively say frank reynolds. and if you disagree, i'd recommend watching season one again.
Score = -4
I disagree. I disagree lots. And I am pretty familiar with season 1. I hate the Frank hate. Danny DeVito has really brought alot to the show and holds his own fine.
Score = 16
Thank you!
Score = 5
I'm on board with that. I preferred the pre-Frank episodes.
Score = -2
Frank's character is extremely loud and obnoxious, which in turn raised the bar and everyone other character was made louder and more boisterous to keep up. Pre-Frank it doesn't feel like everyone is screaming at me.
Score = 4
Have they killed Silas off of Weeds yet?
Score = 2
Turtle. They should kill Turtle. That girl from College should turn out to be a total obsessive Fatal Attraction type who just ice picks all his shoes and then his face.
Score = 9
There's a lot of Entourage hate around here, I notice. Personally, I vote Ari, via mercury poisoning.
Score = 11
Gillie of SNL
Score = 39
I want to upvote this forever and ever.
Score = 3
I see your Gilly and raise you a Deep House Dish.
Score = 3
How about Keenan's French Def Jam comedian Jean K. Jean? I liked it better when I was 10 and it was Pierre Escargot. Enjoy America http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93sxInETZKo
Score = 6
Deep House Dish is played out but will always be amazing, b'okay?
Score = -1
Dawn from Buffy.
If I had a time machine. First real Hitler, then fictional Dawn.
Score = 14
If I had a time machine I would kill Jesus again*, but instead of crucifying him I would ))<>(( -fy him. So all these religious folk would have a lovely ))<>(( symbol around their neck, as their bumper sticker, as a tattoo.
*I would not really kill Jesus, so please don't start shouting at me!
Score = 5
I cannot find proper words to express how much I agree with this. If I had a time machine, Hitler obvs. then bring back evil Willow to destroy Dawn so my hands are clean. Because I don't want the slayer after me. Because Buffy, and Sunnydale and annual apocalypses are definitely real.
Score = 2
i'll see your dawn (UGH), and raise you reilly finn. preferably done in by spike. while spike is not wearing a shirt.
Score = 4
I'm sorry, but Xander... so annoying!
Score = 0
Kimmy Gibbler
Score = 12
Uncle Joey.
CUT IT OUT
Score = 6
Marissa from the O.C.....wait, it's not 2003? WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!
cries tears that taste like existential.
Score = 18
I'm so glad I don't watch TV. I don't have to care about any fictional person, I don't have to spend hours on Hulu. Life is good [TV-wise. Life is not always good.]
Score = -33
I feel bad for downvoting you, but I live in a city where any conversation about a show leads to at least one person scoffing, "I don't own a TV" with such smug condescension that you wanna Clockwork-Orange their eyes open in front of a Real Housewives marathon. Oh, but of course they still need to say The Wire is the best show in the history of television. You can't have your TV-hating cake and eat it too, Smuggy McMonocle!
You probably don't think you're better than me because you don't have a TV, but I've met far too many people who do.
Score = 32
I don't watch much TV, but I kind of say that about the Wire often. I don't say its the best TV show ever, because who's seen every TV show. But I do say that taken as a whole it is one of the most moving and comprehensive pieces of art I have ever taken in. And I have a hard time thinking of something in any genre that is better. I think that might be more pretentious, so I'm letting you off easy Napoleon Complex and I'm not downvoting you.
Score = 0
I got the impression most monsters lived in places full of such jerks, and that's why it's mostly always goodpalsgum around here, a place where we can discuss TV freely and without (too much) judgment.
People who are too good for television are the worst. Also they're missing out on fun like this game.
Score = 17
I don't have a TV either, but I rarely dare mention it for fear of looking pretentious. I'm also a closeted Grammar Nazi, but some things are just shitstorm-magnets.
I do watch a lot of internet though.
Score = 4
Oh, hey. I am in no way trying to come off as an annoying hipster who shuns TV. That's not it! I do own a TV. I don't watch TV because I'm sick and depressed and lazy, and watching TV just bums me out more. I don't have time to watch TV because I sleep most of the day. That's all. Sorry it offends any of y'all...
Score = -4
Stop making me feel bad for you!
Score = 3
I will guilt-trip you till you love me, faggot.
Score = 4
Don't feel bad. That comment was like going to the weed room at a party to talk about how you don't smoke weed and so things are good, weed-wise.
Score = 7
I don't feel bad downvoting you at all.
Score = 17
I enjoyed downvoting you, until I realized that you are but a child, and then I really enjoyed downvoting you. No homo.
