The Almighty Cleanse: The Grossest Christian Infomercial Ever
WARNING: These highlights from an interview/infomercial on Christian TV starring a "Christian Health Evangelist" and kind of Music Man of holy colon cleansing are totally disgusting. But since these aired on Christian TV, and are amazing and hilarious and totally weird and gross, they belong here. They used to use sex to sell everything. Now they're using God to sell everything. Remember: Jesus wants you to re-educate your colon!
Meet Danny Vierra. He "passed a nest full of worms when (he) was 28 years old." Follow him and give him money:
Danny's completely full-of-shit, pun intended, revelations of colon cleanses that happened in the Bible, including Jesus touching clay, which for some reason counts as a colon cleanse:
And there's one more that I can't bring myself to embed because it (and its screencap) are of someone holding actual crap that came out of them and Jesus Christ, noooo, I will not have that here, but if you must see it, here it is, you're on your own: "Encrusted Fecal Matter."
This whole thing brings new humorous meaning to Kurt Vonnegut's famous quote "If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
Posted by Lindsay at 12:00 PM in Commercials, Gross
Tags: Christian | Christians | Cleanse | Infomercials | Jesus
holy effing SHIT
Score = 3
What time is it? Lunch time? Perfect.
Score = 11
"Crawling back to the cave." WHY WOULD HE CHOOSE TO SAY IT THAT WAY?!
Score = 14
I hope they are teaching these stories to children in bible school. I don't know what craft project they would have the kids make to illustrate and reinforce the lesson about the oozing groin-sore, but I bet it would blow all of those popsicle-stick crosses out of the water.
Score = 5
I don't think this only shows on Christian television, as I'm pretty sure I've seen it on other channels. And the whole time I was like WTF.
Score = 2
12 years of catholic school and they never told me i need regular colon cleanses in jesus' name? damn, i got played. thank sweet, manger-dwelling baby jesus for danny vierra.
Score = 5
That's it. I don't believe in the Bible but we really need one of these Apocalypse's they're so fond of to wipe some of these folks. Burn it to the ground!
Score = 3
"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."
-Ezekiel 4:12
Score = 4
My favorite part about this infomercial (I stayed up watching it once until 3 in the morning) is during some bits they'll overlay a googled image for almost EVERY SINGLE WORD they say.
example:"The Mighty Cleanse [image of product] leaves you pure [pristine lake] and free [unlocked padlock] of the harmful waste [ugly gunk] that is retained [bloated person] in the colon [colon] for countless years [calander]..."
And so on and so forth.
Score = 8
he needs to go on colbert.
Score = 2
1:27 - "enemas is a wonderful therapeutic tool"
AND HE MEANS IT!
Score = 2
I really wish I could stop thinking of the phrase "nest of worms." But I just can't.
Score = 5
I bet hes got a huge following in Africa.
Score = 2
i guess the saving-myself-for-marriage crowd finally wised up to the fact that the back door does, in fact, count.
Score = 3
Yup, no more figs for me. Ever.
Score = 2
Hmm, Daniel does 10 days of raw foods and has "dreams and visions?" sounds like sleep deprivation- and starvation-induced hallucination.
And I love how he's selling it as a quick and easy thing. Because Jesus died so you could have a quick easy life. By which I mean this guy needs to die, and soon.
Score = 3
It is $69 dollars
Score = 1
you quoted kurt?
lindsay marry me!
Score = 1
The pinworm bit reminds me of a song I wrote when I was 19. "If a pinworm had a brain/do you think it would follow Nietzche?/ Would it go to school at NYU or Tulane?/Would it get a degree just to eatcha?"
Score = 1
The Jesus quote is not from Kurt Vonnegut. As I recall, it was uttered by a character (played by Max von Sydow) in Woody Allen's "Hannah And Her Sisters."
Score = 1
I had worms when I was a kid. They were awesome!!
Score = 0
I like the above thought. The things which are mentioned are wonderful and doesn't require any further addition.
Tia smith
Evercleanse product
Score = 0
I don't wish death on him , but he is full of sh_t in many ways. Lets face it, he's a huxster, a snake oil salesman. He is a phony, a very rich one too. He has other agendas' as well. Danny is full of hate and unChristian. I don't know what motivates his hate, but who needs it? Who does he think he is? The anti-christ?
Score = 0