Someone's ego's writing checks his fan base can't cash if (big if) Tom Cruise really thinks anyone wants a Top Gun sequel. From The Sun via Golden Fiddle:
An insider said: "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor -- and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot."
Put this idea to bed or lose me forever. Top Gun is a perfect movie on its own and cannot be improved upon. But I would like to predict that the cocky new female pilot is the grown-up daughter of Goose and Carol, and that at some point Maverick will say "I flew with your old man. He was the best." And she will be played by Katie Holmes. Ugh. That is so what that script is, and it sucks.
I don't know how to set this up other than to say that it's totally real:
BULLETIN: Obviously, you would be insane not to take advantage of this amazing bargain. Who wouldn't want a .999 silver-plated commemorative September 11th 20 dollar bill with the numbers nine and 11 used to create the most moving denomination of currency ever and the twin towers set against a mirrored background much as they did that fateful day that is also actual Liberian currency that I think means you can spend this in Liberia which isn't weird and is totally a normal thing and Liberia sounds like a totally reasonable country? But I just want to know does it come with a gun and a single bullet and a pre-written letter to my family?
Dr. Drew, in his relentless pursuit of weird fame, has positioned himself as the perfect point man on a new VH1 reality show that would follow recovering celebrities after they leave Celebrity Rehab and try to put their lives back together, because if there's one thing that every recovery specialist will tell you it's that the best way to keep yourself off drugs and alcohol when you have an addiction to those things is to surround yourself with a television crew and the guidance of a sham doctor who's using your disease to build his career. The New York Post reports:
THE brain scientists who brought VH1 "Celebrity Rehab" are lobbying for a spinoff called "Sober Living."
The show, which would be a cross between "Surreal Life" and "The Real World," would put a number of "Celebrity Rehab" alumni together in a luxurious Beverly Hills mansion for 30 days while they try to rebuild their careers without drugs and alcohol.
Like "Celebrity Rehab," the new show would prominently feature Dr. Drew Pinsky ("Loveline"), who oversees the celebs during their stints in televised rehab.
This fucking guy. At some point he's just going to start pitching shows that are like "Dr. Drew decapitates celebrities with a magic sword and absorbs their power." And the weekly challenge is that he has to look at himself in a mirror without crying. Dr. Drew is Lindsay's boyfriend.
It's all fun and games until someone else tries this woman's escalator-spinning trick and immediately dies:
Have you watched so much viral video that you were expecting something bad to happen at the end? Until the first imitator gets escalator-owned, it's probably best to stay away from malls. Not. Even. Joking.
Jason Kottke was watching The Family Guy on TBS the other night when he witnessed what has to be the worst advertising strategy ever employed by a network. During the actual show, redneck comedian Bill Engvall popped up in what looked like a normal annoying lower-third ad, but then took out a remote and paused The Family Guy while he shilled his new show:
"How cool is that? I can stop and start any show I want." It's like he's asking to be beaten with that remote. I'm trying to imagine the type of person who would not be thrown into a fit of rage by this insult to the viewing audience, and all I can come up with is: "A very lonely person who thinks Bill Engvall is really talking directly to them." We can't allow this -- please boycott Bill Engvall's show. Just kidding, nobody is going to watch it, but don't, like, accidentally watch it. This cannot become a thing.
The new season of The Hills doesn't start until August, but that doesn't mean you can't keep track of everyone's (least) favorite Hollywood Power Saddest Couple Of Emotional Corpses, Plastic Face and Goat Beard, via their new SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE? Wait, whuuuuuut? If Friendster was about keeping up with your pals, and Linked_In is about making business connections, then this must be the place you go to show all your acquaintances how your credit limit is better than theirs. Or something. Surely these people don't have any actual human relationships, or any need for interaction beyond a nod across the crowded couches at Area, or whatever, so I'm still a little in the dark about what the purpose of speidiweb.com is. What I'm not in the dark about is how Speidiweb is the new hilarious.
I'm all for drinking milk (wait, what? I don't care about milk) but this is ridiculous. "Others Reload, Batman Refuels"? What does that even mean? And why are we still advertising milk? Are there people who forgot about milk? And there is nothing more annoying than advertisers trying to appeal to children. "Even Batman needs to drink milk with his spaghetti dinner after a hard day on the Batskateboard. On which he wears a helmet. And knee pads. And elbow pads." I'm pretty sure Batman doesn't drink milk. He drinks protein shakes and the blood of justice. And even if Batman did drink milk to help build strong bones and healthy muscle it still wouldn't account for the military-grade bullet-proof armor and access to his father's multi-billion-dollar corporation. Got that?
A sampling of Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Milius's DVD commentary for Conan The Barbarian:
LOLOLOL. So good. "She's In Ecstasy, She's In Drugs" is the first single off of my next album.
Remember when DVDs were first coming out and everyone was excited because they could hold so much bonus information? And then you realized that in technical terms, "bonus" actually stands for "horrible and boring". I think the last time I watched a director's commentary track was on the movie Election. During the scene where Matthew Broderick gets stung on the eye by a SPOILER ALERT bee, director Alexander Payne said "In this scene i was really trying to convey bees," and I said "Done, next generation technology please."
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