Nice Try, Michael Bay
Early reviews of Transformers 2 have been coming out all week, and it seems almost unanimous that this is probably if not the best movie ever made, then at least the most thoughtful and intelligent. Variety gave it four Tweed Blazers, its highest honor, and the Hollywood Reporter said it "is like Albert Einstein but a movie." Meanwhile, in Empire's review of the movie (via FilmDrunk, Gawker), an exciting new detail about the Decepticons* is unveiled:
A notable moment occurs during the dementedly frenetic final act of Transformers 2. A robot-on-robot fracas is unfolding around Egypt's Giza Necropolis, with Devastator, an especially massive mechanoid comprised of several construction vehicles, set on clawing its way to the peak of a pyramid. As it lumbers up the dusty colossus, a shot tilts up to its mid-section, revealing two wrecking balls dangling down. Yes, Michael Bay, the man who brought us cyber-micturition in this movie's predecessor, has one-upped himself: Decepticon testicles.
You just know that Michael Bay had a giggle fit when he thought of that one. He ordered a round of high fives for the bar, and then masturbated himself to climax in his race car bed. But the thing is, that's not even clever. Not just because of the obvious reason, which is that it's not. But also because of the reason that this already exists.
It is called Truck Nutz, and it is retarded.
Thank you, illustrative example photo, for providing dates that show just how long this (terrible) joke has been (especially) outdated and lame. Michael Bay, you got scooped by the world's worst thing! I'm going to make a rear window decal of Calvin peeing on Michael Bay and I am going to put that rear window decal on the back of my Optimus Prime. And then I'm going to drive donuts in SPACE.
*As an adult, it pains me to type the word Decepticons. But I am a professional, and I will do what my job requires.
Posted by Gabe at 5:30 PM in Everyone's A Critic, Spoilers
Tags: Megan Fox | Michael Bay | Penises | Robots | Shia LaBeouf | Transformers 2
I want to slam Michael Bay's HEAD into a wall.
Score = 1
Why don't you slam Michael Bay's Decepticles into the wall, instead?
Score = 43
The sacrifices you make for us Gabe.
Clap......clap.....clap....clap...clap..clap.clapclapclapclap*
*(Slowclap y'all)
Score = -8
I was being serious...
:(
Score = 19
Michael Bay is all about the details.
Score = 8
this movie is going to go over so well in my hometown.
:(
Score = 7
Transformers: more than meets the balls.
Score = 24
Wonkette is on line 1.
But you miss the point. The testicles are wrecking balls. Since Devastatron (or whatever) is made of construction equipment. TruckNutz are just.... nuts. Once again the whimsical genius of Michael Bay escapes you.
Score = -7
truck nuts are just the classiest. one time i was going to buy a limousine, but i opted to buy a pair of truck nuts instead.
really though, check out this SUV i took a picture of a few months back
god bless texas!
Score = 28
10/04/06 was my sixteenth birthday. It's now tainted. Thanks.
Score = 10
ha, you said taint.
Score = 29
yep, that's the joke.
Score = 7
the use of the word "taint" seems very necessary.
Score = -2
Here's how I imagine this scene unfolding:
BALLBOT takes Optimus Prime's gigantic sunglasses, crushes them in his hands.
OPTIMUS: "Those were 5 Million Dollar Sunglasses, Asshole"
OPTIMUS kicks BALLBOT in the BALLS
Score = 26
I just read "Those were 5 Million Dollar Sunglasses, Asshole" in Optimus' voice, and that elicited a smile. Good work.
Score = 2
Jason Stackhouse haz those nutz on his pick-em up truck.
Score = 4
Transformers Production Meeting:
Score = 83
That caption and photo has made my day. Bless you.
Score = 0
"He ordered a round of high fives for the bar, and then masturbated himself to climax in his race car bed."
I'm now envisioning Michael Bay as Milhouse.
Score = 9
You mean Kirk. "Do YOU sleep in a race car bed?" "No I sleep in a big bed with my wife."
Score = 7
I'm really trying to wrap my my head around this one. I got it. Micheal Bay is secretly a terminally ill 7th grader and the folks at the make a wish foundation bawwwwwwed so much that they allowed him to make movies. It's either that or modern cinema is run by those kids in elementary school who tried to compete over who can say the word boob the loudest without getting in trouble. Or it's both. Honestly, I'm not sure.
