If the publishing industry were not imploding right now, I would probably walk right into Graydon Wenner's office and pitch him an idea for adding UGH Aficionado magazine to Guy Snoozehouse's illustrious line of Condor Nash publications. "I've already got the first cover story," I would say. From the AP (via HuffingtonPost*):
SAN FRANCISCO - A spokeswoman for Jaycee Dugard says only Dugard and her family should decide when and if a film is made based on the 18 years she spent with the man charged with kidnapping her.
The statement came after Shane Ryan -- the director of low-budget horror movies such as "Amateur Porn Star Killer" and "Romance Road Killers" -- announced that he expected to start production next month on "Abducted Girl, An American Sex Slave."
Ryan told Sacramento television station KCRA that he wants to focus on the relationship between Dugard and Phillip Garido, the man charged with abducting, raping and holding her captive in his backyard.
Oh, is that what he wants to focus on? The relationship between a brainwashed young woman and her rapist kidnapper? We're gonna need a bigger pair of Bad Idea Jeans! Do you guys remember the part in 2012 when the world was destroyed? That was pretty smart. And something tells me that this pornographer does not have the one billion Euros necessary to purchase safe-passage aboard the government's A.R.K.S. I'm not saying that he needs to die, I'm just saying if everyone dies he doesn't need to be saved. There's a difference!
*I love that the HuffingtonPost has the appropriately disgusted and dismayed reaction to this news story--as they should, we are all only human--but then still manage to post a "Who Should Play Jaycee?" poll for their readers. COOL POLL, GUYS!
Let me make something very clear: Michael Jackson's 3D short film, Captain Eo, which used to be an attraction at Disneyland's Epcot Center, is easily one of the best 3D short films from an international pop sensation featuring smoke machines and also lazers. It's great! Back in the '80s, when I was in my late 40s and trying to piece my life together after a particularly difficult divorce (although none of them have been easy) I would read my Captain EO 3D comic book until I fell asleep. But it's 2009, now. I'm not a professor of Youth Culture, but I just don't think children (and make no mistake, DISNEYLAND IS FOR CHILDREN) want to see a dead pop star's 20-plus-year-old idea of what the future would look like if space was a musical. Even if this wasn't just a callous cash-grab, which it is (see the cover of this month's sister publication, Duh It's A Cash Grab Magazine). But providing children with entertainment they might actually enjoy is no longer Disney's focus (see: Up). From the HollywoodReporter:
You know how the Country Music Awards are. They're basically an artist, and a perfectionist. Never satisfied, always pushing towards a new paradigm. "Let's turn this whole thing on its head," you can often hear the Country Music Awards saying. Just kidding. This year's Country Music Awards was, wait for it, wall-to-wall Kanye jokes. So that's still a thing that's going on. Perfect. According to People magazine (because I obviously did not actually watch the CMAs, I live in New York City!) there were multiple instances, although this one is my favorite (my least favorite):
Obviously, Little Jimmy Dickens, as an 88-year-old member of the Grand Ol Opry, gets to do whatever he wants at this point. Those are the rules! Anyone over 75 gets a free pass in my book. Oh, you want to say mildly racist things about the waiter at this restaurant? Fair enough. You have paid your dues. Oh, you want to give someone the gas face for showing their ankles in public? You've earned it. I'm a total stickler for letting the aged live the remainder of their lives however they see fit. So if Little Jimmy Dickens wants to live the remainder of his life making botched, worn out jokes about things he barely even understands, I'm not going to get in his way. YOU GO, LITTLE JIMMY DICKENS!
Guys, I don't want to bum you out, but Michael Jackson is dead. Forever. Now, I'm not trying to be a downer. I understand how comforting it can be to believe that there is something waiting for us on the other side of that mortal coil. Perhaps you think that we're all going to heaven, a perpetual pajama party in the clouds where all the water fountains run with champagne. Perhaps you think that we become pure energy, and our souls disperse into the atmosphere like Powder. Or maybe you think that we hang around on some hidden, spiritual plane for all of eternity, hoisting our descendants onto our shoulders, like Mr. Amistad. We're all entitled to our beliefs.
But please don't hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson. And if you are going to hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson, for heaven's sake, DON'T PUT IT ON TELEVISION!
As you know, George Lopez is getting his own 10PM talk show on TBS this fall, because apparently 2009 is the year that TV finally tries to kill 10PM once and for all. Between this and The Jay Leno Show, it is only a matter of time before 10PM kills itself. (Correction: 11PM talk show. It's like that REM song, "Everyone Confuses.")
But as if the idea of George Lopez getting his own 10PM talk show wasn't bad enough, now a reader, Jeff, has sent in this ad from one of his favorite magazines. WOOF. I hope the marketing meeting where they came up with this concept didn't take them too long. Because if someone was up until three in the morning eating Chinese take-out straight from the container and tossing crumpled up ideas across the room into the garbage can as they made the sound of a roaring crowd, I'm going to pull a Duck Phillips and implode.
Seriously, is this the worst ad ever made? It might be the worst ad ever made. This is basically our generation's horrifying Lyndon Johnson "daisy" ad in that it makes me fear for the future of humanity and it also fills me with disgust.
Look, I don't really care about Trent Reznor or Nine Inch Nails, but I respect that people do care about that stuff. You want to fuck Trent Reznor like an animal, or whatever. He's the whole reason you got into pickling fetuses in jars in the first place. So, even though I don't personally care, I can only imagine what people who do care are thinking about the fact that the dude just went on a farewell tour for Nine Inch Nails and declared that it was the end of "the band," with the reservation being that the NIN name might be used on the occasional cool and worthwhile project. OK. The ReznorHeads are all like totally awwwww, I'm sure. But, so, that happened, and now here is Trent Reznor, back with the first of his post-retirement cool projects:
A PROMO SPOT FOR FRINGE.
Neat?
The promo itself, as well as some more talk about Trent Reznor's courageous path towards true artistry after the jump.
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Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery,patience, and taste.
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Uh. OK. Well, first let's address what this movie did well, like the disappointed parents we are (or at least that I am), recognizing that the negative feedback won't be useful or constructive if it isn't preceded by something positive....
