Whoever Writes The DVR Descriptions For FEARnet Is A Straight Genius, Son
The shortest short story in existence is widely recognized to be one written by the Guatemalen writer Augusto Monterroso (RIP, Never Forget). It reads:
"Upon waking, the dinosaur was still there."
Fair enough. Monterroso is in heaven now, regaling the angels with the shortest anecdotes. But whoever is writing the FEARnet DVR descriptions of horror movies is also a master of short form writing, and should win some kind of award for being the best. These things are nuts. Six more after the jump. Each one better than the last (as if there's anything better than perfect). Have fun!
This one is my favorite.
Incredible. Whoever writes these is a total champion.
I wish the guy who wrote the FEARnet DVR descriptions was my dad. (Thanks for the tip, Rebecca.)
Previously: SPOILER ALERT: This Is Hilarious
Posted by Gabe at 10:45 AM in DVR Descriptions
Tags: Fear | LOLk
Ahem...
My six word short story is far more widely recognized as the shortest short story in existence...
"For sale: Baby shoes. Never used"
(RIP, Self)
Score = 33
You have never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
Score = 1
To be a pedantic ass, the actual quote ends with "...never worn." Not "used." Worn.
Score = 1
If I was allowed to watch horror movies, I would definitely watch all of these.
Score = 6
Make this a regular feature!
Score = 15
Close battle, but my vote goes to Christmas Tale.
And only 71 minutes?!
Score = 5
Ah, but it'll be the best 71 minutes you spend all day. At least they didn't cut it down to 52 minutes, like that American remake of Dangerous Cousins.
Score = 7
How do I get this job?
Score = 4
Those are incredible. I like the one for Blob best, I think.
Score = 5
2nd The Blob
I wanna get this FearNet channel :(
Score = 3
omg i've been noticing how the FEARnet descriptions sound like they were written by a sixth grader for ages now. my boyfriend and i would read them out loud for a laugh.
Score = -7
Christmas Tale and baby's Room are from a Series of Spanish movies called: "6 Películas Para No Dormir" (6 Movies To Keep You Awake or something)...this guy really makes you want to watch them!
Score = 3
Christmas Tale and baby's Room are from a Series of Spanish movies called: "6 Películas Para No Dormir" (6 Movies To Keep You Awake or something)...this guy really makes you want to watch them!
Score = -1
I wish they worked for Netflix.
Score = 5
I reeeeeeeeeally want to watch Baby's Room and hire who ever writes these to be my big brother.
Score = 4
this guy is so much better than the jerk who works for hbo and tries to convince me that baby geniuses is a "hilarious, new family classic"
Score = 12
Why he gotta be a guy?
Score = 17
Oh, sure, I post that you should check out all the FEARnet movie descriptions a month ago, but it takes a tip from Rebecca to convince you.
I am so persona non listenedtoa.
Score = 12
duuuude you totally gave me the idea, but I'm psyched they used my tip.
Score = 4
... I feel okay about that, then.
Score = 8
MY TV IS ON VIDEOGUM !!! my shitty television is totally internet-famous now.
Score = 3
Internet famous means your TV qualifies for an MTV dating show.
Score = 10
Your TV is gonna date Julia Alison for the next 6 months.
Score = 1
Actually, the short story is: "For Sale: Baby shoes, never worn"
You should really know your own work, Ernest. All those years in the grave can't have affected you that much.
Score = 10
Oh, damn. This was meant to be a reply to Mr. Hemingway up there. Commenting FAIL.
Score = 8
btw - I LOVE grizzly man for that champion fox clip.
Score = 4
FEARnet mystery science theater. starring this guy. count me in.
Score = 5
is it just me or does this dude (person) sound like a less smarmy Gabe? maybe Gabe in 1973???
Score = 9
Well, it's good to know the person who wrote the summaries on the backs of Goosebumps books is managing to stay afloat even in this economy.
Score = 10
GENIUS.
This so needs to be a regular feature. We will all cry when the guy is fired :(
Score = 1
I feel like Gabe wrote these.
Score = 2
Word. Straight Genius, Realz. I love that this person probably just LOLs in their dreary office/cubicle while all their coworkers are all "how are you today Grant?" and then all "I dunno Margerie, about that Grant kid. It's like he's got some secret life or something" meanwhile he's a straight genius knowing that somewhere out there, someone else is LOLing too. It's a gift. To the silent world outside.
Have fun!
Score = 4
Gabe are you in the new york area? Where can you get comcast here? I have been relegated to cable HELL with io/cablevision or time warner.
Score = 0
gah!
ill marry whoever writes these!
unless its someone over 40, or a midget (midgets are still cool though.. ahem, little people)
wait, nevermind i wouldnt marry to whoever writes these. WHO WRITES THESE?!
Score = 1
Comcast writes similarly tongue in cheek (ahem) movie descriptions for its adult content... Consider posting some of those.
Score = 2
i love you...
Score = 0
I actually thought I was the only one out there reading these. I've never actually watched a free FEARNET movie but I have read every goddamned description.
Score = 0