Score = 15
as a person who owns 12 TVs and single handedly skews the American TV hrs/per/week up I have to say, you really don't know what you are missing!
While you are knitting sweaters for homeless penguins in the park, I'm inside tirelessly watching FlashForward (and taking notes) that would save your ass should we all lose conscionseness for 3 minutes and have dreams about what might happen in the future.
Don't come crawling to me for answers if that happens!
Score = 11
I wouldn't terribly mind Walt's son Walt Jr. getting killed on Breaking Bad, if Walt's going to live through this cancer it might just be the twisted life event to really push him over the edge. For comedy shows I`d like to see Bobbie killed off of Party Down and have Constance come back.
Score = 2
Your Breaking Bad concept is uncomfortably awesome.
Score = 0
Spencer and Heidi from The Hills*. Preferably in a remote area of a third-world country where no one would notice or care that they were gone.
*In my defense, they are non-fictional people. These people cannot exist in a logical universe. I'm 99% sure they're projected monsters created from the fears of our inner psyche ala Jacob's Ladder.
Score = 6
All of the Cavemen in the Geico commercials
Score = 7
I hope you are specifically excluding the Cavemen from the TV show. Because if you are not, well you can shut up now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well shut up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Nick Kroll, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first! I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said!
Score = 3
Let Me Be Myself!
Score = 11
Every citizen from Cougartown.
Score = 9
Now that's not fair. You should just kill the cougars only. There doesn't have to be any bystanders in this horrible MILF war.
Score = 0
Why has nobody said Vanessa yet? People could leave Criterion Collection DVDs on her grave that she never got a chance to see but totally said she was going to at some point. It would be sad and touching.
Score = 8
I'm gonna go with Andy or Terry Bellefleur on True Blood. Andy's voice irritates me in a way that Gilbert Gottfried's irritates me. On Gossip Girl, I think they should get rid of Vanessa. That bitch is the WORST.
Score = 2
John F Kennedy in Mad Men. If it's July, 1963 in the show that should happen by the end of the season, right?
Everyone on Law & Order: Criminal intent. Except Jeff Goldblume. I mean literally everyone on earth in the show. Then it will be "The Last Jeff Goldblume on Earth" and I think that's what everyone wants. It's what everyone needs?
Summer Glau in Dollhouse. Why arn't you talking about this great show, Gabe? It's Beautiful and funny and still there is plenty to make fun of. Even if it is doomed to be cancelled. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Score = 4
Wait, you want to kill Summer Glau off on Dollhouse? Isn't that a bit premature? She hasn't even appeared on it yet.
Score = 2
Kenny from South Park.
Score = 13
Donkey Lips. Hated him.
Score = -5
I hope you are specifically excluding the Cavemen from the TV show. Because if you are not, well you can shut up now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well shut up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Nick Kroll, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first! I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said!
Score = 2
sigh. This was supposed to be in response to sarcasticmeow.
Score = 0
Have a found another Gummer obsessed with Nick Kroll????
My love for his work knows no bounds.
The Caveman stuff, not so much, but a love that burns so bright will take more than a prominent brow to dim.
Score = 3
The two old ladies who squeeze Basil Fawlty's arms when they always see him - they should definitely die because they are really very pointless characters and let's admit, their characters have come as far as they could and they are doing absolutely nothing for this show. When they appear I always go, "Great, another scene with the two old hags." If either Cleese or Booth wants to renew this show for a third season with more air time, he/she should consider killing that pair of crones.
Score = 11
Johnny Drama on Entourage. He is the WORST. He has exactly zero redeeming qualities. I hate him so much.
Score = 3
Sportscaster guy from One tree Hill (face). All girls next door, past and present, (okay they may exist in real life, but they are made out of mostly non-person parts). Also, I read this site everyday, but I do not know what ))>(( means!! Somebody please tell me.
Score = 2
Don't have the link to the original post, but here's the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQoJo81lujk
Score = 2
One thousand thank yous.
Score = 2
Meadow and AJ on the Sopranos. I always thought at least one of them would get it, a la Godfather 3 where the boss's kids are taken out as some sort of karmic retribution for their father's misdeeds. Plus Meadow was a whiny bitch and AJ sucked.
Either that, or a jealous Jamie could murder Turtle and then turn the knife on herself.
Score = 3
Sorry, I meant ))>((. What does this represent? I have been staring at it like one of those magic-eye posters trying to figure it out.
Score = 1
I'll get you started: it's from the movie "me and you and everyone we know."
