Gwyneth Paltrow Has No Idea What Gwyneth Paltrow Looks Like To People Who Are Not Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow has launched a lifestyles website called goop.com. FINE. I'm not the boss of the internet. You do what you want, Gwyneth Paltrow. You start a website nobody needs and give it a name nobody likes. NOT MY PROBLEM. But let's please be honest about what's happening here. This is a vanity project from an actress who's mostly abandoned and been abandoned by Hollywood in the hopes that if Iron Man doesn't really turn things around the way she hoped, she'll have a nice little Oprah-style media empire to work on. FAIR ENOUGH. We should all be so lucky. But if it's at all possible for Gwyneth Paltrow to at least disguise the fact that she's a wealthy, insufferable dolt with a complete lack of self-awareness and not the slightest understanding of how the average person experiences the world, that would be great, thanks. For example, in her introductory essay explaining GOOP to people, maybe she could present it in an objective, carefully worded way that doesn't reek of self-congratulation and the satisfaction of the haute bourgeoise, that would be great.

My life is good because I am not passive about it. I want to nourish what is real, and I want to do it without wasting time. I love to travel, to cook, to eat, to take care of my body and mind, to work hard. I love being a mother who has to overcome my bad qualities to be a good mother. I love being in spaces that are clean and feel nice.

NOPE. Just for the record Gwyneth Paltrow, EVERYONE LOVES BEING IN SPACES THAT ARE CLEAN AND FEEL NICE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Posted by Gabe at 12:16 PM in Backlashes
Tags: Gwyneth Paltrow

8 Comments

Gwynnie, you are sweet and completely self aware. Hating is for the proletariat. Let's make out.

Posted by: Alec Baldwin at 09/23/08 12:37 PM | Reply
Score = 1

Gwynnie, what is all this "real" you're nourishing? Eating the food with Mario Batali and the traveling? Is the traveling to Sub-Saharan Africa?

Just kidding, who cares. I'm reading a video gossip website, and I'm not doing it from Africa either. I just nourished my "real" in the form of a cold Egg McMuffin. Maybe I can make blogs about that.

Posted by: Angelaaaa at 09/23/08 1:49 PM | Reply
Score = 2

Can I call "over" on using verbs from a foreigner's English 101 class as categories? Do I have the authority to do that? DO. BE. BUY. It's the same sort of hack copywriting they use for the packaging of toiletries in spas and hotels. (I'm waiting for the day that I see toilet paper labeled WIPE, preferably in all lowercase Futura Light.)

Posted by: jefusan at 09/23/08 2:03 PM | Reply
Score = 1

is that a picture of gwyneth paltrow after she missed/caught the train, making her long, brown mousy hair turn short, blond and sassy? i think it is.

Posted by: hard liquor, soft holes at 09/23/08 3:14 PM | Reply
Score = 0

Isn't this already smugly on the internet, in the form of NonSociety?

Posted by: Ramboner at 09/23/08 4:07 PM | Reply
Score = 0

"I LOVE ATTENTION AMERICA!"
Sincerely,
Gwyneth

Posted by: I PEE GOLD at 09/23/08 10:23 PM | Reply
Score = 0

No more Paltrow!~

Posted by: Steve Sanders at 09/24/08 1:57 AM | Reply
Score = 0

She does this only because she's married to one of the world's biggest assholes. Like when bitches keep ugly friends around to up their perceived persona. 1,000 Gwyneth blogs wouldn't equal even one Coldplay album.

Posted by: itsthenewjanbrady at 09/26/08 5:28 AM | Reply
Score = 0