After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
As a rule, a children's movie cannot be the Worst Movie of All Time. Make no mistake, children's movies are categorically horrible, with very few exceptions, and those exceptions tend to be children's movies that are mostly for adults, i.e. the only good children's movies are actually adults' movies. But even the worst children's movie has an intended audience of uneducated monsters (children), so you can't really get mad at it. As someone who once declared the live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie to be "probably the best movie I've ever seen. It was incredible," I feel confident in saying that children's movies serve their own unique function outside the bounds of mature (mature?) criticism.
So there was some debate about whether or not Kangaroo Jack even belonged in the Hunt. Obviously, it was terrible. That was not up for debate. If absolutely no one on Earth saw this movie (and that is not the case at all, so many people saw this, what?), it would still be generally thought of as horrible. But is it a children's movie? Because if it is, let's move on and leave sleeping kangaroos lie (sorry). But Kangaroo Jack is not a children's movie exactly. For one, it doesn't have any children in it. As a general pre-requisite a children's movie has at least one child in it, as a stand in for the young viewer. Or, if not a child, then a CGI creature with childlike qualities. Could that be the titular Kangaroo Jack? Almost, except that he's not at all childlike, or even remotely funny or interesting or any kind of narrative subject for the theoretical child-viewer's gaze. He mostly behaves like an actual kangaroo (with the exception of one miserable dream sequence), and he's CGI because it's impossible to get a kangaroo to do what you want on a movie. So, the final conclusion is that this is a family movie (wikipedia describes it as a "buddy-action movie" which seems stupidly generous) and is thereby a valid entry in the Hunt. PHEW.
Don Draper is an old man and needs to get out of the game.
Obviously, I recognize that this is fake rap, and I want there to be no confusion: the dedicated campaign to eradicate fake rap continues APACE in '09. But the thing that makes fake rap so abysmal is the tendency among fake rappers to assume that all you have to do to rap is make silly rhymes and move your hands around. It's insulting and probably a little bit racist ("that music what's just people talking"), and that is why it has to go. But that's not what's happening here. Sure, they're making silly rhymes, and some of them even move their hands around (Gary Ballard!) but this is something different. No one here is under the impression that they're actually rapping. I'm pretty sure three-quarters of the people in this video don't even understand the words they're saying. And I'm absolutely positive that four-quarters of them are your boyfriend.
The AP is reporting today that Will Smith was 2008's most successful box office draw. Fair enough. Will Smith is a very famous movie actor, and has been for some time. And most of his movies are major blockbusters that do very well for themselves. It seems mildly believable that Will Smith was the year's most successful box office draw of 2008. Although, wait a second, wasn't The Dark Knight practically the highest grossing film of all time? No offense to the I'm sure impressive ticket sales for Hancock, but seriously, wait, what? Was it Seven Pounds? Was it the Christmas week box office of Seven Pounds that put Smith over the edge to beat out THE HIGHEST GROSSING FILM OF ALL TIME, PRACTICALLY SPEAKING. So then you start to read this article, because for one you're kind of fascinated by just the simple thought of gigantic sums of money, but also something seems a little off to you about this whole Will Smith thing especially in 2008, and the opening paragraph is as follows:
The new season of Celebrity Big Brother premiered in the UK this weekend, and guess who one of the housemates is. I will give you 32 guesses. Get it? Because he's 32 inches tall? I'm basically Vladimir BLOGOKOV, because of all the incredibly complex word games I'm playing. This whole site is such a puzzle. Oh look, here he is.
Verne and I, of course, used to be in a feud. But we made up for Christmas. So I really hope he wins this new show! How do you win Big Brother? I know it has something to do with giving Russell Brand a blowjob and not letting the other housemates eat you, but maybe there's a special twist for the celebrities? In any case, good luck to Mr. Troyer.
And get healthy in that celebrity gym, Hamburgler!
Lilly Van Der Woodsen Is Getting Divorced Basically• Kelly Rutherford, who plays Lilly Van Der Woodsen and who in real life is pregnant and who also in real life just had a child, is in real lifegetting divorced from her husband of two years. No matter who you are or what kind of lame your husband looks like in the accompanying photo, divorces are bummers. Bummer, 2009. Quit.
