You can turn your Internet off for the rest of the day. This is the best it's going to do.
You know, it doesn't take much sometimes. For all of the anxieties and frustrations of modern life, occasionally, finding some happiness in this world is the easiest thing there is. Oh look, here's some! (Because I just watched this video again.) Thanks for the tip, Emma!
Well, that happened fast! So, as you know, Saturday Night Live premiered this weekend with host Megan Fox. I thought it was a pretty good episode! Lots has already been written about it, and the general consensus seems to be that the show was a dud, but I'm not sure why. Admittedly, I am no longer able to watch it from an entirely objective standpoint. But there were plenty of laffs. Stewardesses! Will Forte's HOTSTUFF new haircut! And I'm not a huge MeganFoxHead, but she did good, too!
But obviously that is not what anyone really wanted to talk about this weekend. What everyone really wanted to talk about was when newcomer (and, full disclosure*, very dear friend of mine) Jenny Slate, said the F-word during the late-episode "Biker Chick Chat" sketch, the entirety of which you can see after the jump.
As any professional newscaster will tell you, you can't just say "fuck" on the air. That may be hard for civilians like you or I to believe, but it's a little trick you pick up pretty quickly when you're in the newz biz. "I thought you could say 'fuck' on the air whenever you felt like it." "Drink up, rookie." The only people with the confidence and the poise to get away with it are the battle-scarred veterans, the Sue Simmonses. It's an issue of gravitas! It's also an issue of knowing when and how to say "fuck" on the air. You probably only get one, newscaster, so make it count. It is equally important to have your "fuck" make sense. That may seem obvious, but you might be surprised. Here is an example of what NOT to do:
News bloopers are the best, always*. (Via Lindsayism.)
*To give you a sense of just how magical news bloopers are, this particular news blooper is in relation to the Jaycee Dugard story, which has to be one of the :(est stories of all time. Nothing about that story is even remotely funny. It's a living nightmare. And yet, here we are, with another hilarious news goof. I bet there were some hilarious World War II yuck-em-ups that have since been lost to the sands of time. "Hitler today continued with his spermicidal campaign against the Jews. Whoops! I mean--" And now you have graduated from News Bloopers Are Funny Because School, WITH HONORS.
Mike Tyson Pro-Tip For A Successful Weekend #11: We all like to have fun, but sometimes things get out of hand, and it's important to keep your head on straight. A successful weekend often means hanging out with friends and relieving the stress of the work week, yes, but on a more fundamental level a successful weekend is also a safe weekend, when you don't end up in the hospital or jail. If you find yourself in a tense situation, you can often talk your way out of it. Violence is almost never a good solution. Perhaps a boast might work. If you feel threatened by someone at a bar, nightclub, movie theater, community center pottery class, or murder mystery dinner party, try telling them that you will fuck them in the ass if they don't leave you alone. If that doesn't work, tell them that you will eat their asshole alive. Something to show them that you are a powerful, heterosexual man, who is not afraid of them. At this point, you should probably extricate yourself from the situation completely. Remember: there is no shame in just walking away. In fact, that is the most courageous thing to do. If, however, you find yourself stuck somewhere and must defend yourself (verbally, if things get physical, have a friend call the police from a payphone) remind your aggressor that they are a faggot, and that you will fuck them until they love you. When they look at you confused, kiss them, and then make your way home. You have a brunch to get to in the morning, mister!* (Via FourFour.)
Lots Of Love! OK, so, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor began yesterday. Now, as is the tradition in these proceedings, the first day is dedicated to opening statements from each of the senators on the Judiciary Committee, as well as an opening statement from Ms. Sotomayor, but no actual questioning. The questioning begins today. Fair enough! I didn't make these rules, that's just how these things work. And it seems perfectly reasonable. There will be plenty of time for questions! But last night Glenn Beck took to the airwaves to complain about the "softball" questions being thrown at Sotomayor, which, just to clarify, in case Glenn Beck is reading this, because he is an idiot and will have missed the point so far, were not questions at all, but opening statements. Right. Got it. (Glenn Beck, still having some trouble with it.)
Sure. The law states "any goof during a news broadcast must and will be posted to the internet." And it's not like the combination of the "Deadly Crash" chyron against Leon's oblivious suit-straightening and rapid-fire Specs Howard School of Broadcasting Professional Vocal Exercise, leading into a cutaway in which his fellow announcer's play him off Keyboard Cat-style with the damnation of faint praise ("we found out Leon can count, but we always knew we were assholes") is certainly worthy of the Internet's copious amounts of free time and careless attention (I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS, JUST PUT IT IN MY EYES).
Unless you're just signing on to the internet and Videogum is your home page, you've already seen the video of Bret Michaels getting clotheslined by a descending piece of the Tony Awards set last night. And if you're like me, you've pressed play several times in order to truly understand and empathize with (Heh. He's fine, we can laugh) Mr. Michaels's embarrassing public injury. But now thanks to Bex Schwartz, we can eliminate the carpal tunnel risk of this dangerous video, because she's gone and looped and slo-moed it to its ultimate most satisfying degree. (Seriously, it's just Bret hitting his head a lot. And it's great.)
The Terminator trudged along the wooded path towards the lake, his gun dangling by his side, the taunts still ringing in his hypersensitive bionic ears. He stared at the ground as he walked, and didn't even bother scanning anything with...
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Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture...
I went to see Where the Wild Things Are on Saturday, but it was sold out. Ay-ay-ay. That was a surprise! I mean, anticipation for this movie seemed pretty high, but anticipation for lots of movies seems high, especially when...
