The 56-Year-Old Virgin Or: Debate Team Pro-Tips
Let us be very clear on what is hilarious about this, because it is not this woman's uneventful sexual history. There is nothing funny about people not having sex, unless those people are Vince Vaughan and Malin Ackerman in Couples Retreat* (in theaters October 9th). What is hilarious about this is how completely unnecessary her virginity is to her argument/complaint. She appears to be insisting on, if not abstinence-based sex education, then at least a de-emphasis on intercourse in local health education. Sure. I mean, personally I think it's much more important to rap at kids about safe sex, Eric Bana-style:
But, OK, not everyone agrees with that. You still don't need to shout out your personal sexual history in order to prove a point. It would be equally hilarious if someone for the opposition stood up and was like "I THINK THAT KIDS SHOULD LEARN HOW TO PRACTICE SAFE SEX BECAUSE, LIKE, OK, JUST AS AN EXAMPLE, WHEN I HAVE SEX, BLOOD STARTS POURING OUT OF MY PENIS AND DOESN'T STOP FOR HOURS, SO I ACTUALLY NEED TO WEAR A CONDOM FOR A FEW DIFFERENT REASONS." I think you can agree with me that that would be ridiculous. (Via Urlesque.)
*Just kidding. Yuck on that movie.
Posted by Gabe at 10:15 AM in Caught On Tape
Tags: Sex
I don't think this blog is the appropriate forum to discuss your bloody penis problems, Gabe aka "someone for the opposition."
Score = 17
ps Do you and Eric Bana have the same photographer?
Score = 35
I don't think anyone is ready to have AIDS, virginface.
Score = 25
speak for yourself. i've been waiting and waiting and i still haven't found the right person to get it from.
Score = 11
The gasp let out when she reveals that she's a virgin and the talking-to she receives moments later are almost enough to make me feel bad for her. Like, she's already 56, a virgin, and attending meetings for a school board where here non-existent children don't go. You don't have to be like "EW EW EW DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR UGLY PARTS GETTIN' ALL NASTY SHUT UPPPPPP!"
Score = 15
Actually I think that is her own sarcastic gasp, not a crowd reaction. I could be wrong though, because my first thought was that her kids must be so embarrassed... then I realized she doesn't have any kids *GASP* !
Score = 13
It would have been better if she made her own "skipping record" sound effect rather than a gasp.
Score = 17
WELL AT least we now HAVE A damn explanation FOR THAT WRITING prompt about peeing IN YOUR brother's MOUTH.
Score = 6
She's "technically" a virgin? What technology was she using?
Score = 26
Anal technology, dude.
Score = 14
Anal technology, is that not a 50 Cent song?
Score = 17
"Annnnnal. I'm tired of using technology. Why don't you sit down on top of me"
Oh Justin. I...I...I didn't realize. This is like that time when I realised "Come On Eileen"... oh, Justin.
Score = 5
Poor woman is clearly a never nude.
Score = 34
Good thing today's actual discussion topic is alcohol awareness, because I think she could use a stiff drink right now.
Score = 9
i really doubt she knows much about that either.
Score = 2
These children are not ready to be parents. Nor are they ready to have aids. Sure, one day they will be adults and will be prepared for the responsibility of raising a child and obviously, sometime in the future they WILL be ready for some aids, but not today.
Score = 11
I bet she dry humps the hell out of some furniture. Gross.
Score = 1
Since all of her furniture is covered in plastic I think there might be a condom joke around here somewhere, but I can't find it.
Score = 5
I try to work my sexual history into every argument and/or point I make. For example, as a twenty-something virgin, I feel qualified to tell you all that oh god, I am so lonely.
Score = 27
as a 30 year old woman who is married now but has some promiscuity in her sexual history, i like your avatar.
Score = 17
THAT'S hot. WHAT WERE y'all saying?
Score = 7
As a 24 year old man with a 2 year old son I would tell you you could babysit him and not feel so lonely if making that offer to a stranger on the internet wasn't outrageously dangerous and stupid, but it is.. so you can't.
Score = 6
seems like she's making a case for a pro-sex rally. bring on the free love!
Score = 4
Just goes to show: If you don't use it, you lose it. 'It' being your mind.
Score = 15
The school should offer bubblegum pizza and promise rings to any kid who promises to abstain from sex.
Score = 8
I wish people would stop saying "bubblegum pizza". The very notion of such a thing makes me feel ill.
Score = 10
"i think she's right, because when ppl drink they fornicate-axiomatic. it's a mathematical equation:
^ alcohol drinking ---> ^ banging ------> ^ AIDS cuz you were swerving WAY too much to get on that C-dome.
its simple logic. as for having sex, we're not animals and we never have been. god did not put us on this earth to "get a BJ" or "fingerbang a cat while your gf/bf watches and self-stimulates" or "have pleasure". we are here to work. work and die.
we're trying to run a society here, not a "fuck-fest". if you want that, you should have been born 40 years ago and then you could have dropped some acid while you dropped your pants and dropped your future, degenerate."
- A Concerned Parent.
Score = 2
She actually admits this at every city council meeting. Last week's hearing on a rezoning petition: "Lot 4356 should not be used for a new dance club, where people much younger than me can hook up easily. I should know . . ." etc.
Score = 6
Speaking as an Eric Bana virgin, I can tell you that it may be possible to achieve sexual satisfaction without Eric Bana, but I am weary of trying. ERIC BANA PLEASE CALL ME.
Score = 11
I have three coworkers all over the age of 30 who are not only still virgins (I live in a small, religious community) but also have never been in a romantic relationship, and it irritates the shit out of me when they try to give advice on dating or raising children.
On a related note, one is an aggressive, evil, bitch harpy, another can't stop spending money on things she can't afford and the third doesn't realize that he might be gay.
Score = 9
are you guys hiring?
Score = 5
Hopefully, she can at least drive.
Score = 6
the best part of this is, she was at the wrong council meeting! the sex-ed meeting was the next day. she was at the alcohol awareness meeting, so double d'oh.
Score = 1
She was completely unprepared to talk about educating teenagers on when body shots are in poor taste.
(Funerals)
(or any other time.)
Score = 1
i hope she has sex with tom cruise and jay leno.
Score = 2
Let her go on. I want to hear about these ways to have sexual satisfaction without taking my clothes off.
Score = 9
I'm assuming she's referring to genital mutilation as an equivalent to "sexual satisfaction." Well at least, technical "g.mut" (as the kids refer to it these days).
Score = -1
so you've gone and ruined your life.
Score = 0
As a 58 year old virgin (who can't drive), I feel even more qualified than this woman to tell y'all that none of you should be having sex until someone hits this. Right here. Please.
Score = 5
I think that "technically" this is pretty hilarious.
Score = 2