What Will Be The Next Teenage Vampire?

There's a new trailer out for Twilight, the highly anticipated teenage-vampire love story that's coming out in December. I remain as disinterested as I was after watching the first trailer, but that's only because I don't care about poorly made supernatural soap operas. I'm weird like that. But this movie is going to be huge, obs, so clearly I'm in the minority. Which also means that teenage girls are clearly in the majority. Sorry, Jews, someone else controls the media now.

Anyway, it seems like at some point the teenage girl fascination with vampires is going to fade. After Buffy and Twilight and LeStat and Bunnicula, we're going to run out of gas on this theme, and some other mythological creature is going to have to take its place as the cypher for our collective adolescent hopes and fears. So, which will it be?

Werewolf
This is the most obvious next step. It's masculine, and werewolves with their hair and bodily changes live on the borderlands of puberty. Teenage werewolves have already existed, in Teen Wolf and the American Werewolf series, but they have never played a huge role in the teenage girl passion plays, probably because of the part where they're murderous beasts. Whatever, girls have to grow up sometime.

Zombie
If vampires represent the teenage girl's fascination with the forbidden, her fear of the Otherness of men, and the prospect of aging, a teenage-zombie love story would explore the anxiety over shotguns, finding a boyfriend who's skin sloughs off, the dullness of routine, and having your life consumed entirely by the person you love. Literally. In their oozing, black mouth. Through your neck or cheek.

Invisible Man
The Invisible Man could embody the teenage girl's fear of never finding "Mr. Right," of feeling alienated or "invisible," of experimental science, as well as the common teenage girl fear of one day being forced to wrap your entire body in bandages, just so that people don't bump into you.

Chupacabra
He would resolve the teenage girl fear of goat-sucking.

Smoke Monster
A teenage-Smoke Monster romance would help to play out the dramas that every teenage girl has in her head of being trapped on a supernatural island with a ton of weird go-nowhere mysteries that are never resolved, i.e. COLLEGE. I'm basically Sigmund Freud with how I'm blowing your mind with my insights.

Posted by Gabe at 10:10 AM in Casting Calls
Tags: Twilight | Vampires

4 Comments

Hannah MonSnake Monster already exists.
I love that zombie picture. So sensual, so hungry...

Posted by: icanread at 07/18/08 11:05 AM | Reply
Score = 2

This post-teenage girl is ready for a Cthulhu love story.

Posted by: what at 07/18/08 11:32 AM | Reply
Score = 0

Werewolves already have their stamp on the young ladies' hearts- ever heard of a pretty crap-movie called Blood and Chocolate? It's about werewolves and absinthe. OK, so it might not have been about Absinthe, but there was a hell of a lot of it in the movie. Apparently, it is the werewolf's drink of choice.

Then there was underworld, which had both Vampires and Werewolves. I'm going to "keep it real" and not lie-as much as I want to save myself the shame.. but I thought Underworld and yes Underworld:Evolution, were entertaining. Not great- but entertaining. You may throw stones at me now- I understand.

And it is quite fashionable and hot for anyone too dig zombies. In fact the more zombie films and paraphernalia you own the hotter you are. Dawn of the Dead (check), 28 days later (check), Rob Zombie presents The Devils Rejects poster (not about zombies in particular, but still oh-so-cool!) (check), Shaun Of the Dead (check). OMG don't you just want to make out with someone who has all these things.

The invisible man- not so much. Neither Kevin Bacon's lovable rapist in Hollow Man or Chevy Chase's campy Memoirs of an Invisible Man, were able to catch the adoration of the lasses.

NOW the Chupacabra- there's a character with loads of possibility.

Posted by: Selena at 07/18/08 12:49 PM | Reply
Score = 0

Centaur-teens that look normal until they get wet (Splash). There can be a climatic pool party (cola, tunes, and tears).

Posted by: smashleigh at 07/18/08 1:16 PM | Reply
Score = 0