Yesterday, Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman's reps announced that the comedy power couple had broken up after five years. Hopefully the breakup was mutual and the two are mending their broken hearts by making separate scrapbooks of their relationship in happier times, doing yoga, and perhaps reading Eat, Pray, Love. Last night's Jimmy Kimmel Live was, disappointingly, a repeat, but he comes back live tonight and the question on everyone's (my) mind is this: Will Jimmy talk about it? (Probably not.) Will he look sad? (We can probably find facial expressions that approximate sadness) And oooh, oooh, what if he totally cried, how crazy would that be? Either way, I'm DVRing it. Here's an interview with Sarah from that Michael Eisner show where she talks about meeting Jimmy for the first time:
I can't wait for some crazy person to make the inevitable Jimmy/Sarah YouTube relationship tribute video.
Just in case you were worried that Verne Troyer's attempts to legally block TMZ from posting clips of his sex tape would work, his attention-seeking ex-girlfriend, who's confused about just what kind of fame leaking a sex tape you made with Verne Troyer is actually going to bring you, has brought her own legal claim. So you can stop worrying and go back to barfing. From the AP:
LOS ANGELES - The woman in a sex tape featuring Verne Troyer -- best known for his role in the "Austin Powers" movies -- says she allowed celebrity Web site TMZ to broadcast snippets of the tape.
Troyer's ex-girlfriend, Ranae Shrider, signed a declaration filed in federal court in Los Angeles stating the tape was created with her video camera. Her statement prompted a judge to allow TMZ to reinstate a post featuring snippets of the tape.
It was Colonel Ex-Girlfriend in the Bedroom with Video Camera! Man, she really didn't want that sex tape with Verne Troyer to go to waste. It makes sense, though. As Lindsay said, if it didn't get leaked, she'd just be having sex with Verne Troyer. And that would be gross because people who look different should be ridiculed and unloved. Ranae Shrider, everyone. I know it was a tight primary this year, but I really think Hillary paved the way for Shrider in 2012 to win President of Sadness.
Actress Jessica Biel entered the blogopolis yesterday (via JustJared), regaling MySpace with her hilarious insights into the totally relatable experience of sitting in your trailer between scenes and dictating the basic structure of your observations to your assistant so that she can flesh out the actual blog post while you're busy texting Justin Timberlake on your iPhone next to the craft services table, waiting for some minimum wage asshole (they are the worst) to finish making your kambucha smoothie.
It can be a little difficult to understand what Jessica Biel is trying to say, so I've taken the liberty of translating her first blog after the jump.
There's nothing weird about Will Smith's new school that he's opening. It's perfectly normal for Will Smith to open a school, so I don't even know what everyone is talking about when they say that there's something weird about it. It's the American Dream to become a successful movie star, marry another man, and then open a school. From the AP:
Will Smith 's soon-to-open private school is not a Scientology facility, as some reports have suggested, the academy's director said.
Smith and his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, have founded the New Village Academy, scheduled to open in September.
The school will use instructional methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard called study technology. And a few teachers belong to the church.
But the couple say they are not Scientologists, and the academy's director insists the facility has no religious affiliation.
Just a ton of Scientologists getting together BY ACCIDENT to run a school that JUST HAPPENS to use teaching methods developed by L. Ron Hubbard. Haven't you guys ever heard of a COINCIDENCE before? Saying that Will Smith's new school is a Scientology school is irresponsible. It's like saying something is what it is just because you're paying attention and can tell.
Actually, that's not even my favorite part. This is my favorite part:
Not that there's anything to laugh at him about here because Verne Troyer making a sex tape isn't funny. It's uplifting, like the movie Murder Ball. I mean, I know that if I drunkenly fall off of a balcony at my friend's bachelor party and break my spine, I won't end up two feet eight inches tall, but it's still nice to know that people with obstacles are still over CUMMING them. (Ew. That sentence is grosser than the Verne Troyer sex tape. Sorry.)
Besides, there are people whose sex tapes would be way worse.
It's being reported today that Heather Locklear has entered rehab for anxiety and depression. As many of you may already know, I feel that the rehabilitation process is deeply personal, and encourage all media outlets to respect Locklear's privacy in this difficult time. The more space that we can give her to find the help that she needs, the sooner we can GET BACK TO THE DANCIN'.
I don't know why anyone who can move like that would suffer from anxiety or depression. Granted, I'm not sure Locklear has moved like that since this episode of T.J. Hooker aired in 1847, but she's only 46. Bitch still look good (Bitch Still Look Good is the name of my come-back album when I make a surprise return from retirement).
Get well soon from your rich person's disease, Heather.
I'm sorry to interrupt our normal routine of trampoline accidents and clips from last night's Who's Going To Kiss My Mom with CELEBRITY GOSSIP, but it concerns Hugh Laurie, who is on a television show, so it's within my jurisdiction, and moreover, it concerns something called the Burger King Gold Card, so it is IMPORTANT. From the Times Online:
"[Being famous means that] you can get a table in a restaurant," [Hugh Laurie] muses. "But then you've got to go past a line of people who can't get a table - and that's a bad feeling." But he goes on inadvertently to blow the lid off what will, surely, become one of the big media talking-points of the year. "I've [been given] a Burger King Gold Card," he said casually - an invention of which Celebrity Watch was previously wholly unaware, yet is now instantly consumed by the concept of.
Nugatory Google research reveals that the American chatshow host Jay Leno is also in possession of this Burger King Gold Card, and that possession of said card entitles one to an almost limitless supply of free burgers. But after that small snippet, nothing. No one else will speak of it - it is as though some manner of celebrity burger omertà has been declared.
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