Now You, Too, Can Receive A Depressing Voicemail From Mr. Belding
Tipster Sally points us to the website HollywoodIsCalling, and our minds are immediately shattered. First of all, the mission statement:
Hollywood Is Calling was created to make it possible for people all across the globe to be inspired and entertained by live phone calls from actual celebrities. As most modern day celebrities are unique in their ability to affect and enhance the lives of others we thought this service would be an extraordinary opportunity to make that possible on a global scale.In addition to being tremendously accomplished the one thing all the celebrities we choose for this service have in common is [ed. note: access to a phone?] an unprecedented appreciation for their growing legion of fans.
Hollywood Is Calling is dedicated to enhancing the lives of people everywhere with the kind of magic, motivation and fun that can be created when a
real celebrity calls you.To Bookmark This Website Hit Ctrl+D
Someone set up a service where you can buy phone calls from celebrities? Oh gosh. This can't end well.
For one thing, why does the site look like this:
The web designer for Jukt Micronics saw this website and was like "ew."
But, so, OK, let's get INSPIRED! Who are some of the exciting celebrities on offer?
- Lou Ferrigno from The Incredible Hulk
- Larry Holmes from Boxing (20th Century)
- Alex Michael from The Bachelor
- Joseph Gannascoli from playing Vito Spatafore on The Sopranos
- Jon Provost from Lassie and The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
- Someone named Tommy Habeeb
It's like they always say, shoot for the stars and you might just land on someone named Tommy Habeeb.
Look, I know that everyone just needs to put food on their families, but this is some dismal shit.
Of course, these days, the only way for a business to survive is to evolve. Why limit yourself to phonecalls from celebrities when you can literally make your own camera out of a Walkman and some paraffin and have them tape INSPRIATIONAL videos in their rape basement? THE FUTURE IS NOW:
The video cuts out at the end because that's when we all killed ourselves.
Posted by Gabe at 11:15 AM in Dream Merch
Tags: Celebrities | Clinical Depression | Dennis Haskins | Hollywood Is Calling | Mr. Belding | Saved By The Bell
Twenty bucks?? I was so close to ordering a Lou Ferrigno phone call when I assumed it would be $1.99.
Score = 13
He's deaf (or 80% deaf, whatever) so I can't imagine the call would be that great to begin with.
Score = 5
Can I have Jason Alexander record the George Costanza's Greatest American Hero answering machine message?
Score = 15
Hi Mom, I know I've been too busy to call and...Yep, I know last week was your birthday... uh-huh...uh-huh...Ok, mom. If I can just interrupt you for a second, I think I have the thing that can make this all better. Mom, I have conferenced in here a major celebrity who wants to wish you a happy belated. That's right, Mom, it's star of "The Circuit" & "Circuit 2: The Final Punch." Say hello to your 1987 World Kickboxing Champion: Olivier Gruner!
Score = 27
After scouring the website, I officially have no idea who most of those people are. That being said, I'm planning on having Mr. Belding make a $300 Live Telephonic Appearance at my next fundraiser.
Score = 3
Also, should I take motivational tips from Mr. Belding because he's worked hard to get where he's "gotten", or because he hasn't worked hard and, therefore, hard work will surely ensure that I won't have to make humiliating phone calls/videos in the future?
Score = 10
The Michael Jackson Celebrity Menagerie 20 years later.
Score = 8
If by "Hollywood is Calling" they mean "Somebody you've never heard of but needs money to support their inevitable drug habit is Calling" then yeah, sure.
Score = 3
New Mr. Belding looks like he ate Old Mr. Belding.
Score = 11
The way he reads his cues cards is distracting from his "message". I mean, this is your first paying job in how long, Mr. Belding? You couldn't learn the lines?
Score = 2
Lisa, it's your birthday!
Score = 8
I love the part of Butch Patrick's entry that informs you that he "Appeared As Eddie Wolfgang Munster In What Many Experts Believe Is One Of The Greatest Television Shows Ever" Presumably there will be a lot of customers who would be put off by the show title but would be happy to give up their money for somebody who wasn't just on television but was in What Many Experts Believe Is One Of The Greatest Television Shows Ever He must be one of the greats and not just that kid off The Munsters.
Score = 9
Cuba Gooding Jr. is wearing Michael Jordan's underpants, so he's busy.
Score = 0
Oh no.
Score = 0
Isn't Tommy Habeeb the original host of epic tv show "Cheaters"? I believe he was responsible for that shows fame before that backstabbing slimeball Joey Greco took over. DAMN YOU GRECO!!! At least that's what some loser who has actually watched the show told me. I wouldn't know either way, of course.
Score = 7
I appreciate the celebrities who put a photo of their "famous" selves to save me a step.
Someone's mom thinks this is a great idea for "hard to buy for" TV buffs!
Score = 2
This one's my favorite: Anthony Forrest--Star Wars (Appeared As The Stormtrooper That Said These Are Not The Droids We Are Looking For)
THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS WE ARE LOOKING FOR!! I want to give that guy $300.
Score = 6
yikes.
Score = 0
Gabe,
I'm pretty sure the answer to your "worst movie ever" quest is hidden among the credits of the Hollywood is calling crew.
Score = 1
The same people are also behind http://www.celebritydatingnetwork.com/
Some real gems, including its mission statement: "The Celebrity Dating Network allows you to date actual celebrities, people who resemble celebrities, or just find someone who looks like your ex."
Also: "Sometimes the best way to mend a broken heart is to find someone who looks just like your ex." WHAT?
Score = 1
Lou Ferrigno? Why am I not surprised...
Score = 0
Apparently, Eric Nies is unavailable today. Mr. Bigshot.
Score = 1
I actually received a call from Mr. Belding for my birthday as a gift from a friend one year. The saddest thing about it? Dennis Haskins acknowledges that he wasn't my first choice for a celebrity call. (Obvious, yes, but I still felt for the guy.) He then wishes me a happy birthday from my "second favorite '80s star."
Score = 0