Christina Hendricks appeared on Martha, and then things got kind of uncomfortable.
The "I thought you were so much older" line is a total diss. If only Christina Hendricks had had the foresight to have the Greatest Martha Guest in the History of Martha, Amy Sedaris, on the other end of an earpiece giving her verbal sparring advice, she might have been able to come back with something sharper, like, "REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE IN JAIL?" But the best part of this clip is when Martha Stewart asks Christina Hendricks if her character on Mad Men, Joan, loves her husband on the show. "Oh, you mean the verbally abusive, dismissive husband that raped me on the floor of Don Draper's office last season? That husband? Do I love the awful rape-husband? Weirdly enough, I don't love him. The writers on that show are terrible!" It's OK, Martha. Lots of people don't watch Mad Men. Granted, most of them don't interview people from the show and ask them questions about the show, and if they did they might do some research beforehand, but, you know, you're very busy (not being in jail anymore).
Or, Martha Stewart LOVES Mad Men, and just revealed that she has a very unorthodox view of rape!
Oh boy. What is this buffoon even talking about anymore?! Remember when America pretended that AIDS didn't exist as we found ourselves mired in the Iran-Contra Affair? That Coke commercial aired during the 1980 Super Bowl. Is he seriously arguing that America was a better place in 1980? Well, he might as well, because that is going to be like nothing compared to his completely incomprehensible FAN FICTION about going to a high school house party. "They promised me they would get me home to my mommy, but now I smell like pot even though I didn't do anything wrong." Classic party talk. To be fair to Glenn Beck, even though I do not understand his metaphor, since it seems to suggest that everyone was having a blast during the economic boom of the housing bubble when in reality the economic stratification of the population got way worse, and the people currently suffering the most are those who were lured in by predatory lending practices devised by billionaires, I do believe that that is what he thinks a party is. A place you're begrudgingly invited by people who don't like you, where promises are broken because no one wants to take the crybaby home at 10:30.
"I have been to three parties!"
--Glenn Beck, adult.
There is a Japanese game show called Panic Face King where the goal is to make someone have the most panicked face possible. And whoever does that is the king. Of that. I guess. Anyway, in a clip that is circulating today, one guy gets a severe case of Panic Face when he believes that the room he is in is under sniper fire, and that everyone that he was just talking to has been shot. This is what the Japanese call a "gotcha moment."
LOL? I think the funniest Panic Face he made was when he was lying prone under that body that he thought was dead, fearing the next wave of terrifying bullets. Although, they definitely got a couple more GREAT Panic Faces out of this guy when after he crawled to the door in raw fear, his shattered brain working in pure survival mode, they had more people come in with guns drawn, shooting blanks just inches from his face (sorry to interrupt, but that is, it turns out, what she said) and dragging him by the feet across the floor.
"Wakka wakka wakka!"
--Fozzy the Bear
This is basically the Japanese improv Everywhere, and it's awful. Pranks are the worst. Always. (Via the entire internet.)
You probably already saw this clip since it was everywhere yesterday, and I promise never to ever be on an airplane again* so that you do not have to suffer the indignity of seeing something posted a few hours later than it was posted on some other websites. But on the slight chance that you did not see this clip yesterday, you are about to see it, and for that I suppose I am also sorry. Because it's a terrible clip! Harry Connick Jr. was a guest judge on an Australian variety show called Hey Hey It's Saturday, and a group of doctors calling themselves the Jackson Jive came out and performed a horrifying blackface Michael Jackson tribute. Yikes. To make matters worse: the audience LOOOOOVES it. Fosters may be Australian for beer, but blackface is Australian for thing everyone loves so much apparently. Afterward, the host of the show, Daryl Somers, brought Harry Connick Jr. out to apologize. All of this after the jump.
Sorry, I know this is already OLD NEWS in Internet Time, but I am on California Time, also known as Fresh Squeezed Grapefruit Juice Time. BREAKING: it's delicious! Anyway, Dave spent most of his show last night referencing the whole "OK but I'm still doing a little better than Roman Polanski, though, right, you guys?" thing. You have to admit, a personal/professional life melt-down like this is rare to see! Although strangely not as rare as you might think! But anyway, it is like watching a slow-motion train wreck, if train wreck's were sarcastic and hilarious.
Here is Dave cracking wise (and cracking a little :() in his monologue:
And here he is apologizing to his wife and the rest of his staff on air:
David Letterman spent 10 minutes on his show last night explaining in detail (sort of) an extortion threat made against him to expose a series of inter-office sexual affairs. And so naturally someone has uploaded a Zapruder Film of the entire thing (what is it this week with Zapruder Films? Or is it Zapruders Film?):
Now look, no one is arguing that Dave can't tell a compelling story. He certainly can! They should give him his own show. And having sexual affairs with your employees is not a crime, nor is it even remotely related to giving a 13-year-old girl quaaludes and sodomizing her (not necessarily in that order), and the two situations should not even be in the same sentence together unless that sentence, like this one, is explicitly explaining how much they are not the same or related at all. But you have to admit that there is some clever timing to this!
The Emmy Awards! Television's biggest night! People dressed in expensive clothes, patting each other on the back for the hard work they do to entertain and/or insult our eyes. Seriously, I know this is television's Golden Age or whatever, we all love 30 Rock and Mad Men and Lost and Friday Night Lights, but television is also very awful! The Emmys should address this somehow. Like, negative awards. Most Despicable Manipulation of Teenagers in Reality TV, for example. Boldest Attempt at Cashing in on Something That Was Popular and Relevant 20 Years Ago. You know, meaningful TV accomplishments. But that won't happen! So, let's talk about what DOES happen. Follow the Videogum Twitter for up-to-the-minute yuck-em-ups about Marg Helgenberger's Lifetime Achievement Award, and join your fellow monsters right here in the comments!
Kanye West, right you guys? Classic Kanye West. While the world will always remember the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards as the year in which the Jigsaw-headed man-baby went up on stage for no reason to trample a little girl's victory speech for an award that no longer has any meaning (if it ever did), the memory that I will always take away from the VMAs came earlier, during the pre-show. It was when VJ Tim Kash announced that he had one pair of free tickets to the VMAs that he was going to give to a lucky pair of superfans. Now, you can imagine the scene. New York City. Outside of Radio City Music Hall. Thousands of teenagers packed into writhing throngs of adrenaline and excitement, who have traveled with or without their parents' permission to be here without any tickets or way of getting inside. Just to be part of this! And Tim Kash casually picks out two people from the crowd. Both of whom are in their late-30s to early-60s. "Congratulations, you're going to the VMAs," he says to the two very-full-grown-adults, who treat the prize with the same amount of reserved excitement that adults have for, say, discovering asparagus at a reasonable price out of season. HUH? Sorry, kids, this show is not for you. WE TAKIN' OVER! Parents seriously just don't understand.
Anyway, check out our VMA photo gallery to relive all your most cherished memories that you've ever had.
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