Score = 1
NOT WALLACE! I cried when they shot him. The Wire should be resurrected just to resurrect him.
Score = 2
Bert Cooper. Not because I don't love his character to bits (I do: "He's a bit of an eccentric, isn't he?") but because OH MAN that would be a crazy development without completely shaking the foundation of the show.
Score = 5
You mean anything ever happening on Mad Men ever?
Score = -3
are we talking about the same show? the one where a guy's foot gets cut (SPOILER) off?
Score = 0
Horatio from CSI. Most. Annoying. Cop. Ever.
Score = 4
Gummers Rule! I learn things I never wanted to know.....
The secret origin of the internet's rectum symbol, I'm through my own looking glass now people......
Many Skanx,
Just N
PS I like to think that everyone on TV dies when I change the channel to something else(PS3)
Score = 2
I know gossip girl needs to kill of Dan.. or Vanessa.. but I vote Jenny.
She makes me look away from the screen. Well, when I used to watch GG...
Score = 0
I vote for Sookie. She's insufferable. Send Chris and Snoop so you know it gets done.
Score = 7
They'll ask her "who Young Leek be?" and before she can read their thoughts for the answer, she'll be on the ground
Score = 1
after yesterdays episode of Gossip GIrl, im going to say Lily Vanderwoodson.
and SLOANE. because NO MORE entourage writers, NO MORE.
Score = 1
Quinn on Dexter. And I hope John Lithgow kills him while naked in the bathtub.
Score = 8
sexy
Score = 0
I'm on season 2 of The Wire and I totally think they need to kill off that Stringer Bell character. He's just too big for his britches.
Score = 4
going for most downvotes this week, eh? I'm not biting. Upvote!
Score = 1
I vote for Doug on Flight of the Conchords, then Mel could be even more creepy!
Also, Susie Greene on Curb, because I can only handle one Larry David, I don't need the angry female version.
Score = -3
the free credit report.com band. the whole band.
Score = 14
Stacy's mom. What a polanski.
Score = 6
you're just jealous because you don't have it going on!
Score = 4
Patty Mayonnaise's father, Chad. I hope he takes a long roll off a short ramp and joins his wife in hell.
Score = 12
I always wanted all of the bureaucrats in The Wire to die. That way the Good people could really make a difference. Also Joey from the show 'Joey' but maybe he is already dead because I dont see his show anymore. And also Blossom.
Score = 1
whoa.
Score = 1
Don't worry though! Thanks to the success of the Sex and the City movie we are going to be treated to a Friends movie too!
Score = 0
Kill Pam. Bring some shocking real world drama to the show and it will go down in history. Or Michael, he could win a Darwin Award.
Score = 3
Kenny from South Park
Score = -5
I just wonder how his friends would react, y'know?
Score = -2
Larry David as long as it was quick and effective. No hollywood death where he gets a chance to speak, grunt, or even look at the camera... you know just in case he is smizing.
Score = -2
can we nominate entire seasons of shows? like, seasons 2 - 7 of six feet under? because woof. way to make me hate EVERYONE on that show, alan ball.
Score = -1
? six feet under had 5 seasons... and all of them were pretty decent.
Score = 0
Score = 5
I upvoted you just because of your amazing Toby icon.
While on the topic of Degrassi, I would axe Emma Nelson. She would succumb to her anorexia, gonorrhea-by-way-of-blow-job-in-the-ravine, and pot brownies.
Score = 0
PC from NYC Prep. Which would involve really killing him. Bonus!
Score = 1
Elmo. I fucking hate Elmo.
Score = 1
if i were given a superpower of my choice, i would choose the ability to upvote one videogum comment as much as i wanted. and that comment would be this one. it would probably be a waste of a superpower opportunity, but it would be well worth it.
Score = 2
ugh i'm a buttered popcorn flavored dum dum. meant to reply to ber's comment on kate from lost. here's to hoping no one scrolls down this far!
Score = 0
It's going to be Tara's mom. Nobody just gets to stop being an alcoholic. THAT'S NOT (Fictional) REALITY!
Score = 1
Frank Reynolds...Always Sunny.
Score = 0
Score = 2
The entire cast of 90210 with the exception of Shena Grimes who just has to go back to Degrassi... which is a kind of death.
Score = 0
EVERYONE
Score = 0
TIMMY "UNDERWEAR-MODEL" RIGGINS
Score = 0
TIMMY "UNDERWEAR-MODEL" RIGGINS
Score = 0
TIMMY "UNDERWEAR-MODEL" RIGGINS
Score = 0
all animated characters on fox?
Score = 1