Videogum's 6 Most Misunderstood Animals (So Far!)
In the past year, I've had the sheepish pleasure of becoming somewhat of an expert in the non-lucrative field of cute (and not cute) animal videos, though I really only posted one or two a week. Several times, though, one of our furry friends has appeared here only to be mocked, scorned, teased, and teared down for a perceived lack of cuteness, or for mysterious actions that were clearly out of its control. Our only solace is that these special creatures don't know how to use computers or read the heartbreaking words written here about them, and will always live in a special bubble of self-delusion and the assumed adoration of all the people of the world. Let us celebrate them now, and maybe give them one more chance to slowly claw their way into our hearts.
6. The "Special" Baby White Tiger, Because I Basically Called It Retarded
I'm sorry, little one. One day maybe you will rule the jungle with your blank little Paris Hilton eyes:
5. The Slow Loris
Not because she is not cute, but because she has poisonous elbows, and if you cross her, she will slowly lick them and then slowly lick you, and you will die and she will slowly jump up and down on your chest:
4. Hamsterballs!
Seriously, his balls are huge! Nobody understands why probably!:
3. Cat Yells At Other Cat (Probably The Most Amazing Animal Video I've Ever Seen)
Nobody understands what really goes on between two creatures in a relationship, and our attempts to make sense of what happened in this video, while heroic and well-meaning, were ultimately futile. Like love itself, the reasons why this cat was yelling at this other cat are too big and, probably, too sad, for our our minds to ever grasp, but hopefully one day we can accept that sometimes our brains protect us from the things that are too scary so that we can go on living, and maybe have kittens:
2. The Fucking Pygmy Jerboa, For Christ's Sake
I take no responsibility for this one. I love this little guy. I want to spend a grand total of like thirty minutes of my life making sure he doesn't get stepped on. This poor little weird thing's misunderstanding was all you guys (monsters), and you have to live with yourselves. (You even hated the babies!):
1. The Parrot And The Cat
Okay, I never technically claimed this one was "cute," I just find it absolutely hysterically funny because the parrot is so sneaky! But it seems my view of the parrot as an impish, harmless, intentionally funny comedian performing for the camera and playing a character was outnumbered by the view that he was an evil cat molester and possibly even a serial cat-eater. But no, I'm sorry, this is just plain funny:
OMG, just like Michael Jackson!
Posted by Lindsay at 12:15 PM in Animals On Film, Cute As Balls
Tags: Balls | Cats | Hamsters | Parrots | Pygmy Jerboa | Slow Loris
I love you and I know you're leaving but I CANNOT DRINK the Pigmy Jerboa kool aid. Thing just CREEPS ME OUT.
Side note: is ANYONE ELSE bummed that the news stories are now all about MJ and not about Iran? We left those PEOPLE OUT TO DRY.
Score = 14
Pssshh, Iran? Whatever. How many albums did he sell? Too bad we don't all get drunk and dance to the right to fair democratic elections at the bar. Then we might give a shit about what's happening over there.
Score = 32
yeah, well, america's attention span only last so long, and these days our loved for fucked up pill addled crazy dead celebrities knows no bounds. especially when the said dead celebrity was so messed up that there are pretty much no end to the bland sociological posturing and theorizing we can project on him.
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Yes, ignore the yerboa.
The important message here is that having big balls is exhausting.
If you are a hamster, you should not drive or operate heavy machinery.
While have huge balls.
It's dangerous.
Consequently, I have cross-posted this page to the "Limbless Insomniacs Serving Time" forum .
Score = 3
I'm sorry, but that Pygmy Jerboa still creeps the fuck out of me. I have nightmares about them infesting my home and eating all my food.
Score = 1
i have the opposite problem. i see myself with a grease stained bucket of fried jerboas, chowing down on them like so much furry popcorn chicken.
generally, things that make me hungry don't tickle my cute reflex.
with the possible exception of those clown ice cream cones that baskin robbins sells for the little ones.
Score = 16
What is this, FUTURAMA?
Oh shit, that plotline could become REAL now.
Score = 3
It's telling that two of these vids--the cat argument and the parrot and cat--are allegories for Lindsay and Gabe's relationship.
Score = 19
yea, but which one's Gabe and which one's Lindsay????
0_o
Score = 4
Hahahaha. No, they're totally not. That is funny though.
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Woo! A response from Lindsay! Don't go.
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At the very least, I hope she'll still be making the occasional comment. We will make Lindsay the Belle of the Monster's Ball.
Score = 14
I thought the Pigmy Jerboa was pretty cute, but that's just me, that's how I roll.
Score = 11
Yeah, the Pygmys are just really painfully (pathetically?) cute. And the babies totally look like a baby Mew, who was easily the cutest pokemon
Score = 10
I'm gonna have to disagree with you about Mew. For my money, Psyduck was the cutest. Always so befuddled by simple things like walking, and he got so upset if you stepped on his feet.
Pygmy Jerboas though, so cute. I want 10!
Score = 5
I actually spent about 10 minutes Googling to find out who was statistically the cutest Pokemon, because there's a cuteness stat, but it looks like cuteness isn't so much dependent on the speices of Pokemon but more dependent on the kinds of food you feed them. So a Mew would only be the cutest Pokemon if you fed it max leveled Sweet Poffins and equipped it with a Pink Scarf and taught it some combination of Metronome, Amnesia, Me First, Baton Pass, or Nasty Plot, which are all cute moves that it can learn on it's own, but I GUESS also since it could learn any TM or HM move, you could also teach it some cute TM moves. Though there aren't any cute HM moves. I checked! This is what I do at work.
Score = 21
The babies look like Mew but the adults look like Missingno :(
Score = 1
This thread needs more anteaters.
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Score = 18
So, I was watching the last video with the cat and parrot, laughing quietly to myself once or twice, when I noticed that my whole family who was also in the room playing the Wii looked at me like "wtf". It was worth it.
Score = 0
You called it correctly with that Tiger though.
Score = 2
The pygmy's cute but he's a twitchy MFer. And that parrot does look like he's sizing that cat up a la ALF.
Score = 0
I think I want a pygmy jerboa for nothing more than to just weird people out.
Score = 3
I think I want a pygmy jerboa for nothing more than to just weird people out.
Score = -2
I think there was a "pygmy jerboa" dance number in Coraline (2009), just so you know. They're so much more cuter (and less uncomfortable) in claymation, haha.
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"non-lucrative"? Is that a jab at scott, armit and angela?
I think so.
Score = 0
Not at all! I just can't call myself an "expert" without undermining it, and I do not think it's very lucrative. There are no jabs at friends on VG.
Score = 4
I just wish you could blog forever on Videogum. I have to direct my disappointment somewhere. :(
Score = 0
i watch the Senile Cat Yelling video all the time! like twice a week! i love that video. under appreciated? no way!
Score = 0
That parrot is fucking hilarious. I like to think that I am a little like that parrot sometimes.
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i'd say that the parrot is petting the cat. it's as easy to believe as poison elbows...
Score = 1
1. White Tiger - When you grow up to have three-inch fangs and four sets of four-inch claws, how smart do you have the be?
2. Loris - You're not fooling me. That's a Dr. Seuss character who slipped through the rift and changed its name.
3. Get a job, hamster. Seriously.
4. Cats will do that. Also, wives.
5. This thing does not actually exist. End of story.
6. What kind of self-respecting cat lets a frickin' BIRD diss him like that?
Score = 0