Score = 4
Somewhere in Los Angeles, there's a young aspiring filmmaker who's spent nearly two years of his life perfecting his screenplay. He poured his soul into it, and it nearly bankrupt him as he pushed away everyone he loves for the completion of this work. The story asks some fundamental, yet elusive questions about the nature of the self-aware man. It tackles the futility of existence in the shadow of death. He even gets into the subjectivity of 4th dimensional perception without slowing down the plot or confounding the audience. It's heady and multi-layered, yet unpretentious. It's alternately heartbreaking, thought-provoking, and hilarious - often within the same scene. It's one of the most provocative works to come from a young mind in generations.
So this young genius is pushing his script around town, and he's attracted significant interest from several of the big studios. One day, he gets a call from his agent. It seems that Dreamworks might be interested in making a deal. The film would require a decent-sized budget to do it justice, so this is a major coup. That night, the young man celebrates with his friends, content that his years of hard work and personal sacrifice have finally paid off. This story will be told, and maybe, just maybe, someone out there might be better off for having seen it.
The next day, he puts on his best clothes and meets his agent in the Dreamworks lot. It seems everything's set to go, crew has been assembled, some locations have been scouted, and some high-profile actors have shown interest in the leads. While in the waiting room, a well-dressed man approaches them with a sullen expression.
"We're here to see Mr. Katzenberg", the young man says.
"Yes, yes I understand. Mr. Katzenberg sent me to inform you that Dreamworks is perhaps not the best home for your movie."
"Wha... I don't understand. I thought everything was a go."
"Well it was, but then we ran into a snag. It seems a highly-valued director needed additional funding for a summer tentpole, and we just can't release that film unless everything is absolutely perfect. I apologize, and I hope you understand."
The young genius is stunned, deflated. Unsure of what to say, he opens his mouth.
"Could you at least tell me what this 'additional funding' was for."
"Well, it seems that Mr. Bay thought a robot needed some robot testicles, and this franchise is such an asset that we need to give him whatever he needs."
"Robot testicles?"
"Robot testicles."
Score = 51
That was majestic. Thank you, kind sir.
Score = 3
Drew Carey reminds everyone to have their robots spayed or neutered.
Score = 13
The problem isn't that he stole it. The problem is that the people who own Truck Nutz are going to think the Decepticles joke is hilarious. That's why Michael Bay keeps getting work. The Truck Nutz crowd love him. They're a very powerful force in Ball(s)ywood.
Score = 25
Are these robo-balls his answer to McG's genital gauntlet throwing? If they are, then Mr. Bay deserves a cocaine apple... strawberried.
Score = 5
I live in the land of Ohio State University, and have had the unfortunate experience of seeing a trailer hitch covered by a mini Brutus Buckeye with those Truck Nutz hanging underneath so as to appear that the testicles belonged to him. :(
Score = 3
I just moved away from there--last week, in fact. It appears not a moment too soon.
Score = 2
I'm sorry that you live in Columbus; I've been there and I know how much it sucks.
Score = 1
Score = 10
Really? A man-sized nutsack isn't kosher?
Score = 1
"Melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
Say what you will, but he's a product placement genius.
Score = 3
Y'all are still fags,
Score = -14
I think I speak for everyone here when I ask that you not use that word. Ironically or not, it's in poor taste. Thank you.
Score = -6
"BUMBLENUTS!!!!"
Score = 5
Am i the only one that had to look up micturition? It means peeing. you're welcome.
Score = 4
I always thought Truck Nutz were hilarious, and I once got really excited that there was a product called Bike Nutz, but it turned out they are for motorcycles. :( I think they should also have a product for female inline skaters called RollerBloobz.
Score = 0
Michael bay haters are so silly. They could just pick up a camera, even a handycam, and make a film-you know put their talent where their mouth is. Instead, their envy has no outlet except the internet message boards. They spend so much time ranting and raving at home in their mother's basement typing nonsense on the computer, and, in the end, it will not make any difference. The majority of the movie going public loves Michael Bay's movies!
Score = -1