July 28, 2008

The 10 Celebrity Wax Figures I Would Least Like To Have A Beer With

I've never understood wax figures. That's not entirely true. I might have understood them when I was seven. When I was seven, the idea of a candle being made to look like Meg Ryan was probably very exciting. But once you go to college and major in Candle Technologies, you can't really have the same sense of childlike wonder about these types of things. So it now seems impossible to me that someone (Madame Tussaud) has managed to amass a fortune out of Play-Doh. Maybe this would have been acceptable before there were cameras, when everyone was recreated in wax so that our distant relatives would have a terribly inaccurate idea of what we look like (that's what things were like, look it up at history.biz). And the truth of the matter is I don't even want my picture taken with the real life Colin Farrell, much less a highly flammable effigy of him. No, wax figures are a FAIL. There. I said it. Someone finally took a stand against Big Wax.

After the jump, 10 celebrity wax figures and jokes about how stupid they are.

George Clooney

Care to join me for a plastic glass of wax champagne? Give me your hand. Do you feel that clammy, lifelessness? Electric! I have a wax boner.

John Travolta

AHHHHHH. If it was possible for a wax figure to go crazy and kill all the other wax figures, this would be the wax figure the wax police would want to talk to first.

Julia Roberts

This is a wax figure of a woman named Julia Roberts. She was a famous movie actress in the 1900s. She kind of looked like this.

Lindsay Lohan

For the Lindsay Lohan statue, in order to get it just right, they didn't use a picture of the actress herself but rather a photo of a 37 year-old woman from Jersey who used to work in PR.

Nicolas Cage

No comment. Oh wait, one comment: I bet it was easy to get a wig for this wax figure that looked just like Nicolas Cage's real wig.

Samuel L. Jackson

Poor Samuel L. Jackson. When people come to the wax museum they are promised a tour of wondrous life-like figures, like this one, but obviously better. This one you can see for free.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

The wax figure of Sarah Michelle Gellar is such a bitch.

Simon Cowell

I really can't deal with the hair on Simon Cowell's wax figure's arms. Someone had to carefully make sure the hair on his wax arms looked just right. Also see: the face.

Susan Sarandon

For the wax figure of Susan Sarandon we just settled on a natural human pose. We wanted it to be as lifelike as possible, so we picked a normal pose that people do with their bodies all the time.