Tyra Banks Wants To Be The Black Gwyneth Paltrow
It's not like people didn't know that Tyra Banks was ridiculous and awful. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating everything in the medicine cabinet, but have you seen her facial expressions when she's left to her own devices? She's like an animatronic puppet on a ride about nightmares. "This vagina has teeth in it." That's what the narrator says. As your boat cruises into Tyra Banks's giant vagina. Full of teeth. But now she is entering the lifestyle website industry. Just what the ladies need! Another rich and famous narcissist to help them figure out what's what! From JustJared:
Tyra Banks will be launching an online magazine later today called TYRA: Beauty Inside and Out, focusing on beauty, fashion and healthy living."I'm really interested in helping women take control of their futures, take control of their destiny. One of my lines in my manifesto on the Web site is to be the CEO of your own life, be in control of your own life," the 35-year-old talk show host said.
Yeah ladies, be the CEO of your own life, be in control of your own life. Just like Tyra Banks!
Tyra knows what the word CEO means because she had sex with one on a yacht onetime when she was a teenager just trying to break into the Berlin fashion world. Tough stuff! She knows that sometimes it can be hard to follow your dream of dressing up in a fat suit and pretending to be homeless for your self-indulgent, tertiary cable talk show. But it's like they say: shoot for the stars and you might just land on 4pm slot at WPIX.
She is all about empowerment, too. Step 1: make a billion dollars by trading on your sexuality. Step 2: be empowered! She's basically the best role model. And wait until you taste her cocaine and hundred dollar bill stuffed roast chicken. It is to die for. Literally. It is going to kill you.
Posted by Gabe at 4:15 PM in Bad Idea Jeans
Tags: Goop | Gwyneth Paltrow | Lifestyle Website Industry | Tyra Banks
sigh.
goop with your eyes Tyra, goop with your eyes.
Score = 31
Tyra Banks doesn't want to the black Gwyneth Paltrow. She wants to be the sexy Oprah.
Score = 22
TYOOB?
Score = 4
Dear Videogum sirs: In regards to your unkind commets, Ms. Banks would like to register a retort:
Score = 60
Congrats, you get all the upvotes.
Score = 0
The fat suit thing didn't work. You can't have a skinny supermodel wear a fat suit and think that they know the rules of being a fat chick.
1. You cannot shop on Melrose between La Cienega and La Brea. No one is going to help you rip shirts and jeans trying them on. You are out of your jurisdiction.
2. No guy will hit on you at 8pm at a bar, your time slot is at last call. Stop them on the way to the car.
3. If you are wearing a fat suit, people will just think you are weird.
Score = 8
Wednesday's show, not kidding: Tyra Banks spends the entire hour having a no holds barred discussion on periods including Tyra speaking candidly about her harrowing experience with tampons!
Score = 6
Fire hot, Gabe, fire hot. From now on whenever someone asks me, "Ron, what are your thoughts on Tyra Banks?" I'll quickly reply, "What Gabe said."
Score = 7
Ugh typo. *comments of course.
Incidentally, for a wealth of fun Tyra gifs:
http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2007/09/waiting-for-ton.html
Score = 2
Ugh... This just means Kimora Lee Simmons is going to want to better our lives, too. I might hate her the most.
Score = 4
...but, what if I only want to be the junior vice-executive of my own life?
Score = 14
This is unacceptable. Gwyneth is the only one who can be Gwyneth. If you want a 'black Gwyneth Paltrow' you should know that she's willing to do blackface.
Score = 18
Score = 12
Wow, that was somehow much larger than the original.
http://uploaded.interestingnonetheless.net/Skye/paltrow.jpg
Score = 8
Oh Tyra. You truly are the Charles Dickens of this modern age. And TYRA will be your David Copperfield. And, instead of writing of bleak cityscapes, you are creating them in my soul. WIth your awfulness.
Score = 9
Her work will do more damage than the Communist Manifesto, The Futurist Manifesto, and the Unabomber Manifesto combined.
Score = 3
Don't make Tyra angry!
You won't like her when she's angry!
Score = 20
Tyra Banks is only 35?
Score = 6
and mentally retarded.
Score = 0
35 puts her at 20 for the seminal 1994 spring VS catalog so her story checks out.
Score = 0
Do you think that her chicken recipe will be on her new website?
Score = 1
But doesn't Tyra know that no one likes Goopie?
Score = 0