Reese Witherspoon Is The Future Gwyneth Paltrow
The first movie I ever saw with Reese Witherspoon was Freeway in 1996. That movie was great! Have you seen that movie? You should see that movie. She was really good in it. I thought to myself, "this is a good actress who is good at acting." Since then, of course, it's just been a steady decline into increasingly mundane roles that rely on blonde jokes and/or women in power suit jokes. But whatever, those roles are where the money is. Good for her. So much money now, it's ridiculous. But so let's be honest with ourselves, Ms. Witherspoon. You are a big, rich famous person now who lives in a cloud mansion built of champagne dreams. Accept it. Stop trying to relate to us. Because when you do, it sounds like this:
From People:
She might be an Oscar-winning actress but to her two kids, Reese Witherspoon is sometimes, well, just embarrassing, she says in a new interview. To illustrate her point, the actress tells the story to Parents magazine of taking her 9-year-old daughter Ava to see country star Carrie Underwood. "She said, 'Mom I really appreciate you taking me to the concert, but will you please not embarrass me in front of Carrie Underwood by singing because she's a real singer and you're just, like a movie singer," says Witherspoon, who won a Best Actress Oscar for playing singer June Carter Cash in 2005's Walk the Line.
Oh, HAHAHAHAH. What a charming story. Tell it again, Reese Witherspoon! Really set the scene for us. So, you're backstage at the Carrie Underwood concert, because your daughter is a huge fan and so you called your manager and he got you two complimentary backstage passes. After you finished trading effusive, disingenuous compliments with Ms. Underwood, you were standing at the edge of the stage, drinking champagne in glasses made out of discarded American Express Black Cards, and then you began to sing because as a high-level professional performer it's hard for you to differentiate between when the camera is on you and when the camera is not on you and so at this point you've just decided to live your life in a constant state of being "on," but sometimes your daughter finds that embarrassing because even though she is completely disconnected from any view of the world that doesn't involve instant gratification and the exclusive presence of multi-millionaires, she's still a human being seeking self-actualization. To a point. Obviously she will be dependent on you for the rest of her life since it's impossible for the children of celebrities to escape the overwhelming egos of their parents that cover their lives like a stunting oil slick. What a classic parenting story. I'm sorry, no, you tell it! It's so funny when you tell it!
Enough with the down-to-Earth relatability, fames. You have no idea what horrible monsters it makes you sound like. Enough talking, more dancing! Dance for us, monkeys!
Posted by Gabe at 1:30 PM in Behind The Scenes, Celebrity Gossip!, Oh, Yuck!
Tags: Children | Parenting | Reese Witherspoon
Have fun at dinner, Reese.
Score = 7
People has this horrible feature called THEY'RE JUST LIKE US where they show celebrities out on the street doing NORMAL THINGS like eating sandwiches and walking dogs. I'm not sure who that's supposed to comfort, but I just find it consistently wretched.
Score = 7
that's actually in US magazine.
get it?
they're just like US.
such a clever play on words there.
Score = 6
Reese, tell the one about the private jets getting mixed up and accidentally being flown to Milan instead of Florence!
Score = 5
Freeway kicks fucking ASS. Kiefer circa that movie ftw.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-D46DetZQI
I thought Reese did a good job in the movie Election as well, but that's about where it ends for me. As long as she doesn't start a horrific blog a la GP.
Side note, I was hate reading GOOP last night to explain some previous comments I had made about GP, when I came across this little chestnut:
"If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification."
Granted, that was a tip from her Bowel Elimination Doctor, and the theme of her blog is "Nourish the inner aspect", but that type of shit is just not OK.
Score = 6
Freeway is, by far, Reese's best movie ever. This is followed closely by Election. I don't think you will see her saying things like "Were you tryin' to do sex to me, Bob?" or "Fuck me, Mr. McAllister!" Sad.
Score = 4
I once saw Reese Witherspoon out shopping and noticed a conspicuous gap between her blouse and shoulder skin, revealing ANAMATRONIC MACHINERY. The down-to-earth Carrie Underwood anecdote is all lies.
Score = 3
She has a long way to go to catch up with Paltrow. Gwen's a tough non-self-awareness act to follow.
Score = 9
At least she doesn't own this: http://goop.com/
God, Paltrow is the worst!
Score = 0
i'm going to defend Reese for now and say it's an unfair comparison but i'll keep my eye on her for potential descent into EPIC JAIL.
Score = 3
Freeway and Election immediately make her miles better than Paltrow. She has much farther to sink before she ranks with Gwynnie.
Score = 2
Both are guilty of having to fake 18th-century British accents. Worst!
"What a classic parenting story. I'm sorry, no, you tell it! It's so funny when you tell it!" I'm not trying to be your girlfriend Gabe, but that did sound kind of Family-Guy-ish.
Score = 0
I love watching interviews with her because even though she's incredibly boring she ALWAYS bombs with both the crowd and the interviewer. After a few bombs, she gets noticeably uncomfortable and I get a big sense of satisfaction. Also because of the fact that she bombs purely for the reason that her little cutesy dumb sense of humor only seems to fly with the likes of Jake Gyllenhall.
Score = -2
I assume that HAHAHAHAHAHHA is supposed to be read how Haley Joel Osment played it in AI.
Score = 2
I can't tel them apart. like kate beckinsale and rachel weitz or ryan renolds and chris evans.
Score = -1
lois lane stole my other l
Score = 1
Are you serious? Reese Witherspoon has a child. This probably did happen. It's insane to suggest that it's wrong for her to tell this story, right?
Score = -2