Shame On You America! • I've been avoiding this news all day in some kind of denial-based anger-fog, but Couples Retreat was/is the #1 movie in America? Well played, Paul Blart: Tropical Resort Cop. These colors run to terrible movies in droves, apparently.
Posted at 5:00 PM in Box Office Poison
Tags: Couples Retreat | Faizon Love | Jason Bateman | Jon Favreau | Kristen Bell | Kristen Davis | Malin Akerman | Vince Vaughn
Carrie Prejean turned the video camera off, put on some clothes, and stepped out of her house. It was a beautiful day outside. The air smelled like apples, and the late morning light hit the world in just such a...
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If you are a sassy and sarcastic young man in an American sitcom who represents the sitcom writer's desire that a nerdy Jewish teenager can somehow be the desirable romantic hero in this world, then eventually you will get a...
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I shouldn't even be here right now. I SHOULD BE GETTING INTO MY COSTUME! If I don't hurry, my facepaint won't be dry before I get to the MOONVIE theater, and everyone will be like "hahah, you look like you're...
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The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
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Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
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Score = 0
Is the internet big enough for both you and Serafinowicz who's excellent? Probably not! This is exciting!
Score = 1
I'll give you 20 bucks to show me anything that can move and talk in front of my face while I sit in a chair. I'm serious. 20 bucks, just show me something.
Score = 9
at least "i hope they serve beer" tanked, proving that America is capable of making collective good decisions on a rare occasion.
Score = 1
Or, when given a separate terrible idea with better known actors.
Score = 9
I heard Tucker Max has been retained to write "Couple Retreat 2: Hilarious Drunken Misery in Aculpulco."
Score = 2
Speaking of terrible things that make me want to die, did anyone see the HBO half-hour special based on Couples Retreat? Holy shit it was like an eye disease that spread to your soul. Rich actors talking about how great their vacation was for 20 minutes, interspersed with behind the scenes details and in-depth analysis of the movie's finer plot points. Like they spent five minutes talking about how the Yoga guy who puts his ass on Michael Bluth's face is "a bit of a crazy character who really has a unique take on Yoga" or something. I shit you not.
I can't remember why I watched more than two minutes of this, but that's because I'm expending most of my mental energy trying not to kill myself.
Score = 5
at the risk of saying too much, somebody I work with was flown to Bora Bora on a 5-day junket for this movie. Surprisingly enough, after 5 days in an island paradise he felt like this movie was something that he could really get behind and was genuinely disapointed when I pointed out that it was getting crucified by the critics.
By "the critics" of course I am not referring to the American viewing audience.
Score = 1
Gabe, you can't be too surprised. This time last year America made Beverly Hills Chihuahua the #1 movie for the second week.
Score = 2
The worst part, though, was that VInce Vaughn's character had two wrecking balls for testicles. Was that even necessary?
Score = 5
If all of America shared your superior sense of humor, Gabe, who would you have left to look down upon?
Score = 10
I think what happened was people were getting antsy for Where The Wild Things Are (or dare I say, Black Dynamite? probably not, although i am looking forward to it), they didn't bother to check the newspaper/internet and rushed to the theater and were all like "1 tic to the Wild Things pic!" and the dead-behind-the-eyes box office person was like, "That's next week." So instead of just sensibly going home and Netflixing something, the people of 'Merica bought tickets for Couples Retreat. Ugh.
The worst part though was that after they bought the tickets the Theater Employee said "enjoy the movie" and 'Merica said, "You too! D'oh!"
Score = 5
Weird, I thought your movie-criticism card was revoked after the Hunt post on Gran Torino?
Score = 0