Soulja Boy's house was robbed at gunpoint over the weekend. Oh no! If that can happen to Soulja Boy then it could basically happen to any 18-year-old with a surprisingly successful recording career fueled by self-promotional YouTube videos and the kind of unbridled materialistic enthusiasm that suddenly wealthy 18-year-olds evince so well who lives in a well-appointed but kind of anonymous subdivision McMansion filled with customized X-Boxes and Sidekick IIs and bottles of Patron. Anyone! According to initial reports, six men were involved in the robbery, but since then two creatures from the Black Lagoon (not racial) released a video (via BuzzFeed) claiming sole responsibility for the act.
Robbing Soulja Boy at gunpoint is one thing, but what's really rude is that they make it seem like it was Soulja Boy's own fault for opening the door in the first place. OK, vampires. And this whole "no one opens the door at four in the morning" thing? He was just being polite, you creeps! When you are playing X-Box at four in the morning with the entourage that you pay specifically so that you'll have someone to play X-Box with at four in the morning if you want to, and someone knocks at the door, it's only polite to ask Arab to open the door for you. That's what he's there for. I hope these guys get a taste of their own medicine one day. Like, someone will ask them for the time, and as they look down at their watch (which used to be Soulja Boy's watch), the person who asked them for the time will throw them off a bridge. Tit for tat.
Because you should be watching Momma's Boys. We're already three episodes into the season, so I think the recap ship has sailed, and other maritime metaphors indicating that I'm not going to be writing much about this show. But that should not keep you from enjoying what is easily one of the most ridiculous shows on television. More ridiculous than Bromance? OK, fine, one of the second most ridiculous shows on television.
The premise is simple. Kind of. Simple might be the wrong word. But easy to understand. 32 girls move into a reality mansion to vie for the attentions of three bachelors. The twist is that the three bachelors' moms also move into the reality mansion with the girls in order to try to influence the boys' decisions. This could really go either way, where the two ways are boring and ridiculous, but what really pushed it towards the latter was the selection of a 21-year-old hockey star named Jo Jo on what has to be the single qualification that his mom, Mrs. B, is an unapologetic anti-Semitic racist. Perfect.
Of course, in traditional romantic reality TV style, the girls compete in weekly challenges to demonstrate their physical and culinary prowess, and then there's an elaborate elimination ceremony which is not quite as intensely insane as the Bromance elimination ceremony in which Brody Jenner sits in a HOT TUB with ALL THE DUDES, and tells one dude at a time that they don't have what it takes to be his friend. But the Momma's Boys elimination is still pretty bananas, with each girl getting a cellphone and all of the girls waiting together to receive individual text messages on their respective cell phones telling them either "yes," in which case they stay, "it's a no," in which case they leave, or "meet at the pool," in which case they will be told to their face why the boys are iffy on them, and then whether or not they'll have an opportunity to correct for this iffy-ness in a future episode. It's great, and it leads to historic melt downs like this one from contestant Cara Quici:
Do you see what I'm saying? About this show and your need to be watching it?
With Vince Offer it's never a question of whether what he's saying is amazing or not, it's a question of how amazing, and how much you want it as your ringtone. Even in a foreign language that some people may or may not understand a single word of, the man is incredible. Rough translation:
"With the ShamWow you can dry up all your tears. This is what Jesus used to clean the feet of Mary Magdalene. Pow! Life is hard enough as it is. Get all your dreams inside you now."
I don't speak a word of Spanish, but I'm pretty sure that's totalmente accurate. Nailed it. Thanks for the tip, Morgan.
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After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
As a rule, a children's movie cannot be the Worst Movie of All Time. Make no mistake, children's movies are categorically horrible, with very few exceptions, and those exceptions tend to be children's movies that are mostly for adults, i.e....
Blogging about TV and movies isn't all fun and videogames. Every week, Lindsay or Gabe will be presented with a physical or mental challenge that tests their bravery, patience, and taste.
The Challenge: Despite being averse to cameras, teamwork, exotic foods, travel, haircuts, and physical exertion, I have to submit an audition tape to Survivor. The Result: As with the Saw marathon challenge, once again I find myself rocking back and...
Even though Lindsay and Gabe are friends, they very rarely agree on anything. Every day, they have a fight about something. On Fridays, we publish one.
Lindsay: the Golden Globes are even stupider and wronger than usual this year! Lindsay: Particularly in the comedy movie category Lindsay: and also the nomination for Entourage Lindsay: What does Entourage have to do to NOT get nominated? Gabe: impossible...
Verne Troyer put down his glass of egg nog and looked out the window at the falling snow. The fuzzy strains of Bing Crosby Christmas played softly in the background, as Verne Troyer's own sex tape flickered in mute on...
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.
